To help Daf, I need you to understand h!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
To help Daf, I need you to understand h!
6
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:43am

My first statement is for Daf and to let you know that I do want to help and I know you hurt, so please understand that my intention is not to make you feel worse, but hopefully thru my eyes as a BS you and everyone else here will benefit from my perspective of your saga and the details that might have been overlooked. After reading several post from others who were becoming lets say frustrated (nicer word)with the actions of your H, I realized that this could very easily do more damage because judgements and opinions regarding his reaction were being made with just the information provided by one side of this whole story. The details you find important will be much different than the details that your H finds important. Yours are right and his are right. I just want everyone to know that its very important that you be aware that there is always more to the story that may go untold.

I did some digging in archives regarding Daf saga, and I truely believe that everyone should go and read her message board response that I found on Supporting My Affair, and also go all the way back to when she first came to this board and read her comments. I will even say to you Daf that you really need to print each one of these out from both boards and give them to your marriage counselor. This will help her so much in how to help heal your H. When I read all this I began to really understand the reaction of your H. I put in a search at the Support My Affair site the word daf and thats it. I got 21 found messages written from about july till the beginning of october. Keep in mind that H discoverd the truth by gaining access to her computer, show her an email that she sent to OM. So quite possible that he read your comments that you wrote on the My Affair message board. When your H responded back to you that your only staying because of the material and security of lifestyle, he is really telling the truth because that is indicated by a response that says I not ready to leave my marriage yet because of DD (notice not because of H), and as stated "your own selfish reasons". You make a comment that if it were not for the kids you would have been willing to leave H for OM. The Affair ended because H discoverd and confronted you is somewhat correct, but what really ended the affair was OM jump ship as soon as you called him to let him know that your H had discovered the affair. He told his friend it was your problem to deal with not his. If his reaction would have been different it is quit reasonable to believe that this whole saga would be so different. This was an affair that went on for over 1 1/2 year , when confronted by H early on regarding OM per your response to someone else on how not to get caught you stuck with deny, deny, deny, and when your H reach out for you and told you that he felt your distance, how you no longer would kiss him goodbye in the am, and you didn't want him cuddling with you, and approaching you for intimacy was often rebuffed or greeted with a less than enthusiastic response. He shared with you that you no longer wanted to spend time with him, you volunteered at the school, or stayed later at work, or did things with the kids to avoid spending time with H. You commented that when he made these statements, that you responded by putting the blame for these things right back on him, as you stated use deflection as another way to keep from getting caught. Then we come to the Ending Affair board where in the beginning your H kept asking for reassurance that you really wanted to be their with him. Your response was If I did not want to be here I would not be here. He asked how does he know that you want leave him 6 months from now, your response was there can be no gurantees. Then you made the comment that in reallity you did not want to be there. I saw in one post where you would be spending 1 week with your H on vaction and your response was UGH, "I dread spending a week alone with H" this was Oct 8 2004. I am sure your H was able to read these vibes because he has been very good at it since the affair began. So many have responded to your post that H needs to be willing to see this as a MISTAKE. I am sorry but the word mistake does not apply here. This was a 1 1/2 year affair where Daf used planning, manipulation, and lies so the affair could continue. The word mistake or statement that hey you made a mistake seems to devalue these acts. This is the very reason that he is ready to walk, he see that he has been chosen because of default. The OM quit, you began wanting to work on the marriage because of the children yet no mention of doing this because you love H. His statement of your staying because of lifestyle and the kids is true Daf. Show the couselor the printouts from this board I think she will agree. Your counselor said that you would have to address your H question of WHY? Well, I am not sure how you responded and I hope is was not a deflection back at H. Your H has read probably every email, and every post so to be honest what he is seeing is you saying to him one thing but feeling another. I know that right now your H is hurting you with the neighbor and I will not commit on that. For your marriage to have any chance you need to give the counselor these docuements, do not assume you can just tell them about the things you wrote...it will get lost in translation. She needs to read this and understand that H has probably read all this things and its what he is using as his compass on finding the direction of your marriage. Daf, I know that my statements are very painful, but I really feel these pieces of the puzzles which had been missing are really the only true way to help you and H during this time. On writing this I tried to play the role of your H and what his perspective might be based upon the knowledge that I had before me. Please understand that, and know that I am not trying to judge you...just trying to help. When little children come to my office the only thing they want to know is are they going to get a shot. I try to explain that without that pain they will never heal and thus there will be even more pain and hurt that is harder to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:57am

Tell me something, you decided to post this here instead of emailing her because....???
I tested her email set up and guess what? Enough said!

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:12am

ID

He may have posted these things because people were giving her advice that was not based on the facts, advice that with the real potential to de-rail her efforts to save her marriage, informed advice is better for Daf then knee jerk reaction type advice, I had done some of the same searching and based on that I would not and will not paint Daf as a victim because it will not help her to accomplish her desire to save her marriage.

The text meassages and phone calls are giving Daf a little taste of what her husband went through for 18 months, as hard as it is it will give her a new prespective on this whole situation and he husbands feelings and attitudes, and that knowledge will help her a lot I believe.

So go ahead bash away.

JMNSHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:51am

Doing personal research on the past postings of someone here and laying them out like a Statement of Facts in a legal brief...well, that's just wrong. I said and thought alot of things during my A and now I cannot explain what the heck was going on in my head. But I would be mortified and hurt if anyone laid out my contradictory postings for this community to see and evaluate. If you want to believe that Daf has inaccurately painted herself a victim in this "saga" which, by the way, is her real life, couldn't you just have made that observation privately??? You are a lurker here, aren't you????? And you are a betrayed spouse, aren't you???? What made you remotely think that your re-creation of her personal history here was going to help Daf and not make her feel worse?????

Honesty without kindness isn't honesty at all. If you really needed Daf to hear you out on this, think about how kind it was to post this publicly rather than by e-mail or on the All Sides board.

One more thing, it frightens me to think that you have so much time on your hands that you'd actually go wading thru archives to locate 21 messages she posted.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 10:04am

<<<>>>

I have to agree with Momesq on this. I KNOW I did and said ALOT of things during my A that I look back on now and think "What the hell???" Unfortunatley, when you are in the midst of the A, the only person you care about is yourself. We all know that. It's in the aftermath when things become clear and you realize all the people around you you have hurt (even if they don't know it). Someone once told me that being in an A is like being in a fog - SO TRUE!!

I'm sure you only want to help DAF - I would hope that would be the reason you would search through her past posts and post here yourself, but she is truly hurting right now and trying to save her marriage. Maybe there was a more 'constructive' you could have approached the situation.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 1:43pm

MOE,

I do value your opinion and you have given me advice before that was very useful. I understand that you probably pulled all my old posts for the Affair Support board in hopes of getting all the history, trust me I remember everything that is there and I won't deny things and feelings that were put out on that board. You must also remember that you are a BS and not the one that was living daily in an A. When people in an A post on that board it is to vent, get support and yes sometimes even celebrate things happening in their A. At the point in time that we are on that board we are being very selfish and everything was about ourselves. I could have given you a hundred reasons for anything that I did at that time and all would have pointed to "poor me", I see that now, but didn't then. If you searched and only read my entries I am afraid you did not get the entire picture because as on this board, there are debates, suggestions and different perspectives of different A's, thus you only got a partial picture. I have told my M counselor everything that I feel is pertinent to the A as well as H giving his perspective. I have been 100% honest with her. I also live daily with the knowledge of what I have done.

You are incorrect in that H never has seen any emails between OM and I but emails between me and other people that I correspond with. Again H only saw parts of conversations and he filled in the blanks as he wished. He confronted me and I told all, I didn't deny and answered all of his questions. H also never checked the support boards and when I asked him if he wanted to see anything from them he said NO. I did probably state that I wasn't leaving for the kids, again you can't possibly understand the nature of an A because you haven't been in one, it is all selfish. I know how I feel and have no doubt in my mind that I wasn't only staying for the kids but because I have a deep love of my H. Of course at the time if I had admitted that to myself I wouldn't have been in an A, now would I? Yes I dreaded a week alone with my H (turns out I was right) and now in light of the facts I am sure H dreaded it also. This is one big mess that H and I have gotten ourselves into and right now we are headed down the path that another big mistake is going to happen between H and the neighbor. Being in the position I am now, I can feel the pain I put H thru and am beginning to understand the pain and destruction I caused. You also have wrong that H was chosen by default. That is not how it happened at all, I still could have made the choice to go and H could have left. But xOM and I had discussed many times about me leaving and xOM told me he knew that I would never leave my family that they would always come first with me. When that entire conversation happened on 9/10 xOM ended telling me to go and fix my home. I did what H wanted erased xOM from my life because I wanted to be with H.

I have not deflected any blame towards H and that is what the M counselor is worried about, I am taking all the blame. The M counselor has told us both that the A was a symptom of problems already existing in our M. I have answered H's question of WHY and in front of the counselor he has said that they are all excuses to him. He will not accept any of my feelings as valid reasons for where the breakdown came in our R and why I was in the A. I have accepted my part of the blame and it is something I have to live with everyday of my life, but now to move on H has to be honest with his feelings, which the counselor doesn't think he is doing. Now all of that is compounded because of the situation with the neighbor. Time will tell what happens.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 1:59pm

ID, Thanks for your concern, Moe was just trying to help in his own way and please remember he is a BS so he has a different perspective then we do.

Free, As always your honesty is something I value, along with all of your advice, suggestions, and all the pushes you have sent my way. Already knowing of what H and the neighbor are doing, and H acting exactly like I have done and doing everything he hated me to do is opening my eyes to just how much I hurt him. I talked to my couselor this morning about what I found and she wants me to bring it all up at the joint session on Monday and not before. She says it has to be handled in a controlled situation or things will turn ugly fast. I have to say I totally agree with her on that one. I am just so sick of the lies, the dishonesty, the sneaking and I know without honesty from both of us we can't move forward. Problem being H thinks he is being honest.

Mom and Diva, Thanks for the support, its like you are a totally different person when you are in an A and I think you all would agree looking back the person you had become wasn't someone you liked. Things were done and said that looking back you can't even believe you did.

Thanks everyone, please don't go to hard on Moe, I think being a BS he only had in mind to try and help me understand some things that might be going on with my H. I believe he had good intentions even if he went about it in a way some people don't like.

DAF