HELP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
HELP!!!!!
6
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:25pm
I've posted here before, and I really need some advice. Short of it...had a EMA with MM. My H found out about it. We separated. I really want to work things out. Understand his pain, hurt, etc. He has been grinding on me to tell his wife. A little background...wife has had more than one affair on her husband, including one with a friend of mine (which is how I met her H), and knows that I know about it. She knows a little bit about us, but not much. I really DO NOT want to do this. He wants me to call her and tell her that it's true, I'm sorry, etc. He says that this is the only way that he can even begin to get past this. I know it's revenge against OM, although he says it's the only way he can know absolutely that I won't be going back. I've tried to tell him that it's over (it is). I will never see this man again. But he just refuses to budge. I've tried telling him that I've discussed it with a professional (I have), friend, etc., and everyone says not to do it. But he will not even consider working things out with me unless I do. What the hell can I do? I feel so drained and torn. I just want to leave this behind me and move on. I would like him to start (baby steps, I know) doing the same, but he is adamant. Do I just tell him "no" and see if as time goes by, and he realizes that I'm not there more and more, that he'll change his mind? Knowing him, how stubborn and controlling he can be, I doubt that will happen. What would any of you do in my shoes? I really need some advice here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
In reply to: sillyme12000
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:35pm
Tough situation -- as I understand it, your H wants you to talk to the wife of the guy with whom you had the EMA?

What did the counselor say when he expressed this wish while at counseling? i would want to know:

1. What does he hope to gain by having you do this? How will having her know your secret help him ease his own pain? It may make him feel good for a very short time, but in the long run it will have no positive effect.

2. Why does he want to bring more pain to someone else? That's what will happen when this conversation occurs. Is this a "misery loves company " sort of thing? That is not a healthy thing to think about.

This story is best told by her H, not by you. Ask him how it feels to hear this from a third party. Not very good, right? Why would he want to bring that on soemone else?

Here is what I would tell him:

"I love you very much and I want to take the right steps to repair the damage I have done to our relationship. But this work has got to be done within our marriage first. It will be hurtful and spiteful for me to interfere in their lives anymore. If, after we have worked on our marriage for 6 months, and have gotten to a better point in our relationship, let's ask ourselves this question again. If we both think it's in our best interest (not the other couple's interest) and that it will help continue to strengthen our marriage, then I will consider talking with the BW."

Let us know how it goes -- best of luck to you!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: sillyme12000
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:36pm
Hiya Sillyme,

Swans mate for life. If a swan bit me, I'd not expect my DH to require me to exact retribution on the swan's mate.

If DH is adamant about full & frank disclosure, then if -IF- your affair partner will not confess the affair to his wife, perhaps it would be marginally kinder for your husband to speak with your affair partner's wife directly.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sillyme12000
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:02pm

Hubby is being unrealistic and is way out of bounds. Whyso you ask?


Because Hubby's concern really ought to be what HE did to help create a marriage situation that you used to justify having an affair. It takes two to make a marriage and two to wreck it.


If hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: sillyme12000
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:58pm
This is your DH's test to see if you are comitted to your marriage and if you are still connected to your AP. Unfortunately for you it is a pass/fail test. What is more important to you, your marriage or the discomfort of your XOM and his unfaithful W? Only you can make the decision. I hope you chose wisely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: sillyme12000
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:12pm
Jackson,

yes, you're right. It is a test. And though I really don't want to do it, I've made the decision that if he still wants me to do it tomorrow, I'm going to do it. Yes, it's unreasonable on his part. Yes, I wish it could be different. But it isn't. He is far more important to me than OM or his W. She has fooled around on him several times. Why should I ignore my H's pain to spare her? I have no desire to cause her harm. At the same time, who knows if it even will. If she were some innocent person who has done nothing in this whole drama, I wouldn't do it, most likely. But she was having an affair with my friend, among several. That's how I met her. That's how I met him. Let them deal with it. I don't take it lightly. I certainly don't take my H's feelings lightly. Wish me luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: sillyme12000
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:29am
I do indeed wish you luck!