Help :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Help :(
12
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 7:55pm

Hello everybody. A few of you might remember me from a long time ago, over a year probably. At the time I'd gone NC from my MM, but I shamefully fell back into my old routine. We work together, which makes it nearly impossible to keep NC.

Well, we've now been "together"...funny word, "together"...for over 2 years, and it's now over. For good. No going back. I feel like I'm dying a slow death over here. I am so sad, hurt, ashamed, enraged, nauseas, that I'm finding it hard to have any hope that I will recover from this.

What essentially led to our demise was two things: 1) I was prepared to leave my husband for him, and he was never going to leave his wife, though he led me to believe he was considering it, and 2) he and his wife are in fact planning on moving far away from the city we live in, and once I found out about this I simply couldn't accept the fact that he would willingly just leave me behind, like beat-up furniture you put on the curb because it's no use to you anymore and it's not worth selling. I cannot get over this. I cannot get over the idea of him deciding to move away, because it makes me realize how little I meant to him. I cannot get over the thought of him and his wife excitedly writing the next chapter of their lives, in which I am not a character. He effectively wrote me out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 8:29pm

Silver Doe,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 8:50pm
Welcome ...

"I think my ex-AP is a very sick person. He is depressed, I suspect Borderline personality and takes many prescription drugs to even his moods, yet he is still very hot-and-cold, very manipulative. I feel that I am very deep in his web of lies, and I just need a lot of help working myself out of it."

Okay, so this is what you have stated about him, you focus on HIS behavior, the choices HE is making ... what about YOU? You have a family that you are committed to, right? Where are YOU in all of this? You went NC before, you had EAS as a resource, so WHAT is going to be different this time? How are you going to stick to strict LC at work? This isn't about holding your breath up until the day he does, or does not leave, but about the steps YOU are going to take to reclaim your life, to stop living contingent on the whims of someone else's husband.

WE will be here to give you hugs, and encouragement, but our support here will not be about colluding with your poor choices, or in blaming xAP for not following through on the false promises he told you. We will encourage you to focus only on you and your actions, because these are the only ones you have any control over. YOU should be only too happy if this person walks out of your life forever. He is a toxin to you, and it is time that you said NO MORE.

The demise of this affair should have been because you had come to your senses and realized that you were running in and outta traffic and running outta luck with not getting hit by an on-coming dump truck full of crap and pain.

"I could probably use some therapy, honestly."

I strongly recommend therapy for any and all who engage in an affair. It is self-harming behavior and I believe symptomatic of deeper and/or issues, rather than the cause of them.

remember, we have ALL felt the pain of where you are now. Many of us have been in LC hell, and know the challenges you face. YOU can do this.

And I am so sorry that you are hurting. It sucks but use it to fuel your ending. You're hurting because of your own choices, and now you can choose to not hurt yourself any more.

((hugs))

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 9:05pm

Hi Silverdoe,

Im glad that you have come back to EAS for the encouragment and support you will need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 9:06pm

Thank you both for responding...

Transcend, you said:

"The demise of this affair should have been because you had come to your senses and realized that you were running in and outta traffic and running outta luck with not getting hit by an on-coming dump truck full of crap and pain."

I love your analogy. And in fact the demise IS because I came to my senses. I was the one who called it off, because I was sick and tired of all the fighting, and drama, and feeling heartsick because I couldn't be with him, and the shame of knowing I would never be legitimate in his life--the reason I have wavered is because he has been persistently, obsessively trying to get me to come back. Right now it's all about me maintaining strict LC/NC in order to fend him off. He ichats me at work a lot throughout the day, writes to me at night (well, not anymore, as we had a HUGE blow-up at work today that led to all this current mess), etc., and in the past has always worn me down with affection and puppy-dog eyes until I come back and start the cycle all over again.

So you're right, this absolutely should be about me and MY choice to end this, not his bouquet of faults (and what a bouquet). Right now is around the time when I'd be wandering back to him, feeling lonely because my husband is at work and wondering what my AP is doing, but now I've absolutely decided it is NOT going to happen, even if he did postpone his

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 9:21pm
Silverdoe ... the way I read your post, you're at the point of wanting to want to end, but feeling vulnerable that you'll be unable to resist his "puppy dog eyes".

