Help! I can't make a decision
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 5:42pm |
Okay, I need help making a decision... by tomorrow morning..
I had several EMA, at different times with the last one ending Feb. 2004. My DH knows about most of them and we have been working on our M. I have had a hard time getting MM off my mind and have recently felt like I may not even be physically attracted to my DH. I wanted to see MM from a distance to see how I feel and help me diferentiate between the attractions. I am confused. I plan to work on my M through a specific period of time at which then I will make a decision.
So this week I was contacted by a former OM. He wants to see me before we both fly out of town. He lives in another state, luckily. I have always been attracted to him and haven't seen him in years. We only ended it because it was found out.
My choice is to have him pick me up to go spend 2 hours before the airport or just go to the airport on my own and we will probably run into eachother. The former choice I would tell my DH about. So I don't know what to do??? The reason I want to see him is to see how I feel about the whole attraction thing. All of my EMA have been with opposites of my DH. I do not plan on anything physical and want to stay in public places only.
Help!@!!!!!
happy chaser

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Happy
You seem to be ignoring WHY this guy wants to see you, lets get real it is not for a platonic visit he is more then likely looking for a booty call.
What with your history you need to be staying away from this guy and ALL past AP, you don't judge your relationship with your husband on how horny another man makes you....attractions are often not to do with the attributes of the person but more on something in US seeing something in the AP that we think we need to medicate our selves.
Sometimes we do the things we do because of us not our spouses or marriages, bailing on the marriage does not mean that you will not take the problem with you into any future relationships, stay put identify/ quantify/ define the problem and start fixing it.
The long and the short of it is NO you should not see this man and the idea that you will see him at the airport is less then likely unless it is a small airport, but if you do run into him there at least there is less oportunity to do something your going to end up regreting in the end.
DEAL WITH YOUR MARRIAGE ON ITS OWN MERITS ONLY.
Nice to see you again after all this time and that you have come a long way dispite your question, you would never have asked it in the past you would have just ran off to meet him. By the way is this the same chicken sh$t that blamed it all on you when he got caught (seems I remember he painted the picture to look like he was this poor man caught up in your evil female charms).
Free
Edited 5/20/2005 12:16 am ET ET by mfreenow
Thank you both for your replies. I have decided not to see him. I never had the inclination to see him in a private place so that would've been safer.
This is not the same person who blamed it all on me. His intentions as he as described them was to just catch up as friends in a public place, no hanky panky.
But that is neither here nor there because I won't be seeing him.
ps. The growth can be attributed to time and a very good psychiatrist I have been seeing for 14 months. She has helped me realize why I did what I did and how I can change it. I saw her this week. I have learned to love myself more and that's the best part. I make better decisions because I want better for my life.
off to vacation!
happychaser
Happy
I am glad to both that you made the decison not to see him and that you took the steps you did in getting help....I remember enough to know that you sound vastly better.
It is easier to treat yourself better when you like you.
Enjoy your vacation
Free
Ive read through this original post 3 times.
I have no idea why you think seeing (one of your as you've said you've had many) former AP's is going to accomplish in regards to if you are attracted to your husband or not.
You could parade 1000 men in front of you, you'd be attracted to many. You've admitted (bravely) that Your affair wasn't about meeting one particular man who blew you away in your life because its been more than one.
Seeing a former AP.....
What does this have to do with how YOU feel about your HUSBAND?
Get it?
Lizzie
I understand your point of view and thank you for that. One MM did blow me away and I considered leaving my DH for him. He is the one I really want to see. My reason is that I feel like the feelings I have for XMM are too strong for how long it has been since it ended, 15 months. I feel like those feelings are never going to go away and that bothers me in my future relationship with DH. It effects my M. That is my reason, I want to see him and feel nothing or at least not have the feelings so intensely(I'm not talking about lust or attraction). This will tell me they will eventually fade, which they are not right now.
Does that make more sense? Just because there have been more than one EMA doesn't mean i didn't have real feelings for my XMM. Each EMA was for a different reason and had different levels of feelings.
As far as my level of attraction to my DH, I am trying to work that out. How attracted should I be to my DH?
Happy
I know this was directed toward Lizzie but I am going to briefly stick my nose in here.
