He wants to know if i am ok.. !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
He wants to know if i am ok.. !
20
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 9:11pm

My story is very similar to most of the stories here .. I am married with 3 kids. XAP too ... the first few months were great .. then the pain and hurts started and outweighed all happiness ...so I decided to end it. I am sure he is also relieved that I ended it.
He is a very good person .. It's only the nature of the relation- as you all here say- that is really toxic ...
It has been only few days since NC ... and I got from him many mails/sms asking me to tell him how am I doing?! he knows I am very weak and I loved him a lot and NC'ed before then begged him to return .. so he was expecting the same but this time I am so determined because I was so much hurt! so .. what do you think? shall I answer him?? I hate to ignore anybody especially he is almost begging me to answer him with few words to tell him how am i doing? I don't feel like responding because I feel there is nothing more to be said!!
but we are in the same community so I know for sure than sooner or later we will meet even if not regularly..
what shall i do?? answer him or just ignore?! this really is not helping!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 1:00pm

Seems like the board has this covered...BUT DO NOT RESPOND...he is a big boy and will be ok, but what's important is that you are ok...being rude is a non issue. All the polite and correct stuff went out the door when we start in a A, there are no rules that say you have to end it politely and let him know...its not about having bad feelings towards one another...its about just walking away. No need to spell it out. He will get the picture...

I know the temptation is great, it just is. Hang in there and save yourself some additional pain and heartache....Block him anyway you can.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 1:38pm

Amy, I am sorry to talk about you as if you're not in the room and I do not mean to hijack your post; I hope that this conversation with JAM will benefit you.

JAM-
Amy has stated that she's tried NC before, that she feels weak, and that he already knows that she is liable to cave and come back. It's not that she does not care about xAP, it is that she needs to take care of HER needs now, not his. He is a big boy. He's fishing, plain and simple. He needs to be respectful of her recovery and less selfish about his need to feel better. He wants to know that she's ok??? yeah, no. he wants her to assuage his uneasy feelings, is all -- and that is NOT her job right now (or ever again.) Her job is plainly and clearly laid out in front of her: HEAL and MOVE ON in a positive and healthy way.

This is not a woman vs. man issue. It is an issue of getting out of an A. One is either IN or OUT.

She does NOT need to tell xAP again why NC is important or why she's doing it. She is NOT being unkind to stop putting HIS needs above hers.

I think your comment about "Ok, we don't care about him, I see that." is sarcasm poorly received.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 3:47pm
Hey Dee, you asked me I told you. No sarcasm, just mean it's about her not him. Poorly received - yes it seems so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 4:40pm

Before seeing all these replies with a big NO, i replied with "m ok"; only these 2 words ... I felt I had to because as I said before we are in the same community and we have common friends and we will be seeing each other eventually so I dont want to be 'enemies'.
Anyways, he sent back appreciating alot my reply because he badly needed it ... AND ( as you are all saying) asking if I can talk more whenever I want.
You are right ... I guess I should follow all what you say here ... the only thing that is good that it didnt hurt me much! I am so determined to end it ... at least till now - crossing fingers!

What surprises me that I used to beg him sometimes to reply - to talk whatever and he ignored me sometimes - alot lately- making me feel so cheap! now am I getting precious again because I am not there! Ironic how any human being takes what he has for granted and appreciates it when he starts loosing it!

Thank you all for your replies! You are all wonderful women whom I am learning alot from...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 5:02pm

Amylo,

You need to get this, I am not going to be VERY blunt. It starts with a small "Im ok" Thats how it starts...n then a few days, sometimes sooner, you get another im, email, txt, etc...Or you start missing him horribly and use his fishing attempt as an excuse for you to contact him. Then its little are you ok's....and they turn into big ones...and then next thing you know, you are back in actual conversations...n you will scrutinize and study every single word that was said, you then will second guess yourself. He will say all you want to hear for the moment. And BAM!! He may even try the let's be friends crap...see the many fun threads on "what being friends really means."

I understand that you said you felt ok about saying "I am ok, it did not hurt you...I see why you may think so. But your response told him more than I am ok...and it will affect you more than you think if it has not done so already....U may be saying to yourself, what if I had said more? what if he had? or are you anxiously awaiting the next time he fishes?

Why are you were worried about hurting his feelings? what about yours? He ignored you...ALOT, according to you. Why do you feel you owe him a response? U do not him a thing? On the other hand, you OWE YOURSELF a lot more.

Did he start to lose you, or has he already? Thats something to think about...you said its funny how he acts now....its not really funny, its very typical. Thats what we call manipulation. Its ok for him to ignore you. BUt you feel bad about ignoring him? What in you thinks that is ok?

Some thoughts for you to chew on....chew away and let me know if ya need some further insight. Ending A's are a slippery slope and you are putting your hand near the fire....BLOCK HIM. you say you are determined. Act....stop talking and act....I know I am blunt and come off harsh but I am really looking out for your best interests...even if you can not do that for yourself. Deny him any access to you. You said yourself that you cave...Make this time so different.

