hello

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2014
hello
6
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 6:40pm

I really dont know why I am posting here, I think I just want to get my pain out in words. I ended a ten year affair yesterday with a man I was so in love with and would do anything for. This man up until last week promised me the world. I was completely blindsided as I felt that this was my soulmate. He promised me over and over again that he was going to leave his marriage at the end of this year. This man told me his wife and him grew apart. During the ten year relationship we had our ups and downs and there were times where we ended but always got back together. However, during this last year I was led to believe that he was seriously ready to leave and only to be let down yesterday by this man telling me that he still has an emotional attachment to his wife. This man attempted to explain himself to me last night and today and I have repeatedly told him to please not contact me. I told him I can no longer deal with the rollercoaster ride and that I am truly done this time. I am single and have wasted a decade of time on something that has not gone anywhere. I feel like a fool. I have cried off and on and I have finally realized that I need to move on if I want to be truly happy with someone. I deserve happiness in my life with a man who wants to give me attention and love and not when its convenient for him. I dont want to begin to even try to figure out what happened and why he could change and do a compelete 180 in a matter of week. I believe it has always been this way, I just feel I was too bilnd to see it or wanted to believe what he was telling me. I am just hoping to move on with as little pain as possible. I dont feel I need to see a counselor or therapist as I have been there and done that throughout the years. Any advice from anyone out there, especially the single women going through this? How long did it take you to move on after your affair/ When does the pain and crying end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
In reply to: cphoney41
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 7:51pm

I've never been in your situation so I don't really have any advice but I want to send hugs to you . I'm sorry for your pain. It will get better with time.

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: cphoney41
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 10:31pm

Hi Cphoney...welcome to EAS

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Although I haven' been in an affair now for over 10 years, I just left a 10-year relationship filled with hopes and dreams...due to alcoholism.  So I know the feeling of loss.

I guess you will never know if he was ragging you around for all this time or if maybe he found that he just could not leave when push came to shove. We sometimes overlook that leaving means far more than just packing your bags and walking out the door; as in, how many people he has to leave. Wife, kids (if he had any), her familly, his family...and not that he has to leave them completely, because they would have always been in his life at some level, but the upset to all these people and their lives could have been too much to bear.  So might as well not dwell on his whys.

I'm sorry...you will just have to grieve this out, and the timeline for getting through it is different for everyone. Take care of yourself now. Pamper yourself. Eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids to replace those tears, get your rest and don't numb yourself with alcohol or drugs.

If you think he's going to try to keep engaging you, close down every avenue of contact...shut it all down. Destroy all emails, throw out or donate any gifts...rid yourself of all reminders.

I, too, feel like I wasted 10 good years...and I am no spring chicken. But we gain experience from each and every relationship...none are wasted time really.  And it's never too late to find someone else...but only when you are ready...after you have healed.

Please keep posting in to talk it out and for support.

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: myrasfriend
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 10:13am

Being single and staying with an emotionally unavailable man is more than about how much you loved this man. Loving someone is no excuse for putting your life on hold for someone else who keeps you on the sidelines of his real life. You really have to dig deeper and find out why you stayed so long in that situation. Take love out of it because that is just a feeling; and just because you have a strong feeling about someone or something doesn't mean you have to act on it. I strongly suggest counseling. I know you said that you have BTDT but you really have to get into yourself somehow and dig deep within to determine why you made the choice to stay in a hidden relationship. The reason you stayed really isn't about him and it really isn't about how much you loved him or believed he was your soul mate. You stayed because you felt safe for some reason. You cut off the possibilities of finding a real relationship where you can sit around the dinner table at Christmas with your lover's family and laugh about stories and /or situations that his mother/sister/brother/aunt....  would share with you about the man you loved because they knew that you were the lady in his life. You stayed hidden out, kept his secret, kept your mouth shut and stayed in the shadows of his real life because something deep within you wanted to hide in the fantasy. He didn’t “keep” you there, you kept yourself there for ten years. This isn't about him and what he was telling you after ten years. This is about you not wanting to live an authentic, whole life out of the shadows with integrity and honor. Why did you really stay. Fear of abandonment?  Whatever is holding you back, figure it out and get out there and live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2014
In reply to: cphoney41
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 11:40am

Hi Clarity, thank you so much for the welcome and kind words. I am just taking it day by day. He is definately still engaging with me and I am trying to stay strong but realize that nothing will materialize as far as a relationship that he promised over and over again. We do work in the same building but not the same office which is a good thing . I do not have to see him everyday while I am trying to heal.

wClarity wrote:
<p>Hi Cphoney...welcome to EAS</p><p>I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Although I haven' been in an affair now for over 10 years, I just left a 10-year relationship filled with hopes and dreams...due to alcoholism.  So I know the feeling of loss.</p><p>I guess you will never know if he was ragging you around for all this time or if maybe he found that he just could not leave when push came to shove. We sometimes overlook that leaving means far more than just packing your bags and walking out the door; as in, how many people he has to leave. Wife, kids (if he had any), her familly, his family...and not that he has to leave them completely, because they would have always been in his life at some level, but the upset to all these people and their lives could have been too much to bear.  So might as well not dwell on his whys.</p><p>I'm sorry...you will just have to grieve this out, and the timeline for getting through it is different for everyone. Take care of yourself now. Pamper yourself. Eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids to replace those tears, get your rest and don't numb yourself with alcohol or drugs.</p><p>If you think he's going to try to keep engaging you, close down every avenue of contact...shut it all down. Destroy all emails, throw out or donate any gifts...rid yourself of all reminders.</p><p>I, too, feel like I wasted 10 good years...and I am no spring chicken. But we gain experience from each and every relationship...none are wasted time really.  And it's never too late to find someone else...but only when you are ready...after you have healed.</p><p>Please keep posting in to talk it out and for support.</p><p>((hugs))</p><p>Clarity </p>

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 2:23pm

You're welcome :)

Did you formally end the affair? You really need to do that...and be perfectly clear that you are through. Then, I guess you'll know where he was coming from as he will either respect your wishes because he cares enough to see you happy and free to meet another, or just selfishly continue to engage and rag you around for his needs.

If you were wishy washy, he's going to keep trying to wear you down because that is what apparently happened in the past when you tried to end it a few times.

You have to send the very clear message..."I'm done." And then, stick by your words. And when you run into give him the body language that states 'you're now an annoyance...stop bothering me.'...and keep walking. A man's ego can take just so much of that.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: cphoney41
Thu, 07-31-2014 - 4:30pm

I have not been in a similar situation but my best friend was, with the exception that the guy never told her that he would leave his wife.  She knew that he was in an unhappy marriage (both families were friends for years).  My friend got divorced for reasons unrelated to this guy and after that they started an affair but really only got together occasionally.  She just assumed that maybe he was waiting for his youngest child to go to college, etc.  Well that happened, nothing changed but then his wife seemed to have even greater control over his every move, even started working in his office.  For a while there, the guy was even acting very distant to my friend where before the affair started they had at least been platonic friends--I'm sure the DW was always suspicious, even before things happened.  

I remember when she started the actual affair when he (almost accidentally) ended a phone call by saying "love you" and then it all came out.  This was in 2003 (when I got married--that's why I remember).  It really went on for years where she was pining for him, not trying to date, etc.  Finally she realized that nothing was ever going to happen and he must have psychological problems when he was choosing to stay with his wife, who he did not get along with and disrespected.  So I think it just faded away--I don't think she ever had a conversation with him about why did he waste her time, etc.  

So I think the good thing is that although you think you wasted a long time with him, at least you arrived at the point where you are done--you aren't going to waste any more time on what you now know is a dead end.