Healing and making changes
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|Fri, 08-17-2012 - 8:11pm|
First, I had a great day at work today! I met my xap at work 2 years ago and he left 6 months ago. So it's been 6 months without him at work and that part has been wonderful. It's been a process too, one thing to just get past all the triggers, seems like we'd been everywhere together! second is coworkers who were 'talking' and/or upset about our friendship. After 6 months I'm finally feeling like 'just me' again, not "that person that was friends with him and he got fired".
Since no contact I'm feeling lots better about interaction with everyone at work, I don't feel that dark cloud of secrets over me, its wonderful!
Now for the questions. I want to know how those who have healed and made changes accomplished it? When I was going to therapy we talked about past issues and I know I've had plenty of issues to cause low self esteem, lack of attachment, etc... I know the issues, but you can't change the past, you can only move on... so how do you do that without just 'stuffing' the feelings and moving on?
I know as I've worked on affirmations and worked on staying busy and doing new things its fine for awhile, until its time to slow down again and then the tears hit.
A couple of things worry me about the future, 1. this type of thing happening again (not the married part) but being willing to 'settle' for less than what I really want. Even though the logical me can give a list of his negative qualities and I don't want that, there's still a part of me that wants him (xap) back (single) and we could work it all out.... (yes, I know that's insane, just telling you what that little part of me thinks) 2. Getting in a hurry to take on whoever shows up and likes me, actually this has happened before with my H, when we met, he was crazy about me, and I wanted a new family, so I went along with it. (again, settling)
I never felt a connection to anyone in my life before xap. I wasn't close to my parents or siblings. I am close to an aunt and uncle, but they have their own kids and while they love me, I'm still on the outside. I never really felt love for my H, I did feel a strong friendship at times. Part or most of the reason it was so hard to let go of xap was that I'd be completely alone. Logically I know that's not true and since he was getting farther away, he wasn't there for me either. But I still feel like we had a strong connection...I know we do or we wouldn't have to do no contact.
If anyone can make sense of all this and offer some advice or ideas, I'd love to hear it.
I am going on a couple awesome vacations this fall and I'm putting energy and hope into those for getting away and think things out, but I have the fear I'll get back home in the dead of winter and "now what?" Do we just forge ahead with positive affirmations and hope for the best ?