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| Thu, 02-10-2011 - 7:55pm |
Hello everybody. A few of you might remember me from a long time ago, over a year probably. At the time I'd gone NC from my MM, but I shamefully fell back into my old routine. We work together, which makes it nearly impossible to keep NC.
Well, we've now been "together"...funny word, "together"...for over 2 years, and it's now over. For good. No going back. I feel like I'm dying a slow death over here. I am so sad, hurt, ashamed, enraged, nauseas, that I'm finding it hard to have any hope that I will recover from this.
What essentially led to our demise was two things: 1) I was prepared to leave my husband for him, and he was never going to leave his wife, though he led me to believe he was considering it, and 2) he and his wife are in fact planning on moving far away from the city we live in, and once I found out about this I simply couldn't accept the fact that he would willingly just leave me behind, like beat-up furniture you put on the curb because it's no use to you anymore and it's not worth selling. I cannot get over this. I cannot get over the idea of him deciding to move away, because it makes me realize how little I meant to him. I cannot get over the thought of him and his wife excitedly writing the next chapter of their lives, in which I am not a character. He effectively wrote me out.

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Wow, Aliveagain...i really feel your pain. It's good to hear from someone else who has had to deal with the moving thing. I've been trolling these boards for months looking for other people who have gone through that. My exAP first told me he was leaving about 6 months ago. His wife had gone away for a weekend and we had spent a lot of time together. Little did I know she was on job interviews and house hunting. He came very close to leaving "within weeks" but they ended up staying. Ever since then, I have lived in the shadow of his impending "move." I thought about it constantly. I asked him about it constantly. He was vague and cryptic. It's funny how JAMs seem to share a vocabulary. "I need to figure a lot of things out." "I can't live without you." Delay, delay, delay. I, too, wish I had walked out the door six months ago, instead of prolonging this heartache.
So, yes. It's the darkness and pain of the last six-or-so months, when my heart beat out of my chest and I sat on the edge of my chair day after day, thinking maybe today will be the day he breaks the news that he's leaving for good. Every email I got, every IM, every time he said, "let's go to lunch," I thought, "this is it." It is simply no way to live, and the worst part is, I think he liked it that way.
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