Help

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Help
10
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 11:38pm

I apologize ahead of time.  I may ramble.  I am hurting and I don't want to anymore. 6 1/2 years later and I'm still living a pipe dream.  In love with a man who doesn't feel the same.   Although everyday I wish he would tell me he loves me and can't live without me, it will never happen.  It's amazing sex and that is all.  After 6 1/2 years it still is.  But I'm a fool; that's all it is.  He uses me as a means to an end.  I always come when he calls or I contact him.  

Like tonight.  We were both free.  I reached out to him.  Why?  He's been ignoring me.  Usual for him.  I wanted his attention and I got it.  Everything was wonderful as usual.  We cuddled and watched tv.  I don't think he expected me to notice him texting another girl.  Yes he has a girlfriend.  But after all these years I'm still not special and just another lay.  I know I'm married.  And I don't expect him not to have a life, but it hurt.  It hurt for me to see that.  Reality struck and I couldn't say anything.  I couldn't tell him how much it hurt.  I asked what he was going and he didn't answer.  There is so little respect there, he didn't even answer.  

I cried all the way home.  Not for having to leave this time, but because I feel so stupid and used.  I knew this wasn't love but lust.  I thought I could do it, no feelings, just sex.  I can't.  I get too wrapped up and the feelings for him just get in the way.  We have been doing this for a year this time and it's the longest.  I want to walk away.  I want to stop obsessing over him.  I want to stop giving him more than he's ever given me.  I want to stop being his doormat.  I want to walk away.  I have for some time now and have felt that I couldn't.  Can or can't, I need to.

I keep telling myself he isn't anything special.  He's a loser.  A loser who likes to play games.  Yet I run to him like he's the answer to all I've ever asked for. I feel so dumb.  I told myself all the way home that I can't go back again.  i know I have to learn self respect and build my confidence. I just don't know how.  But I do know it won't happen with him in my life.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 11:36pm
Serenity, you are correct. I was never not will ever be his priority. That hurts to admit but it's true. Thank you.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 11:33pm
Thank you Clarity. You are correct, there is no respect all around. So I shouldn't be offended by any of AP's disrespect. I have none, so why should he. I set the tone when I disrespected my marriage.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: serenity1986
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 7:40pm

(((((Hugs))))))

You can do this!  You are a married woman.  You can do this!  You are his alternative, not his priority.  You can do this! 

When me and my now DH split up (I was tired of waiting for him to get D) I was going to put all over my house "He is married!"  to remind me why I asked him to move out of my home. 

You deserve to be someone priority! 

You can do this...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 5:36pm

When we disrespect ourselves and our vows, our marriage, our spouse, our children by engaging in an affair, others simply follow our lead...there are plenty of people out there willing to exploit our weakness. There's not much respect going on in an affair. The disrespect stops when we end the affair...when we can start respecting ourselves again. 

Keep on 'doing', Lostbutnotfound.  Keep moving forward and away.  

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 12:13pm
Clarity ~ he is that type of guy. He may eventually contact me, but I won't respond. The disrespect has to end. I have to find my empowerment and find pride in myself. And yes, a good therapist would help, because I know I have issues. But I had one before, and I don't believe it was the right one, and I didn't seem to get the help I need. But finding one shouldn't be a problem. No, that wasn't what happened. It was a messy dday on all ends. I didn't want anything to do with him for a while. Talk about a big blow up. Then after 3 years, I contacted him. Huge mistake, but no regrets. I'm tired of the tears. lol But I am focusing on myself and exercising and doing for me. What else can I do? I need to refocus and not think about him. Everytime I do, I try to banish the thoughts. It is hard and it's time. I just need to "do" instead of "think I want to". lol

 

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 11:11am

Morning

You should end it the way it suits you best, BUT (and you had to know that was coming) by making the declaration, any further contact from him reinforces to you his disregard and disrespect AND there's no chance of him calling every so often, when he's feeling needy, and wondering and saying, "where are you?" 'what's up with you?", "why aren't you calling"...he'll know why from the get-go and therefore will not interrupt your recovery...kwim?  Like I said, a short 'it's over for me...I will no longer being contacting you and do not contact me."  Okay, enough on that.  Oh, unless he's the kind of guy who will not contact you until you contact him, well then, a formal ending isn't necessary.  Is that what happened over that three-year period? You had had enough and went NC and he never bothered to reach out?

