Help - day 3
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| Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:32am |
I felt like I was doing so well the past 2 days, now it's Monday morning and I am at work and I feel like I'm going to fall apart shortly. It's hard because I own my own business and have only 1 employee (who thankfully is gone today in case I need to) so it's very quiet here. My office is where 95% of our relationship took place also. The big part of what I wanted from him was to be a part of my work - to have that best friend to share everything with. EX wasn't a "business" man so he couldn't really support me in the way I wanted and needed. AP is very prominent and successful and that is part of what I was drawn to in the beginning. It's also dreary here and all I keep picturing is him at the beach. The icing on the cake is that I have to have my cell on all day now too, for business and my kids. It was easier to have it off - to be able think that maybe he's tried to call. With it on, I'll know that he hasn't. And I know that's what I should WANT but it's so very hard.
I've read through all my healing library stuff this morning. I'll re-read it and try to remind myself he's not Mr. Wonderful. I'm doing everything I can to heal. I've even reached out to a couple girlfriends (who know nothing about my 7 1/2 year predicament) for lunch, yoga and golf this week.
Any comments would be appreciated!
Bodhi

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Hi Bodhi-
Hang in there. 3 days is HUGE, but it so very early and you are going to deal with a lot of these days. I remember these days. And they do pass. But you have to go through them. So, I'd suggest downloading some happy
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jane. I'm glad to know there is something about Day 3 and it's not just me. I'll take a look at the blogs - thank you so much. I've got music on, I turned my lights up a little too, to make it a little brighter on this rainy day. I've also lit some candles and will breathe and take it one minute at a time.
I wish there was a fast forward button that I could push to get myself to the happy finish line.
Bodhi
Hi Bodhi,
Hang in there.
Babysteps
...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.
NC/LC since May 21, 2010
Hooray for Day 3...one day at a time.
If you find yourself wavering, just think about something you mentioned in your post. And that is that you have been with this clown for 7.5 years, yet your girlfriends know nothing about him. You are his dirty, little secret. For 7.5 years! Isn't it time you stepped out of the dark of this relationship?
Babysteps -
Thank you for the tough questions. I haven't blocked him because it wouldn't really matter. He calls my house and my office if he doesn't get me on my cell. He hasn't tried to contact me at all since Friday night, so that's a good thing.
You're not off-base asking if NC was because of the vacation. I would say that the vacation was just the final straw. I have been told that he was going to "take care of things" for EVER. Things have been bad between us for a long time now. I've been through 6 graduations and 2 marriages of his kids. Youngest child graduated (from college!) a few weeks ago. MM has been completely stressed at work for a long time too. I've been harping on him to change his life, let me help, blah blah. Monday of last week he called me in the morning as he always did, then didn't call at all the rest of the day. When we finally talked I could tell he was overloaded. I begged him again to talk to his W, that I was worried about him and his health and his stress. He came to my office Tuesday and we were intimate. As always, I thought we were on the right track and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Wednesday was fine - we talked off and on all day. I knew had a meeting all morning Thursday, so toward the end of the day Wed, I asked what he had after the meeting. That's when he dropped the bomb that he "was playing golf and then wouldn't be back in the office until the first week of July". OH. He "needed to get the hell out of here" OK. He said they were going to see his family for a week and then he would just be home the second week and that under the current circumstances, it was all he could do. (hmmm, ya could leave your wife...) I felt like a total fool and even told him that - for saying that I was worried about his stress and that he obviously had already made plans to take care of that.
He of course said that the little trip didn't change anything to which I said, yes, it does. I told him everything would be different now and that it was clear that all he is capable of is an affair and nothing more. So Friday I turned off my cell and when he tried my house and I didn't answer (my kids and I were gone) he left his "You must already be out" message, basically accusing me of going out.
I've been down the "cutting off contact for a response" road too. NOTHING will make this man do what he doesn't want to do. He's extremely strong. It's different for me this time. I think (hope) I'm finally ready to get off the crazy train. I'm using this week to gather my strength and determination and self worth. I'm hoping with all that I am that I can handle his return. I'm wondering if I should skip town with a couple girlfriends for the first part of the week! But I know I can't run forever. He works right now the street. His company is my client (thankfully I don't really have to have anything to do with him though) He's not going anywhere, so I have to suck it up. Living well is the best revenge, right? I do want to get well. :)
Any and all help with that here is so appreciated. Thanks again Babysteps.
