A "healing" obstacle

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
A "healing" obstacle
3
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 10:49am
So I've been married 27 years and I have never had to think about someone else in order to have sex with my husband. Never even used pornography like so many of my friends. My husband is very giving and sweet in bed and I just never needed anything else to achieve O. I feel like I'm suffering the consequence of my A. In order for me to achieve O (at any time), I have to think of xap. I feel that this is hindering my healing. I hope and pray that with more time under my belt that the visions of him making love to me, because it never felt like "just sex", will go away. I think of him constantly as it is, even after 5 weeks, but the worst time is when I'm trying to be intimate with H. Does anyone else feel that this is hindering their process??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 12:16pm

Hi, Acting -
I probably should not chime in, since I'm in a sexless marriage (which was pretty LOW sex even before the A). I think it might help you to 'date' your husband more. As in, start to focus on all the romantic, sweet, wonderful qualities of your relationship _outside_ of the bedroom. It might be a stereotype, but I believe for most women, foreplay begins 24 hours in advance and enjoying sex is just as much a function of mental stimulation as physical. Maybe you should ask H to court you a little. Or better yet, YOU set the example and court HIM! Love notes and flowers and all that-- or whatever it is that works for you and him. He'll get all loved up and reciprocate and I bet you'll get all loved up just thinking of all the ways to please him when he's not nikkid.

and I hope this is not too vulgar, but I would suggest you either don't think about xAP when you're masterbating, or you stop masterbating altogether. Save ALL you sexual thoughts for H, ykwim? Maybe you could even buy a sex book and read it with H, such as "Getting it On", so that you'll have something fun to anticipate.

Good luck with it!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 3:27pm
Hi Dee,
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 4:07pm
Acting, omg, I know exactly what you mean! I am struggling with the same thing right now. I have been with my H for about 6 years and all the intense physical attraction and sexual magnetism has worn off. MM was "helping" me keep things interesting with my DH, as sick as that sounds. He was my fantasy, only one I acted on in RL. Now, as I am in LC (still see him all day every weekday) and trying to get over him, sex with DH has waned even more. It's like it's become emotionally painful to make love because all I want to do is think about MM. And when I DO think about him I feel not only shame but anger and sadness. I guess I don't have any words of advice for you...just wanted to say I can completely empathize :(