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|Mon, 08-26-2013 - 11:38pm|
I apologize ahead of time. I may ramble. I am hurting and I don't want to anymore. 6 1/2 years later and I'm still living a pipe dream. In love with a man who doesn't feel the same. Although everyday I wish he would tell me he loves me and can't live without me, it will never happen. It's amazing sex and that is all. After 6 1/2 years it still is. But I'm a fool; that's all it is. He uses me as a means to an end. I always come when he calls or I contact him.
Like tonight. We were both free. I reached out to him. Why? He's been ignoring me. Usual for him. I wanted his attention and I got it. Everything was wonderful as usual. We cuddled and watched tv. I don't think he expected me to notice him texting another girl. Yes he has a girlfriend. But after all these years I'm still not special and just another lay. I know I'm married. And I don't expect him not to have a life, but it hurt. It hurt for me to see that. Reality struck and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell him how much it hurt. I asked what he was going and he didn't answer. There is so little respect there, he didn't even answer.
I cried all the way home. Not for having to leave this time, but because I feel so stupid and used. I knew this wasn't love but lust. I thought I could do it, no feelings, just sex. I can't. I get too wrapped up and the feelings for him just get in the way. We have been doing this for a year this time and it's the longest. I want to walk away. I want to stop obsessing over him. I want to stop giving him more than he's ever given me. I want to stop being his doormat. I want to walk away. I have for some time now and have felt that I couldn't. Can or can't, I need to.
I keep telling myself he isn't anything special. He's a loser. A loser who likes to play games. Yet I run to him like he's the answer to all I've ever asked for. I feel so dumb. I told myself all the way home that I can't go back again. i know I have to learn self respect and build my confidence. I just don't know how. But I do know it won't happen with him in my life.