Hello :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Hello :)
8
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:21am

Hello my fellow EASers :)

It's beem a long long time since I've been here.  I still do see a few familiar faces around, so helloooooo to the ones who remember me and also, to the new EASers :)

A little update about me : I'm doing well!! I'm A free for 2 years now, and it feels great!  It was a really hard task to get to NC and stick with it, many here know and watched how I struggled and failed hundreds of times before sticking with it and look where I am now.  I still have my wonderful husband, my family intact.  I'm lucky.

 

Hugs to all,

Garfy

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: mom_garfy
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 12:57pm

Nice of you to drop in, Garfy Smile

Your name is familiar, but I don't remember your story.  Feel like sharing it?

You sound like you are in a good place, and it would be nice for all of us to hear how you arrived at this good place. 

See...you thought you were going to just pop your little head up and in...but I gotcha now!

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: mom_garfy
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 2:30pm

Hi Clarity :)

I'm the one who didn't listen to TU.  She tried to "slap" some sense into me and I resisted and resisted... Remember?

Then Bodhi tried, then Luvin tried, then Iddy tried...  Until I listened.

 

My A lasted from Sept 2009 to Dec 2010.  I'm married, have 2 young daughters.  My xAP was a single guy, a narcissist.  I started trying to leave the A in June 2010 (that's when I joined EAS), but was only able to fully do it in Dec, full NC. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 4:30pm

LOL  You describe yourself and many others.  Like RBM once said, 'we always get a new wave of non-listeners.'  I guess people are open to listening when they are ready.  And everyone has their own bottom.  We always try to get people to listen and actually 'hear'...so they don't push the envelope to a discovery day...because then they are looking up at their bottom.

Well, I'm happy that you are out..and you sound good.

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
In reply to: mom_garfy
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 4:45pm

Hi, MG.

Congratulations to you!

I ended my A three months ago, and am now dealing with marital problems (that long pre-dated my A) with my H.  We are in MC now.

I am curious to know, did you tell your H about your affair?  In either case, would you advise others to come clean about an A with their spouses?

Also, did you experience any loss of feelings about your H as a result of your A, and if so, how long did it take you before you began to genuinely care again?  What seemed to work best for you in restoring those feelings?

Best,

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: mom_garfy
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 9:02am

Hi PAC,

 

You're asking excellent questions.  I'll do my best to answer them all.  Please ask away if you need more info.

 

"did you tell your H about your affair?"

No I didn't.  He never had any idea, although we did drift apart while I was in the affair due to my lack of interest in my marriage and him.  While I was ignoring him and our marriage, concentrating on my affair, he stuck to the family and the unity of our marriage, knowing there was something bothering me, he never let go or gave up. 

 

"In either case, would you advise others to come clean about an A with their spouses?"

I understand everyone is different, but if you ask me what I think, honestly, I'll advise people not to come clean about the affair to their spouse.  Why cause emotional pain and suffering to an innocent person?  If you truly ended your affair and you are on your road to recovery, never to go back down that road again, why tell him and add problems to the ones that you already have?  Why risk divorce?  You made wrong choices, you corrected the wrong path you took, it is behind you now if you are 100% committed in your marriage again.  I know this is not the most popular outlook on EAS, but it is my honest opinion.

 

"Also, did you experience any loss of feelings about your H as a result of your A"

Yes I did.  I was 100% out mentally.  I found nothing interesting in my marriage anymore, not emotionally, not physically, nothing.  Every single time I was with my husband, I compared him to my xAP.  Who, btw, wasn't even worth one ounce of my thoughts.  But I learned that the hard way :)

 

"and if so, how long did it take you before you began to genuinely care again?"

It took me a good 6 months to even feel remotely connected to my husband again.  I'd say after the 1 year mark, I was 100% back in my marriage.  Mind body and soul.  

 

"What seemed to work best for you in restoring those feelings?"

A lot of thinking, analyzing, reliving scenes in my head.

Also, try showing your husband love.  You may start by acting it out, but soon, you'll find what made you fall in love with him in the first place.  I'm sure there is something, because after all, you married him.   I started by acting that I was ok, that I was 100% back in my marriage.  I acted like I loved him and I was happy.   Thoughts of xAP were always constantly present too, but I actively tried to push those thoughts aside.  I never succeeded at first, all I could think about was xAP day in and day out.  The whys and whos and whats.  But after months of trying to get over it, you'll see it will start working.  After months of pretending I was in love with my husband and pushing thoughts of xAP aside, it became my reality now.  It's like you reprogram your brain.  I love my husband now, more than ever.  He is a genuinely good guy.  Even if I was single, I would never want a relationship with someone like my xAP.  I now see the flawed man that he was.  I was lucky I didn't leave my marriage for him.  Really lucky.

 

Much love,

Garfy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 6:13pm

It's good to hear this MomGarfy, because I struggle with wondering if my feelings with DH will ever come back.  I'm hoping it's the after effects of the A because I really don't want my marriage to end.  It's good to know there is hope.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: ratherbeme
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 6:50pm

I meant to welcome you back and thinks for stopping in for a visit.  I hope you comeback a little more often, as many can always use the wise advice of a veteran who has been there and done that.

To tell or not tell is as tough as question that can be asked here. It is a frequent question and usually has quite a mix of answers by people who are in the same situation but in different circumstances. Your answer is good by me.  It worked for me. It may or may not work for everyone.

I remember when you were here. I too was having my backslides regularly and have finally reached answers that worked for me. Many tried to tell me, but I have always had to learn things the hard way, and this was no different.

The "Fake it until you make it" theory works more often than not, I would think. Chances are if you are so checked out of your marriage that you are quiting, you aren't going to put much effort into rebuilding it. Common ground of both partners being interested is a requirement for putting any relationship back on track. Without it is just going through the motions.

Many are too blinded by the A fog to really see what they have, which clouds their thinking. Until we have cleared that fog we are just wondering about without direction. 

I am happy for you that you have found a path back towards happiness. Good luck to you.

RBM

 

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
In reply to: mom_garfy
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 8:09pm

HI! 

I definetly remember you.  That exchange between you and TU was epic! I'm so happy to hear that you are two years a free!  I am 3 1/2 years A free and am just finalizing my divorce from H.  I"m in a good place, I don't think of xAp anymore and have actually reached indifference ( if you remember, I was in the A for 7+ years).  Letting go of my marriage is hard, but letting go of my H is not...if that makes sense.  So glad you checked in!

Angie

Formerly heartacheafter7years