Heartbroken and confused- need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Heartbroken and confused- need support
4
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:20am
I am not sure if this belongs here...because I do not know if my A is ending...I am just beside myself, and need some support and guidance.

To sum up my situation, I have been married for 2 years, and began an emotional A with a very close male friend/co-worker. The OM is engaged to be married in July '05.

We are both teachers in the same district, but not at the same school. We have been close friends for about 6 months since we met. One night after an outing to the bar, we kissed. We both swore it wouldn't happen again, of course, it did. We talk on the phone every day, send e-mails and text messages. Altogether, I would say that we have been physically intimate about 10 times in the past 2 months, each time it gets more and more intense. Each time OM says that it can't happen again, we have to stop, etc. Last night, we were especially intense, both physically and emotionally. Afterwards, OM said that it absolutely can't happen again. He noted date and time and said that "from now on, we can only be friends". I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He said that he feels really connected to me, that we are so much alike, practically best friends, etc. but that it can't go anywhere because we both have seperate lives. I started to cry. We held each other for a long time, and he told me how much he wants me to be in his life forever, that he needs my friendship, etc. He said that every time we are physical it gets harder and harder not to stop, and that he is getting "addicted" to me, and he has to stop it now before it gets "worse" and "more complicated". He said that he's afraid one of us will get hurt and ruin the friendship.

I went home and my H was already in bed. I got in the shower and cried silently for a while. I felt like my heart would break. This morning, I got an e-mail from OM. His family experienced a tragedy earlier in the week, and we spent a lot of time talking about it. In the e-mail, he thanked me for being there for him this week, re-iterated that he never wants to lose my friendship, etc. He also said "I want you to be in my life for the rest of my life". It broke my heart to read those words...

I am so confused and hurt, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am addicted to him, physically and emotionally. Part of me thinks that he means it this time that the physical aspect has to stop, and part of me thinks that we'll be right back where we were before. Please, anyone who has been in this type of situation, what should I do? He is supposed to call me tomorrow, and we e-mail constantly. I don't know how to react. I truly love him (god, I've never admitted that before) and don't want to lose the friendship, but I can't just turn off my feelings like that. Any advice, support, you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Now I know why you call it a rollercoaster

Thanks girls!

-Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:55am
Hi- you should read my posts- this is almost exactly what I have been going thru for the last 6 months. I was very upset a few weeks ago, but I think I am really getting my head together finally (although some here may disagree with that assesment).

We kept getting closer and closer to having s#x, and when it was inevitable, MM sat me down and said we couldn't go any further. Neither of us are capable of nostrings attached s#x and he didn't want to sacrifice the friendship we found for a few moments of pleasure. He too told me he was thinking about me way more than he should and that he was starting to feel very posessive and jealous of my H (who he knows). Yes it hurt and I am still trying to find a way to achieve some sort of balance between feeling attracted to him and maintaining the friendship we found. MM also told me "This friendship could last 20 years- these 6 months are just a small part of that- please don't throw it away over that"

Most on this board will advise you to go NC with this man- it is the only way to get over him. I don't necessarily disagree with that. I guess it depends on how you feel- for me we are neighbors, NC is not possible.

I do agree with everyone on this board that getting some counseling is absolutely crucial- you need to find out why you were so easily able to "connect" with another man when you should be "connecting" with your H. Clearly something is missing.

I have only been on this board for a little while, but the people here are great. I totally respect that they have "been there, done that" and they definitely help me to think a little more clearly. I hope they do for you too.

I too have cried alone in the shower, but looking back, it was at the loss of possibility more than it was this specific person. And once he stopped it,I knew I was going to have to do the hard work of either ending my marriage or finding a way to make it work- neither things I really want to do.

Just take care of yourself- that is the most important thing- when we are functionning normally it is easier to really look at this type of situation with a clear head. One last piece of advice- listen to those voices in your head that are questionning what you say, you are asking those questions for a reason.

Take Care.

No Strings

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:13am
Thanks for the response nostrings! I really needed that. As for the questions I might be asking myself, what kinds of questions are you referring to?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:29am
Why am I doing this?

Where do I really want this to go?

Is an addiction really love?

What are his real motivations? ( This is a big one- I think it is very easy to romanticize what a man says.)

What are my real motivations? (Again it is very easy for women to put a romantic spin on this one)

Is the risk really worth it?

Is this about how it makes me feel or what we bring to each other?

What about my marriage?

What about his?

What did I really expect from this?


I think if you REALLY answer those questions, it might not be very pretty. I know in my case, truthfully, I was in this situation 1. because I never thought I was desirable and I was just so jazzed that this person found me attractive I wanted to see how far I could take that 2. My marriage has been over for a long time and I am afraid to deal with that-this was a nice diversion. 3.NO the risk of losing my family, home and his friendship were not worth it. And mostly I am discovering now that this entire A was about how it made me feel- I hadn't "felt" anything in a long time (Ive been married 13 years). I remember telling a friend the first time anything happened between MM and I "I knew this was wrong and that I would probably end up hurt, but I would rather feel that pain than nothing at all" Definitely not love wouldn't you say?

Take a step back and really listen to those questions. I think they are always there behind the how can I live without him? Why is he breaking my heart? Is he my soulmate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:17pm
Nostrings - thank you so much for your reply. You have given me a lot to think about. I guess self-reflection is a lot of this whole thing, huh? I can understand why this is such an emotional rollercoaster.

I don't know if I feel that this person is my "soulmate", but then again, I believe that you can have more than one soulmate. For example, my best girlfriend is my soulmate because she and I are so much alike it's scary. We finish each other's sentences, call each other just when the other was picking up the phone to do the same...it's weird.

He is definitely someone that I am like in so many ways. We definitely have a strong emotional, mental, and physical bond. So in some ways, he is like a soulmate. Maybe just not the one I was meant to be with that's all.

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and reply. It is so hard to sort through all these emotions right now. I feel better knowing that this board is here for support.