He'll be a thousand miles away

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
He'll be a thousand miles away
11
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:38pm

i chose the "confused" sign cuz i can't seem to decide if this is good, or bad.

First things first. For the 2 year A and for a few more months, he lives right down the street. Well i knew he was moving...as a matter of fact we put our "timeline" of who he was goign to be with based on the sale of his house. We all figured that was logical. He chose to stay w/ W. He wanted to be friends w/ me. And ever since we broke up a few weeks ago, we have been, and it's been great. At first i thought i couldn't do it, but i realized i could. We were two adults making decisions. We couldn't go on forever. In fact, it felt good to be off the emotional roller coaster and to just have a friend. It was a relief, and it was nice. We weren't trying to suck each other back in, and it worked.

Today i found out he's moving alirght. A thousand miles away.

i was devastated and i let him have it. Twice. i was angry and i am not usually angry. i felt like everything we had was a farce and i felt abandon. He fought for this friendship, he got it, we were handling it great, and just as i felt comfortable with it, he's taking that away too.

It's the w's insistance and i can't blame her. One, it's away from me :) And two, they have a dd in that state. Lower cost of living. It makes sense. Hell it's warmer. Makes me want to go LOL (kidding).

But i feel "left" in a whole new way. His chosing to stay i can understand. They have a long history together and it doesn't make me doubt his love for me. But for awhile this did have me doubting, and i hate that. i feel like he's breaking promises he made to me. But on the other hand, i have no right. He made his choice, he does need to commit to her, he's offering himself as a long distance friend, and i can take it or leave it and my picking it apart is just wrong. in the long run, it may even be better for me. But we were going aong just fine as it was! Gr.

So we had a friendhip, and he says we still will. But i feel kinda lost. The man who knows me most is leaving and he'll be very far away. We will still stay in touch i'm sure for at least awhile. But i am used to being able to call him when i need some help around the house, or i'm in a bind and need a hand or a hug. He wanted to be my friend, he got it, now he's changing the rules again. UGH.

and just for the record i was moving on. Staying busy...going to the gym...going out weekends. i have accepted the end of the A, but it was only a few weeks ago. Consdering that i was doing good. Now i have to accept this.

thank you for listening,
jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:58pm

jen,

i dont know what to say, only thought i can think is this is fate, someone out there wants to heal your heart, and maybe this is the answer ot it

he will always be your friend, keep a place for him in your heart, its the one thing u can do, in time your heart will heal and he will be there to be just a memory, good memories i hope and u can learn from those memory

u are doing great Jen, u can do this, i give u all strength and hope, u lead by example, i wish i can be like u, my words and my action are still not the same

i am not a very religious person, but i pray to God, i pray for all of us, i am thinking that one of my prayers were answered already , be strong and keep doing what u are doing

take care and have a good nite,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:11am
I know just how you feel. I had this happen to me (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15633.1&ctx=128) However, my xMM was just kidding about moving. All the same emotions were like yours though. I think it means that you aren't as over it or moving on as well as you thought you were. I sure thought I was doing ok until he hit me with that! It was the thought of never seeing him again that brought me down. I hadn't cried in a long time and I had to go to the bathroom at work to cry when he said that. I am really sorry and don't know what to say except {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:51pm

max and tx,

Thank you so much for responding. i let all my anger out to him and it was therapeutic. i am much calmer now and i see it as a natural ending to a great thing we had. And when he's gone it will be truly be a fresh start for me and a grand opportunity. i will have a wonderful friend, albeit a long distance one, and a fresh start with which to meet anyone i want. For now i am just kind of processing my thoughts and putting my past with him to rest. It's therapeutic, and it feels like a good thing, even though i was temporarily very hurt and upset.

