help after being pregnant with his baby

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
help after being pregnant with his baby
7
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 2:14pm
Help! I had an affair with a married man and ended up pregnant. After three very painful weeks of reflection, I made the decision to terminate. When I told the MM, he was, of course, OK with my decision, but he was just not there for me at all emotionally. I really needed a friend since I didn't have anyone to talk to and he just couldn't handle it at all. Our "relationship" was, I thought, pretty much based on friendship (we only had sex one time!) Losing that, losing him, is what is breaking my heart now. I miss my friend. Waking up to the painful reality that we really didn't have the bond I thought we had is just killing me inside. I know this is over but I don't know how to let it go. Even though I am OK with my decision to terminate, it is still something I am grieving, because I am 30 with no kids but hope to have some in the future. Honestly though, I am not sure what is worse, grieving the abortion or grieving the loss of my friend. Am I so stupid to have believed he was my friend? He hasn't called me at all to check on me and even find out if I had the abortion. Doesn't he care at all? How do I let him go?

Also, I am not married, and I feel horrible being the "other woman." I know there are others out there who have had affairs with married men but I just can't stop condemning myself for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:07pm
real~

I don't have much time..but I just wanted to give you gentle hugs! I'm so sorry about your loss on both fronts--the abortion and your MM. It is hard, it is painful--we ALL know what this is like.

Be gentle with yourself. Stop condemning yourself--God does not judge you and neither do we---so stop judging yourself. We all make mistakes in our life...some big, some small. Instead of viewing them as mistakes, view them as huge opportunities for growth.

You viewed MM as a friend, because that's what you thought at the time. But now he has shown his colors. Because you trusted that he was showing you the real side is NOT a character flaw in you...to me, its an asset that you are a loving, trusting woman. He CAN'T take that or CHANGE that about you. Sometimes, though, we only see what we want to see. And boy does it suck when we take the glasses off.

Big hugs....read and post often

dharma

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 8:36pm
Dharma-

Thanks so much for your reply. Your support and hugs help alot. Your right - it's all about learning. I guess we all make mistakes. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and already feel a lot of relief. Being alone with this is what is so painful. This board really helps and I'm glad I found it.

Much love to everyone struggling. Please remember you are not alone.

Real

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:31pm
Dear Real,

I'm echoing Dharma's hugs and support. You've gone through a lot lately and it's hard.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Talking to a therapist is a very good idea. You need a sounding board at a time like this. Don't worry about being right or wrong in your sessions, just be honest. The answers will come.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:24pm
Hi

I was in a similar situation about a month ago. I swore I could not get pregnant, and I did. I am married but knew for sure it was the OMM. I made the decision before I even told OMM that I was pregnant. He agreed as I knew he would have. We too were friends first. He was not so supportive in the beginning. I then told him if we were friends I need you as a friend right now. The one thing that struck me from your post is "mistake". That's exactly how I felt and said just that to the doctor. I makde a mistake. Everyone make mistakes. Do not beat yourself up over it. Learn from it and move on. He came around and took the to the doctor for the procedure even though his son had a big game that night. It made me feel a little better. I terminated about 3 weeks ago and do not regret it at all. We have cooled down a lot and returned to being "friends". Which I am ok with really.

Hopefully he will come around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 1:42pm
real-

ime so sorry for the loss u r going thru right now...both for the abortion and the thought of losing someone who u considered a friend. When i thought i was pregnant during my A and i mentioned it to him, the first thing to come out of his mouth was about terminating the pregnancy (this after talking to me about having children together),and it broke my heart. Thankfully for me, i was not pregnant. But i learned that if i was to become pregnant from him, that i would be alone and have to have the child by myself, which was a decision that i was prepared to handle after going thru that situation.

I think the pregnancy brought reality to the situation in which u 2 were involved and that probably scared him (men don't handle women becoming pregnant well anyhow). I'm not making excuses for him but men just handle things differently than women do. If at all possible, try to find a chance to talk with him about this to let him know that if he ever considered you his friend, then that was a big let down on his part when u needed him the most because he wasn't there for you and that hurt you alot. Good luck with the therapy, that will probably help you deal with the loss tremendously in ur situation. Because when u have an affair, u can't talk to anyone about it since it's such a taboo in society even though from this board we all see it happens more than we ever thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:01pm
I agree with the others that you should see a therapist to help with the grief. Something very similiar happened to me many years ago before I was married and had children. I terminated a pregnancy and although I did grieve some at the time, my remorse weighs much heavier on me now. I think I was so caught up in the man - that when he told me he thought it best to terminate - I did. I have extreme guilt and sadness at times - even after fifteen years. I have two children now and often think about the one I didn't have - that there should be a third. The guilt comes from the fact that I felt like I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and my baby. I don't mean to bring you down, but I am afraid that your grief and guilt will only get worse over time - especially once you have more children - that's when it really hit me hard! I know God has forgiven me because I am truly remorseful and have asked His forgiveness - the problem is forgiving myself!

My heart goes out to you - I understand your pain.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 7:10pm
It's so great to hear that other people have been in similar situations. Not being able to talk about this with anyone is really tough. I finally "gave in" and talked to MM and told him how hurt I was that he wasn't there for me because at the very least I thought we were friends. He was very apologetic and admittted he really messed up, he just didn't know how to handle it and was afraid of "saying somthing crass." Anyway, now we are back on speaking terms and agreed to be friends. Of course I am aware that I could be setting myself up but I really need a friend right now and I think he is a good person. Hopefully we will navigate this road safely and I will know enought to jump ship if my feelings start to get out of control. I went to therapy and it helped tremendously. I think that although making the decision to terminate my pregnancy was difficult, I spent a great deal of time making sure the decision was truly mine. All my love to everyone who is dealing with these issues. We are all going to be OK. You might not be on the path that you thought you would be on or want to be on but as long as you keep moving, you will find your way.

-Real

"I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them"