Bodhi
Sillyme -
Yes it is time - I want out of the darkness. I have the type of personality that wants things done right away - so it's hard be patient (which is why I do yoga!) I need to remind myself that it took me 7.5 years to get here, I can't expect to be healed in a week. I just hope that he is struggling 1/100th as much as I am.
Bodhi
Bodhi...
7.5 years is a HELL of a long time to be patient. Ridiculously long. Think of all of the major events that have taken place during this time to give you a visual of how long that is when you're feeling weak. You're absolutely right when you say you can't heal in a week. Or a month. Or maybe even six months. But you WILL heal. If you let yourself. I know that sounds incredibly simplistic, but it really is true. You are the one in charge of all of it. Today...right here and right now...can be the start of a new life for you. A life without sneaking around, hiding, office conjugal visits, lies, excuses, alibis, disappointments, "rain checks", lonely holidays, lonely birthdays, lonely weekends, broken promises, lies to your friends, lies to your family, lies to your children, covering up, making up, being dissed by not being included, always having to be the good sport, the understanding one, the patient one, being accused of "cheating" when your lover goes home and sleeps with (and has sex with, make no mistake about that) his wife, and so on and so forth. The list could go on and on. In fact, there's an idea! Why not sit down and make a list of all of the things that will change for you when you no longer have this affair in your life.
As for his struggling....well, I hate to say it, but, no, he is not struggling. He's enjoying his vacation with his family. You're supposed to be keeping the home fires burning while he's on his little holiday. Sure hope you see the injustice and ridiculousness of this fact. Stay strong~!
I completely agree. It really hits me when I look at photos of my kids from 2003 and photos now. Yesterday was MUCH better than Monday. I have about 20 pages of posts and things from the Healing Library that I've printed and keep reading over and over. There are now thoughts and notes all over the pages. I'm really seeing how unhealthy we had become. As Iddy said, if he did leave, would I even want this "prize"?
I do want a life in the open. I have the tendency to think (as everyone), "my MM is different", so some of your words stung. Thank you - I needed to hear them. I'm sure he IS enjoying his vacation.
Well, I ENJOYED wine on my porch with a couple girlfriends last night.
Beginning of Day 5 - breathing and keeping my head in reality.
Bodhi
Day 5, day 5! Good for you! That's awesome. But please remember, the real work has not even begun. This is all prep work, and you're doing a great job at it. Bone up on what you need to do to end this. Because the real work starts when he comes back. Obviously, it's much easier to have no contact when he's out of town. So now is the time to prepare yourself.
One thing to note...you say in your post that you're seeing how unhealthy you've become. I can say that, really, you were unhealthy from the start, because affairs are just unhealthy, period.
I know how easy it is to think, "my MM is different", like you said. But the truth is, most affairs are all the same, and most MM as well. Your MM may be a perfectly sweet man when he wants to be, but that still doesn't change that the relationship is an affair. Therefore, his behaviors are much the same. I'm sure he cares for you. You don't see someone for 7.5 years if you don't care about them. But even though he cares for you, the reality is that he is perfectly willing to keep you his dirty little secret, to have multiplicitous relationships. He expects you to give up your life in order to be with him. To be at his beck and call. To not see other people. The list goes on ad nauseum. Meanwhile, nothing is changed for him. Hell, he's not even inconvenienced. That's the thing that really got me when my affair ended for good. I was angry for a long time, because I, like you, gave up my marriage, my home, my life by being involved with him. But his life barely suffered a ripple. I didn't leave for him, like it sounds like you did, but the effects on my marriage from me having an affair certainly damaged it enough for me to leave. It wasn't all me, but I certainly contributed and wish I hadn't. Things just went on in his life as usual and still do, 5 years later. Yes, I was angry. But I have to say that now I am SO GLAD. In all honesty, I don't know how seriously I ever took my relationship with him. Meaning I wasn't going to marry him or anything. But I did care about him and believed he cared for me, but in the end, he threw me under the bus just like others talk about.
This can really be the start of something new for you. You don't have to be his plaything up on the shelf, where he takes you down when he desires and then puts you back up there. You deserve to have a legitimate, real relationship in the real world. You ended your marriage, you can end this, too. No legal proceedings, no property division, just walk away. You will flourish, I assure you.
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Exactly what I'm preparing for. I'm not fooling myself in any way that I might implode when I see his car for the first time again.
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VERY, very good point.
And you absolutely nailed it by saying my life has changed completely and his has barely had a ripple. I did leave for him, but it would have happened at some point regardless. I was never really happy with my H. So I have to look at it as a gift - as you said, the start of something new.
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I sure hope so!!! Thank you Sillyme -
Bodhi
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