Hearing little things...

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Hearing little things...
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 9:33pm

Hello, it's needy Dodgie here again :smileyhappy:


So, I am doing OK.  Just very much ok.  Not great, not even good, but very average.  But, I have had a couple of setbacks, as you know, me reading some old messages back and forth during the week, that I found in an old folder on my laptop.  But, that was self inflicted of course.  :smileysad:


But, I just wondered how you all go if you hear just little things through others that know xAP but don't know of the A, therefore, they just talk of them and what they have been doing etc. 


I am in NC of course, but you can't stop others mentioning this person and each time, it is like a knife in my heart and sets my mind back into overload.  A friend of mine is his friend on fb, and we were having coffee and she was looking through fb and just reading (to herself but out loud) any of the latest stuff.  And I wasn't even paying attention until she got to xAP checked in at blah, blah, blah...  of course my heart dropped (she had already gone onto reading the next thing out loud but I heard nothing more after that bomb!) and I started to wonder who he was there with, if he was thinking of me etc etc.


Those little things are doing my head in, do they get easier???  Of course I can't tell someone to SHUT UP when they mention his name, as RL friends don't know about it at all.


Seems like I just start to feel more positive and more skillful at replacing throughts with affirmations and something little like this happens.

I guess this is the two steps forward and one step back thing.  Sigh.


Dodgie xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 10:38pm
Dodgie. I think you're doing great. You are really thinking and not just acting on emotions. You get the reasons behind certain things. You will be ok.

I avoided people, friends, places and things that in ANY way reminded me of xap early on. I deactivated fb totally, as it remains. I didn't talk to people who
may mention xap. I've started to loosen up a bit, but it stings to hear, these months later. Difference is, the pain fades quicker now. It gets better.

You will be ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 3:03am
It's very hard & I understand entirely. If only we could control our feelings! I work in the same department as my XAP so even if I try to avoid seeing him I hear things about him from others & my stomach lurches every time. Hes going on holiday, buying a new car - all normal stuff, but all stuff that i have no part of and lets me know that hes getting on with life whilst i feel like im stuck with my wheels spinning in the mud! And as we were so close and worked together on a project for a number of years people turn to me to ask about his whereabouts or what he's up to!

I can only think logically that eventually these feelings must pass and get less even though for me 5 months on they haven't, although maybe they are less, it's hard to remember sometimes.

I think it just takes time unfortunately and where you can, avoiding situations where you might hear things. Thinking of you
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 4:19am
Hi Dodgie

I can relate a lot with what you say and how you feel. I post sporadically here and there. Would like to more but I have so much other RL stuff just going on. I am NC 24 days. Actually today wouldève been one year. Boo me for my screw up. But it is those triggers or that mind frame that keeps setting me back. It will set you back too believe me. My head is in he right place and but the heart. Oh that heart just doesnt seem to get it does it. (sorry my question mark keys doesèt work). Well from my experience it is not just doing the physical work it is mostly in our thought process. I still fantasize but am getting better with taking my head out of my A$$. You are still so new. Its not an easy road. But I figure it is so much more easier than the A road. If I continued with A I really would be worse off and that is a fact. Heck maybe I was that 1% or whatever the stat says but I am worth the whole enchilada and so are you. Just keep telling yourself over and over that he is not worth losing your family. I am a true believer in what ever is meant to be it will be. Well I will just let it be. But I will also put a hand in my destiny and see what happens. Train your thoughts. Repeat repeat repeat over aND over why you are not with this person.

Not the greatest at offering advice but I just want you to know I familiar with your pain and it hurts no doubt. It does ease and it will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 5:59am
You are doing great!! Change that "needy dodgie" to "determined dodgie"!! And you are :smileyhappy: You know what? half the battle is being determined, the rest will come with time.

I did all the things Gyspy did, avoid like the plague.... I too deactivated facebook and recently totally deleted it. I realised fb was all about him and "stalking" him and he wasnt even on it!!!! Hated it infact. Just had mutual friends on it who sometimes mentioned him. How obsessive is that!!! We should start a thread on the ridiculous things we did. I read a really funny one from way back but dont know where. Soglad is good at starting those kind of threads... Calling Soglad :smileyhappy:

Anyway determined Dodgie you are doing great! Hang in there it will be much better before you know it. You will feel happy and carefree again. Trust in the "program"

Sunny soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 9:02am
Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that regards dodgie! I'm 4 months out of my A (but just 3 days NC) and am having a very tough time too. Hearing things about xAP is HARD bc it's yet one more reminder that you're no longer involved in his life. I don't hear about xAP so much, but I do hear about his wife (her and I had been friends and have many mutual friends) and his daughter who is friends with my daughter - its like a knife through the heart every time as it brings back so many memories of all the many times our families spent together since our families were very close. I agree with everyone that Facebook is hard, too. Right after our DDay, our spouses made us defriend each other and, of course, his W defriended me too. xAP has been deactivated in the 4 months sonce our dday, but its still so so hard every time i see his W "around", commenting on posts of mutual friends. For me, however, though I deactivated my account for the month after dday, I'm back on now bc it's how I stay connected to so many other people, and I needed to keep that sense of "normalcy" in my life when everything else has felt so abnormal. Anyway, sorry to digress but I think in those situations when he is brought up all you can do is grin and bare it and remember to breathe. Try to distract yourself by jumping right back into conversation about something else, and before you know it, that painful all encompassing feeling will slowly start to fade. Hang in there!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 8:28pm

I wish I had the answer for you! I am also on day 24 n.c...after almost 2 months out and a plunge back in...so hang in there!

xAP and I have a LOT of mutual friends..and it occured to me, today..that we have almost split friends.. I feel like I have broken up with some of our friends..and sometimes? I miss the friends more than xAP. There were a handful of friends that knew about us...I am in a band..most of the band new..mainly because I was SUCH a basket case in an earlier attempt at ending...I did not hide it well. 

So this time around..when my fellow musicians started talking about him..or asking me questions about him. I said.."You know.I'm just not talking to him anymore. I behaved inappropriately, and it's better for me not to know what he's up to." (often followed with a please don't ask look)

But like I said earlier..xAP also has a set group of friends that I just don't see anymore.

But for all the others...the friends that don't know? I just sit politely, nod..and often try to change the subject.

I'm lucky in that xAP was not a bit technically challenged..so no facebook for him! Yay!

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.