iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:58am

I made it through the weekend NC but am totally miserable. I'm giving him too much "headspace" as Happy called it, and it's killing me. How can I keep from thinking of him so much? I keep busy, try to focus on other things but it always comes back to him.

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 5:00pm

Good morning, Lilyann

Good for you for staying NC the whole weekend!  That's huge!

He's going to occupy your mind a lot for a while.  Time and distance will begin to work their magic.  Use this time wisely to get clear...and over the course of time, you will see how destructive this relationship was to your mind, body and soul...and you will be glad you got out.

And you can start to refocus your thoughts.  When you start to think of him, instead refocus on you.  This is all about you now.  You must get to the bottom of your 'whys'. For instance:

1.  Why did I feel entitled to step outside my marriage?

2.  Why did it seem okay to jeopardize my marriage, my spouse my children?

3.  What voids were I trying to fill?

These are the questions that will keep your mind occupied and off him.

Participation here is vital.  Read all the posts and post in to others who need support as well...newbies can help each other and have something to offer...even if it is just to say you listening and you understand.

This Board as well as the other Board you posted on will be your life line 'til you get to your counseling session...use them wisely.  Read through our Healing Library...this will keep you occupied in the right direction.

We've all been where you are...and we are all testament to where you will eventually be...free and living the honest life with integrity.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 4:57pm

Hi Lily,

For me the first week on ending was the hardest, but remember as long as you stay NC you will never have to go through this pain again.  I like to take walks to clear my head, maybe if the weather is ok you can do that.  Each day does get somewhat easier.  It's a hard road, but you're on the right path.  Stay strong.  (((Hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 3:10pm
It takes time and soon enough you will think to yourself I just went a whole 10 minutes without thinking about him, then half an hour, then an hour and before you know it half a day!! I wish I could say I was at half a day, I am still grateful to get an hour or more free from xap in my headspace but I am sure it will happen one day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:52am

Hey Lily...hang in there. Of course you are giving him lot's of headspace. It's called grieving. So give yourself time to do just that. Whatever grieving looks like to you. It looks different for all of us. For me? It looked like posting like a crazy person on these boards, reading, reading, reading these boards, pulling millions of weeds, sometimes pretending those weeds were xAP's head,starting T, finding a real-life support group, continuing on these boards, taking long drives in my car so I could just cry, ..and then as time went on..reading Audrey Hepburn biographies and watching reruns of Battlestar Galactica. It also meant spending a lot of time diving into those questions Clarity asked you. Asking those questions..and sorting throuigh the answers..will cause more grief. This really is tough stuff..but I promise you. It does get better. You will come out with a much better understanding of who you are, what your personal boundaries are,  rembering your dreams, goals, desires ..Mostly, you will be comfortable in your own skin again. So be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2012
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 10:55am

I can so relate to what you are going through and it is completely normal.  There is no way around the pain but through it as you detox with NC from the addiction of the A-drug.  The constant thoughts of xap is indeed a miserable way to go through the day, but you must sit with it, accept it and understand it as they are all part of the healing process.   This pain will eventually fade and you will get your happiness back as opposed to pain of breaking NC which we have all experienced that could only suck us back to the rollercoaster of hell.  As a fellow EASer, I really wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone and therefore on that note I urge you to work through your pain, keep moving during the first few weeks of your ending (take long walks, redecorate your home, etc.) and I promise it WILL get better and it will be so worth it !  Rooting for you sista !