Hello all.... just blew out of OZ...
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| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 8:06pm |
Hi all.
For those of you who don't read the other boards, I thought I would introduce myself. I recently ended a 4 month affair with a married man. Recently as in two days ago.
To summarize my situation, I'm copying a couple of my posts from All Sides. I'm sure there's some folks here who don't venture over to that side of the world....
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I know I could use the phone or email him and just change my number or my email, but we work together (though in different cities) and I need to make as clean of a break as I can without any room for ambiguity. Seeing him in person and looking down at that ring on his finger while I tell him what I have to say is exactly what I need to cut him loose.
I love him. I have absolutely no doubt that I do. But I love him, and myself, enough to walk away. Despite the good fortune (?) of the few who have made this type of relationship work, I can't spend years letting myself sink lower and him demean hiself and his wife just on the chance that maybe possibly next year will be my year.
I'm sad, devastated actually, but anytime I think about what I'm losing, I think about what I never really had and that gets me through.
Thanks for asking about me.... and more importantly thanks for caring. You've been a tremendous help and these boards, yes even (and maybe especially) the MAS board, have been a real life saver.
Wish me luck tonight, although I know I don't really need it. As Cher said, "I'm strong enough...." and blah blah blah :)>>>
And this post in reference to a woman talking about her confusion over an impending inappropriate relationship with a married man....
<<Or any anger to project on you.
I echo the sentiments of every former OW on this board, and I have only been a former OW for a matter of hours now.
Nothing good will come of you being with him.
He will not occupy your spare time, he will consume your every thought.
He will not make you feel better about yourself, he will make you feel cheap and needy by constantly seeking his approval.
He will not make you feel special, once you no longer serve your purpose.
Why does he take his ring off? To make it easier for you to believe his lies.
Why does he tell you his marriage is awful? To make you pity him and coax your estrogen enduced "motherly" reflex to want to make everything all better for him.
Why did he cry when you said you wouldn't engage in an affair with him? See last question.
The questions you need answers and insight into are what inside yourself is missing to make you even consider this type of an arrangement. You won't find those answers here.
What you will find are tons of horror stories and real life nightmares about what comes from an affair. On ALL sides.
Good luck to you in finding the strength so many of us wish we would have had sooner.
Edited to add:
I thought the same thing you did when I got here... that I was being blamed and no one had anything to say about the MM. I've come out of this thinking a little differently.
I feel victimized. But not by him. I was PLAYED by him... but not victimized. I did that to myself by believing the same tired lines that this man is using on you now.
These women don't blame you. They are trying to hold you ACCOUNTABLE for your own (at this point) potential actions.
You are right, you didn't start this affair. You didn't persue him. And you can come out of this smelling like roses as long as you refuse to let him drag you down to the level he's on. You didn't start it.... but you can CHOOSE to end it.
I really do wish you all the best. Read my posts if you want to see what happens to your heart when a "really great, cute, fun, awesome guy with an awful marriage" starts showing you a little affection.>>>
Despite the advice of Bhe Bard, I come here to be both a borrower and a lender... of support.
Thanks for your time in reading this post!


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A bit of inspiration from Posie sent me to go researching for more articles and links...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/health/march99/infid033099.htm
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I feel this way. But this is not my situation. I'm out from under this. But it doesn't mean I'm not still fighting myself to stop staring at the phone.
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
Hi Sunshine,
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Well, considering that you have arrived at the "End" of your journey, there probably isn't a whole heck of a lot of to be said at this time to brighten your day
True
"see what a bitter, angry little snot I was once upon a time"
You bitter and angry, NAH, armed and dangerous OH YAH
Free
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Deceived
You may want to start by changing this type of thinking >>>"my guy"<<< HE IS NOT YOUR GUY AND NEVER WAS, if he is married then he is his WIFES GUY, your guy is the one your married to.
The battle is won or lost in the MIND first before it gets physical, work on your thinking, if he is married or has a G/F then try calling him (wifes name)s HUSBAND do not use his given name, start to reprogram your thinking day by day.
Free
Deceived
Using the family name or reverencing him by his wife or children is a start, when you have thoughts about him FORCE yourself to substitute a nice thought about your husband...children ETC..maybe a vacation memory, birthday, anniversary things that are about your family.
It will take time and effort but we have had women at this board who have done it and swear by it.
Free
The problem is, I listened to him for too long..."it just happened," "but I love you," "we can't help the way we feel" etc. etc. etc. I tried to tell myself that I would NEVER go and try to take something that belonged to someone else, what made me think I could take part of someone's husband? I knew all along that he belonged to her. I deceived myself and listened to all of my lies instead of seeing what I was really doing. Well I will never be in that place again. It is the most selfish thing I have ever done.
I've also been told to journal and write things down but I have avoided it. Has anyone had success with that?
DM
DM
Yes journaling works as a way of venting emotions rather then contacting the AP, in effect when you post things about your stuggles on a board like this that is what your doing or at least it has that effect.
>>""it just happened," "but I love you," "we can't help the way we feel"<<
THIS IS THE BIG LIE that we tell ourselves and each other, NOTHING JUST HAPPENS, we take the time to prepare the ground for the affair to bloom we prepare the soil by spending to much time with the AP creating a intimate relationship telling them things about our personal lif e (often this could read marriage or husband) that was never any of there business in the first place.
When we keep TOTAL NO CONTACT or as close to it as we can we deconstruct that intimate relationship by sharing nothing at all with them, as they say we disconnect emotionally from them.
What is done is done but tommorrow is up to you.
Free
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