He wants me to contact him.... I think NOT!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
He wants me to contact him.... I think NOT!!
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 4:18am

Yep, after 18 months my xap passed along a message through a friend (whom he wasn't friends with when we were together) to get me to ring him as he has something important to tell me. I was dumbfounded, shocked and then as the day went on I alternated between anger, sadness and unbelievably, feelings of missing him (what the ???).

My response to my friend was 'Please tell (name) I do not wish to talk to him. If it is that important he can ring my husband'. I just don't understand why after all this time he suddenly has something to tell me. I can't think of one thing that is important enough that he would need to talk to me after all this time has passed. I honestly never saw this coming and thought I would be one of the few who would never hear from their xap again and you know what?? it feels crappy!!

I was indifferent (well at least I thought I was) and I barely think about him these days and now here he is, bang back in the center of my thoughts again. I don't hate him and I hate that I don't even dislike him.

On a positive note, I love that I am in a strong enough place that I know I will bounce back quickly. That I know that even if he was to contact me a hundred times, I will not talk to him and if it really comes down to it, I will leave it in my husband's hands to sort out.

Sigh, it is coming up to trigger season for me and perhaps for him too and I have run through every scenario of important news that I can think of and not one of them is enough to entice me to jump back on the merry go round of emotions. I love who I am now. I have an amazing network of beautiful friends, I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband, a job that has challenged me and helped me grow and I am finally working towards a degree in Social Science (Counselling).

I am exactly where I am supposed to be and somehow I will shake these feelings that have been triggered by xap's message and keep moving forward. So there is my vent/ reminder to myself of what I do have/ news etc.

A big hi to all my EAS friends. I have missed you all but gee it is hard getting back on to this board. It took me so many go's to sign in.


The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 8:05am

Oh great, now a lost post!  Aaaggggghhhhhh.........

You are doing the right thing.

Thanks for make all aware, about being prepared, and what to do. 

Thinking it through will always save you.

My best to you,


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 8:09am


I can understand you feeling shocked! But let me tell you : WOW!! you handled that so well :-) :-)

And your right  - he has nothing important to tell you. Believe me, these men will make up anything to grab your attention. Stop wondering, put in downyto just childish behavior - and enjoy your beautiful friends and family.

I also think we blossom into better people after we end our A's. We have been in a dark and ugly place, and as we emurge out of that place, the beauty of life becomes more apparent. I like myself a whole lot better now than (even though I stuggle with my mumsy boring nerdy geek feeling inside, now that I have toned down the sex-kitten image - but I feel safe and I am certainly not sending wrong signals  anymore :-))

I made a huge step yesterday - I deleted my e-mail account, and started a new one - this means I will never ever know if anyone from the past has contacted me. I new I would never reply to a fishing attempt, that is why I didn't block - but I think I still held onto the thought that one day he would write and tell me he always loved me, and was sorry for everything. I have finally accepted this will never happen, and its for the best if I never know either way!!

Sounds like progress all round for you.

Thanks for the update, looking forward to hearing more from you!!

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 9:23am

Morning (((RTMO)))

I'm sorry your xaffair partner's fishing attempt has upset your applecart.  Your response was perfect...spoken like a true Vet.  He'll wet his pants when he gets it, I'm sure.  I guess that's one benefit of having had a discovery day...you and your husband have established a united front.

You might have a good point about the holidays acting as a trigger for him too.  They don't have the benefit of a Board like this to teach them about triggers and NC, etc.  

I hope people take away from this what it is like on the other end when we fish.  Sure, it may get them thinking about us, but not in a good way.

I know you'll bounce back from this...I just wish you didn't have to.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 5:54pm
Well done giie! I am so happy to see you and you are an inspiration to all, especially the newbies. Missed you chica! I'd type more but I am on my phone and never know if it will post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 7:02pm

Thankyou all. I miss the support that can only be found in the words of others who have been where I am.

I am hurting today and it sucks. It sucks that just one little facebook message from a friend could shatter the peace that I have strived so hard for over these past 18 months. I am trying not to give the thoughts in my head any attention but it has triggered me a lot worse then I expected. Hopefully within a week, he will be back where he belongs and that is out of my mind.

RBM - Thankyou for your encouraging words. I do feel like my life is coming together. In a way that it never has. I have finally found true contentment and I don't need drama to feel alive. It feels great.

WGO - I definitely get what you are saying regarding letting the sex kitten go and embracing the safety that comes with being us. Not boring - just calmer, secure and not worth-seeking the wrong way.

It is so wonderful that you deleted the email account. We spend so much time fighting ourselves on letting go of each piece of the A and when we finally reach that place where we can let go, it is liberating in so many ways. I truly thought I had shut all doors with my Xap and to find that a door was opened through a mutual facebook friend, has shattered my sense of peace. I am so very angry that he has involved this friend, who knew nothing of the A. I don't know how much he knows now but he certainly won't be hearing anything about it from me.

Clarity - Yes I am so grateful my H knows everything. He was taken aback too but he handled it quite well once the trigger settled for him.

What you said about xap not being aware of the triggers and NC etc is true but he knows what this did to me during the time I was away from my family and I struggle to understand how he thinks getting in touch with me is appropriate in any way. But regardless, it doesn't matter, it has happened and now I will deal with it.

Rainie - It is nice to hear from you. Thankyou for your kind words. I feel bad that I don't get on here much anymore. Like I said, it was a struggle just to get on here the first time. Now that I am always signed in, I will hang around a bit more ;)


The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.