These are the eyes that feel so entitled to string you along in the hopes that you'll just keep stroking his ego until his W and real life family MOVE AWAY FROM YOU.

YOU are a marriage woman who had to tell lies and manipulate the ones you love most to steal moments away ... you were tucked into the darkest corner of his life, a dirty secret.

WHAT good memories are there? They were moments constructed through lies and deceit ... moments that would destroy the hearts & lives of those who love you, need you & trust you if they knew what you were up to.

YOU must work to re-frame the affair, not simple go NC/LC. Ending an affair is about getting real, and having the courage to face your actions head on.

"Right now it's all about me maintaining strict LC/NC in order to fend him off. He ichats me at work a lot throughout the day, writes to me at night (well, not anymore, as we had a HUGE blow-up at work today that led to all this current mess),"

See, this is the statement that has me concerned. Are you really committing to NC, or are you trying to teach him a lesson of sorts?

You state that you had a blow up at work and that is what led to this current mess.

NO THE AFFAIR is what led to this current mess.

"the reason I have wavered is because he has been persistently, obsessively trying to get me to come back. "

This is not about him. YOU don't need to go back just because he wants you to. HE had a wife to turn to for whatever it is he comes chasing after you for.

His trying to get you back should not be understood as a demonstration of care,or that you (or I) or irreplaceable and important, but the actions of a selfish 'man' trying to keep his ego happy with the affection and attention of a married women.

I know there is a lot of pain & fear; however, seeing your affair for what it was will help the healing.

Much care,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 9:47pm

I can't thank you enough for the tough love. It just helps to hear so much realness after two years of fantasy. Seriously.

Transcend, you said:

"'Right now it's all about me maintaining strict LC/NC in order to fend him off. He ichats me at work a lot throughout the day, writes to me at night (well, not anymore, as we had a HUGE blow-up at work today that led to all this current mess)'

See, this is the statement that has me concerned. Are you really committing to NC, or are you trying to teach him a lesson of sorts?"

To answer your question: In the past, I would have done it to teach him a lesson. Now, no.

When I said it's about me maintaining strict LC/NC to fend him off, I just meant, I now realize that I HAVE to keep my armor up in order to resist his advances and let him know that I am serious about this; he is working off of two years of me wavering, me saying "okay, we can still be 'friends'," we can still be work buddies, me saying "leave me alone!" and then succombing to him in under 24 hours--all of which inevitably led me back into the honey.

I already know to expect the puppy dog eyes, and in the past they have worked. Now, I cannot let them.

It was the "blow up at work" that led to my current state of utter dejection and my commitment to LC/NC; it was the awful, miserableness of the affair that led me to "flirt" with the idea of LC/NC over the past several weeks, and the fight was the tipping point, I suppose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 9:53pm

Silverdoe - you are very smart to realize that for YOU you need to get out now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 11:23pm

I remember you....and welcome back. Happy you have decided to rejoin us.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: silverdoe14
Fri, 02-11-2011 - 7:30am

((SilverDoe))

I'd like to welcome you back and let you know that we are here to help you succeed this time. You were offered some great responses in this thread, and changing your perspective to make this journey all about you now, is what will get you there.

I will touch upon Xmm for only a moment and then that will be it. He seems to have serious mood swings which are deeply affecting you. When we let the AP dictate how our day is going to go, we are giving away our own power and control. You have been living in his dysfunctional shadow, depriving yourself of making your own decisions. I can't begin to tell you how unhealthy this has been for you. They are JAM, and this one sounds very manipulative. He knows what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. You have to dismantle that panel of reactions and build a new one designed just for you. This new panel needs to short circuit anything he throws at you. LC will help you to do this. Read the thread in the Healing Library called "How to Maintain LC at the workplace" and put it on your new best seller list. Read the tips and start implementing them.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
In reply to: silverdoe14
Fri, 02-11-2011 - 8:58am

Hi Silverdoe,

I cannot add much to what these very smart ans savvy women have already said. Once you take a hard realistic look at him and put the fantasy of what you WANTED him to be away, you will see the situation with much more clarity.

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