i have read your posts several times. Thank you for your kind words.
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:50pm

jen,

i dont remember if u are single or not but to keep him as friend is nice but i think when u find someone u will eventually forget him

i think it is better if we can forget, i know the memory will be there but in time it will be only a memory and it wil be a faint memory, i hope i will be able to do that also

sometimes we see other people for what we want to see not who they realy are, we get blinded by our emotions and our dreams, sometimes we dream and we drift off from reality, i cant speak if it is wrong or not but we are accountable for our actions, i realy dont know why we go into "affairs" , we all have our reason right

and now we are at a crossroad in our lives , we need to make a decision

i find that i am not able to make a decision yet, thats why for those of us who cannot, we are in pain/anger/anguish or whatever emotions we are feeling, once we come to a decision then i think we can move on

i know it is realy hard, we have loved the other person with all our hearts, we gave them all we got and not they have hurt us and we dont understand why, we ask ourselves all kind of question, why ? howcome ? did we do something wrong?, all kinds of questions that sometimes we wont get the answers and it it hard for us not to know

its not black and white, lots of people are involve, not only u and him/her, other people will be hurt also

so the sooner we can move on the better for all parties concern

ahh, im babbling again, i feel so depress, its like someone died but they are not dead, OW is so close but yet she so far already

my prayers to all of us, i just want to have no more headaches, and a goodnite sleep

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:10am
You hit the nail on the head with this one, Max. I've been having all of those feelings today too. It wasn't a very good day for me, either. I cried in the bathroom at work and on the way home. I see the therapist tomorrow for the first time. I'm hoping that will help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:17am

fallon,

when u see a therapist, pls be honest, u owe it to yourself, sometimes we hold back for whatever reason, embarrassment or guilt or whatever

i too am seeing a therapist, i cannot get time off from work during the workweek so im trying to get some on the weekends, its HMO so they work on saturdays

this board is my therapy

max

the tylenol does not help me anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:36am
I'm always honest. I'm usually an open book. That's another reason why this is so hard for me. I've never had to keep a R a secret before. At first, I liked it because it was nice to have something all to myself that only a cpl friends knew about, but then I couldn't handle the secrecy anymore. I was happy and wanted to tell everyone, but couldn't. Now I'm unhappy and people at work can tell, but I can't tell anyone why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 2:52pm

I am usually a lurker on this board (though I post on others) and this thread really struck a chord with me. Not because of MM (I never loved mine), but because your situation reminded me of the ending of my relationship with the one man that I was very in love with and who broke my heart. We took time off after we broke up and then became friends again.

The entire time that I was friends with him it seemed like everything was going along alright and I thought that I was happy to have him as just a friend. Then he told me that he was seeing someone serious and I was completely shocked at how deeply it bothered me. It made me feel physically ill and I cried for two days. I remember thinking that I sure as heck don't get sick and cry when my other male friends start a serious relationship. So I realized that I was obviously harboring other feelings. A few months later, I ended our friendship for good and we were both devastated.

Right afterward, I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. Just like you, I had lost the man that knew me better than anyone else in the world. I had lost a safety net that I didn't even realize I was relying on. It is now 2 years later and I realize that, as long as I thought that nobody knew me like him, I wasn't letting anyone else in to even give them the opportunity to know me that well. Once I realized that, I was able to let another man into my life. I had been dating but not getting close to anyone.

As much as I hated the fear and loneliness of that period of my life, I look back on it am thankful that it happened. He would have been perfectly happy to remain friends with me while he had his lover (they are still together, in fact - we have mutual friends so I hear about him now and again) and I had nobody and was unable to truly give of myself to someone else because I was so caught up in him. I was getting the proverbial short end of the stick and I couldn't even see it.

You deserve more. You deserve to be free so that you can fall in love with someone who will love you back equally.

Jules

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:20pm

Thank you for your story. At this point i do feel free. And when he moves i am sure i will feel sad, but also free-er. He does know me the most. But that doesn't mean i will not find the man i deserve to be with. He has rejected me twice for his wife, and he is not single. i want him to be happy and this is what makes him happy, and i also want ME to be happy, and to find someone i can settle down with. The first step is to sort out my feelings and greive what we had, and the second to go find the man i belong with :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:05pm

Jen,

It's his life, and this is the path it is heading in. I know it feels crappy, but it'll pass. You probably will be better off in the long run because even though you have accepted that the affair is over, it sounds like you were ok with it as long as you still had him around. This way, it will truly be over with and you will truly be able to get on with your life.

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