He Txted...Need Advice, Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
He Txted...Need Advice, Please
6
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:03pm

I'm on Day 4 of NC ever since having a slip-up on Friday night, when AP txted me to tell me that he thinks one of the saddest parts of our A ending is that his wife and I will be less friendly now (for those of you who don't know, his W and I were (are?) friends, although I have pulled back so much that she is questioning what the hell is wrong because I haven't given her any explanation.

Our kids are friends, they are different ages but they play together on occasion. He just txted me (I can't block specific numbers) and I should've known better than to read the text but I did. He said that he hopes this doesn't affect our kids, and if I want or need help he hopes I'll call. I am sad, furious....I have a wonderful family and a great support system of friends to call in a pinch should I ever need help. He knows that. There have only been a handful of times when I've maybe asked his W to pick up the kids as a convenience, and if my kids ask to play with their kids, I will have my H drop them off so that I don't have to put myself back in their home. I am just angry that he is insinuating that I would let this carry over onto the kids. Is this a fishing attempt? I don't know. I don't know if I should tell him thanks, but I have plenty of loved ones who can help me out, or if I just leave it. I do think he's sincerely feels guilt for his wife, his kids, my kids...but do I dare respond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:07pm

smoted, Hi, nice "meeting" you since we haven't really talked yet :)



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:16pm

Hi Garfy,

Thank you for your reply. I think you're probably right. I would never want our demise to hurt my kids or his kids in any way, and I think he must know that. I guess I'm just upset that he said what he did, and I feel like I should defend myself by saying that I would never hurt either of our kids, and leave it at that in case he thinks I'm vengeful. But maybe it's better that I just let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:24pm

Oh, yes, this is VERY fishy . . . and you should not respond. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

When people fish, they do so under the guise of many, many covers--kids included and "concern" for you included. I know for me, when I would get a text like that, everything in me wanted to text back some very sassy and sarcastic. But I am a smart a**, so that was always my first inclination.

It takes oodles and oodles of self control to not respond, I know . . . that's why blocking is so very effective. And if you can't block, then delete before reading. It'll save you so much brain power, I promise. And emotional energy.

Who's your cell provider? I have Verizon, and for the longest time I thought I could only block texts from a certain number. But just 2 days ago I was on their website and saw that they have a service under Spam Controls that allows me to block up to five numbers from phone calls, texts, picture messages and video--and it's free!

He's fishing, sweetie . . . don't put yourself on the hook, K?

You be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 9:00pm

hi smoted, and welcome to EAS! perhaps you've been here a while, but im just seeing your name on the list, so i welcome you to our community.

i am very familiar with fishing. my xAP is an excellent fisherman. from texts/emails sent under the guise of concern to alarming threats "my wife is going to call your husband and tell him everything!", my xAP does whatever he can to get my attention.

DONT RESPOND!!!

the best ways to deal with fishing, in my mind are to delete/ignore, as well as to "play the tape forward" to use a clinical phrase. Consider what will happen if you do respond to his fishing attempt. you'll respond...he'll respond....then you respond...at some point, the conversation will become frustrating and/or hurtful and you'll quickly regret ever getting in to it. EVERY SINGLE TIME i've responded to a fishibng attempt, no matter how benign its seemed, i've ended up feeling like i wasted my time.

fishing attempts are usually NOT consciously intended to manipulate you. your xAP on some level is probably concerned about what he's saying, but there's another part of him that is simply trying to hold on to you and keep you on the hook.

it is time for you to moved forward. making peace with the wreckage of the past is a long and arduous process. but its an individual one; he needs to do his own soul searching and you will need to do your own.

good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 7:27am

Smoted,



<>



He should have thought about that before he entered the A game. Anyway, just ignore

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 9:59am

Exi,



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d