Anywho, I know it hurts.  The first days of NC are really hard, and I promise that with some time and distance things will get better.  This pain is a healing pain with an end in sight. Staying in the affair is a pain that is constant and here to stay for as long as you are willing to accept it.

Stay on course by coming here for support, reading in the Healing Library, if you have a friend to confide in, that's great, seek counseling, check out the baggagereclaim site too. 

Once you are through free falling from just the ending process alone, you can start replugging in to your reality and begin to address your whys...that's where a good therapist comes in handy :)

Keep posting in.  I'm around..in and out...all day. Oh, and drink plenty of water to replenish those tears, let them flow, exercise some and be sure to eat right.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 10:49am
Xxxs ~ I am trying to know thyself, and change scares me. I definitely don't want to be the same person I was, but I don't want to be too far from who I am.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 10:47am
Clarity ~ I am worn down, and yes, I have been here before. I can just end it with NC. I can't do the formal ending. I went 3 years without contacting him and I can do it again forever. It isn't just that I can't do the formal ending, it also doesn't matter. Not much but himself matters to him. A true narcistic ego there. And I don't feel like discussing anything any further with him at this point. Erase all that I can and move on. You are correct, I couldn't do the sex only thing, because I'm not wired like that. And he knows it. He plays with my emotions and he gets off on it. Sorry to be so point blank, but I need to put it all out there and realize that it isn't right. None of it is right. It has never been right from the beginning and we are in a viscious cycle. A cycle that always ends with me hurt and him moving on with whatever other chick he can find. But, day one of NC, here I am. I am quite numb. I cried myself to sleep last night, and I just feel void, like I cried it all out and am letting it go.

 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 2:09am

  Know thyself.  He is not doing anything to you.  It is you that has changed.  Many people can compartmentalize their lives.  It is human to have sexual desire for an excellent lover.  But you are not able to do that and have a sexual friendship.   It is no longer you.  Nothing wrong at all.  it just is.  There is no negative but a process of self discovery.  Now you understand something about yourself.  That is good.  You were not used.  You did nothing wrong. 

    You are a human being.  It is never negative to be human.  It seem it is time to conclude this chapter and move on to the next with out rancor.  It is not necessary to demean the experience to move on.

dragowoman

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: lostbutnotfound
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 1:26am

Hi Lostbutnot found

I'm sorry you are so upset.  I'm glad you knew enough to come here and even more glad I stopped by to take a quick peak before hitting the sack :)

Ya know, I don't know why we women think we can keep our emotions in check when we become so intimate with a man.  It takes a certain kind of woman who can do that...I have yet to meet one.  

And no matter how much we think we understand it is just sex and we pretend we are okay with that, we are usually not. And when it turns out to be just sex for them, well, we feel used...when they were just playing the game we set up.  And we can pretend we are all kinds of okey dokey with things, but we are only fooling ourselves.  And to me, that is what affairs are all about for women...pretending...pretending that we don't wish it were more...and so the internal fight begins and eventually wears us down.

You sound worn down, but now resolved to end it.  

Have you told him that you are through? It helps to make a formal ending so everyone is on the same page.  I know you understand the concept of NC and how that works to protect yourself from further involvement and pain...I know you know this because I recognize your name ;)

So, I guess first things first.  If you can keep your conversation short and sweet.  No long drawn out, tearful goodbye.  A simple 'I'm ending this relationship because I want to work on my marriage" is good.  There's no wiggleroom...he can't argue with it.  And you want to leave him with the idea that you are a woman of your word.  And we always want to end things with grace and dignity.  No yelling, no crying, no more talking about how they are not coming through.  No nothin'.  I'm sure you've already said it all.

Can you do that?  And the sooner the better? It'll make you feel better taking the bull by the horns and you will feel empowered by being the one to end it...and then you're healing can begin.  Believe me...when we are the ones to end it, it makes ending easier...easier in the sense that we don't have to deal with the rejection factor, which is a HUGE hurdle to overcome.  I've seen people end their affair, feel empowered...fall back in, get dumped and spend too much time kicking themselves for not sticking to their guns the first time.  I know I might be harping on this, but it is important to remember.  BE THE ENDER.

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board