Hello, have not posted in almost a year

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Hello, have not posted in almost a year
2
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 6:38pm
Hello. I used to post regularly on this board when my affair had just come to an end. I have been going through archives and reading my old posts. Since I have had a year to read, think and learn I have some new perspective. It is interesting that I never really talked about my marital problems in my old posts. At that time, I was so caught up in the pain of the end of my affair. The advice that I have seen given time and time again on this board is to evaluate the reasons why you had the affair in the first place. As for me, I was in denial. Strong denial. I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage and just did not want to face that. I spoke about my husband being emotionally unavailable, but I never really acknowledged just had bad it was. Before, during and after my affair, I would try to communicate with my husband. I literally begged him to talk to me. Most of the time, all I got from him was a very cold, blank stare. Usually, I would start to cry. That would make it worse. He would never reach out to me or try to hold me or respond to me in any way during these "talks". The topic of these talks was generally along the lines of having children.... starting a family..... was he happy.... why couldn't he talk to me and on and on. I literally never got any answers from him. He spent most of his time away from me; he worked the night shift. He did not help me at all around the house. The only thing he did was mow the lawn. He never bought gifts or cards on special occassions. We went to marriage counseling once and he only made it for 2 sessions. He would not even fill out the questionaire that they gave us (questions about each other) So, I realize now that I was a sitting duck for an affair. For me, it was like dying of thirst and having someone hand me a glass of water. I was starved for affection, attention, love, conversation, empathy, compassion, etc. I really believed that the man of my affair loved me the way that he said that he did. I really believed that he wanted to have children with me. In other words, I really believed that my pain was about him. After lots of therapy (and lots of painful work) I realize that my pain was really about my loneliness in my marriage. My husband was like a dream come true when we dated. It all changed after the wedding. I lived with an illusion for 9 years. For some reason, it was important to me to hold onto that illusion. Granted, I did not fully understand that neglect, withdrawal, withholding, and silence were forms of emotional abuse. The thing that I have had to face about myself is Why did I stay in that so long? Why did I have an affair with someone rather than end my unhappy marriage? These are tough questions. It really is true that if you are married and having an affair, you HAVE to really look at what was going on in your marriage. You have to look at what your missing. You have to deal with it first, rather than jump into something else that can cause you more pain than you ever imagined. I really thought that my husband would be hurt when we divorced. Within 2 months, he had already become involved with someone else. I tried to get my husband to be honest with me and I with him and really deal with all of our issues. He had an addiction to internet pornography. My husband chose to run rather than deal with any of the issues. He used my affair to become a victim himself. He is getting a lot of mileage from my affair with his new girlfriend and possibly his family too. I have suffered terrible guilt now for almost a year. I am finally realizing that most people just don't go out and decide to have an affair. I wanted intimacy, joy, companionship, communication, and love in my marriage. If I had had those things or even been able to talk about them and work on them with my husband, I would never have had an affair. Just my 2 cents....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:11pm

<<>>>

Thank you for coming back and sharing your story. I totally agree with you about looking at what's missing in a relationship that causes one to stray. I have written the very same words over and over again on here, but mostly refer to the concept that the flaw lies withing ourself moreso than in the marriage. What baffles me to no end though, are the women that confess that they have terrific husbands and good marriages, and still choose to cheat. They come here asking "Why? Why am I jeopardizing my marriage like this?" You know, I usually just sit here shaking my head in total bewilderment, because if they are so clueless, then how the heck are strangers on a board supposed to know?

I recently wrote that "lonliness" was my reason for getting involved with XMM. Only I was divorced (many years) and my kids were already out of the house. I WAS VERY LONELY. No excuse of course, but I didn't (or wouldn't)put two and two together until 4 years later when I saw that my affair only made me MORE lonely. Tossed bread crumbs always left me starving.....

I am sorry for your loss (the marraige), but I am happy that you NOW realise what it was that you so desparetly needed and weren't getting. Probably the marriage would have dissolved or burned out anyway regardless of the affair. You have given yourself a second chance for happiness and know one knows this more than I do: Unless we fix ourselves, we will only continue making the same mistakes over and over. You are now on your way to achieveing that life you've always wanted, and I wish you well in your new journey.

Hugs to you,

~True~




Edited 11/24/2004 8:26 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:02pm
You know True, I honestly never thought that having an affair was an option either. Then, I was thrown those crumbs that you speak of. My affair guy pursued me pretty relentlessly. I was strong in the beginning. I trusted him because he had been a friend for 2 years. I honestly don't think I would have given anyone I had just met a chance. Anyway, I was firm in the beginning that we both work on our marriages first and deal with our stuff. I suggested 6 months. He freaked. He could not do it. I gave in and thus began the first of about 12 times over a 4 year period that I ended it and then allowed myself to get right back into it. Another reason that I did not even think of an affair as an option in my marriage was because I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was the problem. If my husband no longer wants to touch me or talk to me or be with me then it must be me right? Sometimes, I really believe that had we (me and xom) stayed apart and dealt with our stuff that we might have actually eventually come together as a real couple. Instead, he went back into his marriage and had another child. I lost him and my husband. It has taken me months to stop feeling like I got what I deserved. My husband still feels that way. Actually, I am not sure that he truly feels that way because his first words regarding my affair were "I guess I cannot blame you". That only lasted about one day. He said that he wanted a divorce. However, I was the one that filed the papers, did all of the leg work, etc. The divorce is still not final even though he is already practically living with someone else. The xom just looks the other way when he sees me at work. It is painful.
If I could do it all again, I would have faced the problems in my marriage head on and ended it. That would have been only 3.5 years into my marriage; 7 years ago. Had I done that, I may not have been so vulnerable as to set myself up for an affair.