N stop banking on you seeing him in your community and that mutual friends stuff....have a plan when and IF you do see him. Lets hope you do not and if you do, let it be forever and a day by the time you do. Plan to prepare and protect yourself for it but do not BANK on it. Make sense?

Hope this helps you

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 6:35pm

Luvin, It didnt take few days .. it already happened; asking me to be friends or to have any form in my life because he cannot take this sudden end! you are right how typical! I still feel alot for him and I do respect him because he never deceived me .. we are both accountant for the wrong we did not only him- yet I am determined to end it because what I was taking from this relation was much much less- at the end- than what it was taking from me ... I was so unhappy, hurt, out of control, loosing all self respect ... and what i was getting; few hours each week!!!! even the loving mails-sms's etc were almost non-existent at the end!

You are right luvin... I feel bad now ! and I dunno how to proceed .. I need a push - I havent replied to the mail.... unable to block the address! dont want to! he says he will stop emails if I ask him to- but I dont have the guts .. but I am sure of one thing... I dont want this affair to continue!
I need more strength!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 7:36pm

Amylo,

Ok, I get it. U need strength. Ok, I get it, you had feelings for this man. Ok, I get it you do not want to block him. I am taking the time to send you this email because I see some potential in you. I see that you are here and you are trying to do the right thing. That shows me you have something in you that knows that this must end. Its outright unhealthy. It hurts you.

This road is not going to be a easy road. You are going to do somethings you simply do not want to do! You are going to have to feel some things that do not feel good AT ALL! That is if you do not want it to continue....your post said you wanted it to end.

SO NO CONTACT. If you do not have the guts....GET EM, BLOCK HIM!! Its the only way. It's a proven methodology...no I do not have scientific research. But what I do have is experience and a ton of posts that prove it. U can not contact him and you can not allow him to contact you. Change your number, block his calls/txts with you phone carrier. DO WHAT U HAVE TO, it may not necessarily what you want to do, but its what ya HAVE TO DO.

Now...I know why you do not want to, you want to know if and when he contacts you, you need that validation....tons of messages about that on this here board my dear...we all were wondering at some point, wondering this and that...blah blah blah....

Newsflash.....NO matter what you are wondering or what he is wondering....there is no closure because nothing he says or does will change the fact that you are in A and no good comes from it. There is no magical goodbye that makes it hurt any less when it ends. Nothing matters. Except you. You needing to focus on you. You needing to find that self respect back. AND ONLY YOU CAN GET THAT BACK, HE CAN NOT GIVE IT TO YOU.

So lean on me for strength, post away, I am here regularly, as are others, we are here to help you. But YOU have to put in the work. We can not do that for you.

NC is tough n people break it all the time, and never have I heard it have a happy ending. Not once. Never a good turn out. Not once.

How long do you think you are going to be able to resist him if you do not BLOCK and WALK??
Whats it going to take Amy?
What do you respect about a man that cheats on his wife? What is their to respect?
He may not have deceived you (cough cough) but he has been deceiving his wife for some time, cancel any respect you ever had for him. And if you think he lied to her, do you not think he would lie to you? Come on, you gotta be smarter than that. I hope you do not think you are special.
And yes you too are accountable....BUT YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU, not him. So focus on you and take care of you. You have given him all your power. Time to start to get it all back. You can do this, I have no doubts. A's are hell. Get out of it. There is your push. Take it..

Luvin

PS...I used to be more sweet and kind, when I said the same thing in the past. I am usually a little softer. But I am a little tired. I stand by everything I said but know that none of it is intended to come off hurtful. Strength to you.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 7:55pm

Amy,
Listen to Luvin. She know her shiz. We're both tweeners (more than three months no contact, but not a year, yet). Our getting-out experience is still fresh in our memories and we know exactly what it takes. We've both been where you are, felt what you're feeling and so PLEASE, please follow Luvin's advice even if it does not seem 100% on target to you. You are in a confused state right now and you are very lucky to have this board to direct and support you -- we did it; you can, too.

Love yourself,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 9:26pm

It is very inappropriate for him to ask you how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 10:33am

Amylo,

<>

Who cares what he says, honey? If you don't have the guts yet, then do yourself a favor and STOP reading them. DELETE them before you ever see what gibberish he is sending you now. They are just words in cyberspace that don't mean squat. What's important now is that you start proving to yourself that you can do this, guts or not. It's all about wanting to regain your self respect and dignity. How bad to you want it back?

<<.. but I am sure of one thing... I dont want this affair to continue!>>>

Well, there you go. This is your starting point. Now you start implementing what Luvinme, Dee, and others have advised. The tough love coming at you is all due to people caring about you. We may only be voices in a forum, but we all share a huge common bond; we want you happy and healthy again.

NC=No New Contact. You don't have to respond to ONE MORE EMAIL. He gets it...he is just being a selfish jerk.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


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