Hello all.... just blew out of OZ...
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| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 8:06pm |
Hi all.
For those of you who don't read the other boards, I thought I would introduce myself. I recently ended a 4 month affair with a married man. Recently as in two days ago.
To summarize my situation, I'm copying a couple of my posts from All Sides. I'm sure there's some folks here who don't venture over to that side of the world....
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I know I could use the phone or email him and just change my number or my email, but we work together (though in different cities) and I need to make as clean of a break as I can without any room for ambiguity. Seeing him in person and looking down at that ring on his finger while I tell him what I have to say is exactly what I need to cut him loose.
I love him. I have absolutely no doubt that I do. But I love him, and myself, enough to walk away. Despite the good fortune (?) of the few who have made this type of relationship work, I can't spend years letting myself sink lower and him demean hiself and his wife just on the chance that maybe possibly next year will be my year.
I'm sad, devastated actually, but anytime I think about what I'm losing, I think about what I never really had and that gets me through.
Thanks for asking about me.... and more importantly thanks for caring. You've been a tremendous help and these boards, yes even (and maybe especially) the MAS board, have been a real life saver.
Wish me luck tonight, although I know I don't really need it. As Cher said, "I'm strong enough...." and blah blah blah :)>>>
And this post in reference to a woman talking about her confusion over an impending inappropriate relationship with a married man....
<<Or any anger to project on you.
I echo the sentiments of every former OW on this board, and I have only been a former OW for a matter of hours now.
Nothing good will come of you being with him.
He will not occupy your spare time, he will consume your every thought.
He will not make you feel better about yourself, he will make you feel cheap and needy by constantly seeking his approval.
He will not make you feel special, once you no longer serve your purpose.
Why does he take his ring off? To make it easier for you to believe his lies.
Why does he tell you his marriage is awful? To make you pity him and coax your estrogen enduced "motherly" reflex to want to make everything all better for him.
Why did he cry when you said you wouldn't engage in an affair with him? See last question.
The questions you need answers and insight into are what inside yourself is missing to make you even consider this type of an arrangement. You won't find those answers here.
What you will find are tons of horror stories and real life nightmares about what comes from an affair. On ALL sides.
Good luck to you in finding the strength so many of us wish we would have had sooner.
Edited to add:
I thought the same thing you did when I got here... that I was being blamed and no one had anything to say about the MM. I've come out of this thinking a little differently.
I feel victimized. But not by him. I was PLAYED by him... but not victimized. I did that to myself by believing the same tired lines that this man is using on you now.
These women don't blame you. They are trying to hold you ACCOUNTABLE for your own (at this point) potential actions.
You are right, you didn't start this affair. You didn't persue him. And you can come out of this smelling like roses as long as you refuse to let him drag you down to the level he's on. You didn't start it.... but you can CHOOSE to end it.
I really do wish you all the best. Read my posts if you want to see what happens to your heart when a "really great, cute, fun, awesome guy with an awful marriage" starts showing you a little affection.>>>
Despite the advice of Bhe Bard, I come here to be both a borrower and a lender... of support.
Thanks for your time in reading this post!


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I disagree that writing on this board has the same effect as journaling.
In a journal you will write things you will never post on this board. If you journal long enough, you will even be surprised by what you write, because what you write for a while, what you write starts to come from your unconscious mind. In a journal, you have a written record (all in one place -- a notebook) to go back and see what you've written, where you started, where you are at, and the progress that you've made.
At first I started addressing my journal entries to my XMM. It helped to get me going and to vent. But I've stopped that now. I write to myself or to 'God' -- whoever/whatever you conceive God to be. And you don't have to journal everyday. But it helps to journal everyday in the beginning. Find a time that's good for you -- morning or evening -- and try to journal at the same time of the day.
Della
If you hang around he long enough your going to find out that some people post pretty amazing stuff, stuff you would never expect to read here.
But the point was that posting can help VENT emotions that might otherwise lead to someone breaking NC, for some women journaling can help them vent in the same way.
I am not saying journaling is limited to venting but can have the effect of venting as can posting.
Sunshine
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I read this quote this morning and I havent stopped thinkign about it! I used to kid myself that I just used MM to keep me busy during my borign times but that wasnt true!! He consumed my thoughts from the moment I woke until the moment I went to sleep. ANd I remember if I'd be busy and an hour or so would go by without thinking of him i'd be like "wow ..i havent thought about MM in an hour!"
I just dont get it sometimes..
cat,
i think about mine all the time. i know i'm stupid for being in this situation in the first place but he is the one that my heart wants. i am so confused too
Debbi
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
No, you don't understand what I'm saying. And since courses are given on journaling (and courses are not given on board posting), it would be hard to explain it here. This IS good for venting and for almost immediate support if you don't have a close friend you can talk to -- but even then the close friend would have to have had an affair to really know what we have gone through and are going through. But this board will not take the place of a good therapist and journaling. There are things we absolutely cannot write on this board, and we can talk about it in therapy and we can write it in our journal. And as we write, things from our unconscious mind start flowing through our fingers. In fact, that's one of the reasons journals aren't kept on computers. There is something about the pen in hand that is important to journaling.
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