Attraction to any long term mate is going to change over time, the relationship over the years will change from one of attration to one witha deeper connection.
It is a safe bet that any new relationship is going to be exciting and have more intense up front feelings, but in time that relationship will change and follow predictable patterns, in time you may even forget how intense those new relationship feels were and when you meet somebody new that attracts you you may even believe that you have never felt this way before ETC...
A mature relationship between to mature people is different then a new relationship full of infatuation (new meaning 2- 3 years old 24/7 type real world relationship, affairs can drag that infatuation phase out longer), but a mature relationship can run much deeper and has a lot more to offer you in the long term.
JMHO
Free
Thanks a lot for butting in. I appreciate your input and agree with you. I do feel that at some level if you are in a long term relationship you still want to be intimate and naked with that mate, that is the kind of attraction I am looking for with DH. Not the infatuation type. Don't I deserve both that deep connection AND the wanting to make love feelings?
Have a great day!
happy
Happy
>"Don't I deserve both that deep connection AND the wanting to make love feelings?"<
I am not sure how to measure what we deserve in life other then to say that we deserve out of a relationship what we put into it.....a happy emotionaly and physically satisfying marriage does not just happen it takes deliberate effort on the part of both spouses....this idea may not sound very romantic but it is the truth and I know it is possible.
Be well
Free
Happy,
I have read your thread here and I hope maybe I can add something helpful to your questions regarding your relationship with your DH. I was married 24 years when the intimate part of my A began. I had worked with and been emotionally close to the now SMM for many years also before we actually began the physical a. I realized very quickly that although I had deep feelings for my ap, what I really wanted was to have some of the excitement and fun I was having with the Ap in my marriage.
My point here is that my marriage was needing some work and my DH and I had both gotten very complacent and yes, lazy with our marriage. You are several steps ahead already by seeking professional counseling to understand yourself and like yourself. Excellent.
I dug down deep and did lots of self evaluation and even during the year the A began, I started trying to work hard on my marriage. I told my DH I was having some issues and that needed his help really badly. He never asked exactly what those issues were, but I think deep down he knew I was being tempted into an A. I thank God he never knew the whole extent of it. He is a good man and has good strong family values and evidently loves me more than I realized because he listened to me and has tried (with success), to do his part to get back the fun and excitement and enjoyment of one another that we once had and that I had turned to my XMM to find.
I kept my requests and complaints about our sluggish marriage very simple at first, addressing such things as I would like it if he called me at work occasionally during the day. Yes, this was an issue. He is a work-aholic and once at work, his mind is totally devoted to it, and I make a point of calling him also. Now, each day, one of the other calls jsut to say hi and i'm thinking of you. I especially make a point to call him if we have had a particularly fun evening before. I can tell that he likes this and he calls me often too. These calls served two purposes. It showed me that he was taking me seriously and it also let XMM whom I still worked with know that my DH was definitely in the picture.
The phone calls are only a small thing that we changed. We are both trying harder and over the past three years, our marriage has improved 100 per cent. It does take effort, thinking of the other person's needs and feelings and lots of communication between the two of you. It is worth it, I promise. We make a point to have special nights together. Usually, I plan those evenings, but he enjoys them and I reap the reward I was needing, that being more affection and intimacy. He plans more of the bigger things we enjoy together such as nice vacations. I also make a point to appreciate the everyday things he does and I let him know that I value him and it is surprising how he recripricates. I also enlisted the help of his two sisters whom he is very close to in my efforts. I did not, of course, tell them about the A, but I did let them know our marriage was suffering due to neglect and they have been very supportive to me and with my Dh also. They are a bit older and have been there with good advice and with a listening ear for us both. Do you have any family members who could perhaps help in this way?
I compltely ended the A about 10 months ago, but had been actily trying to end it for about a year before that. I cared deeply about my XMM because I had known him for so many years and we had experienced lots of life's ups and downs together through work, but I knew I wanted my marriage more than I ever wanted XMM. He was just filling a void that had been created in my marriage by our neglect over the years. I am grateful every day that my DH cared enough to listen and take seriouly my talks with him. There was lots of talk and lots of tears that first year of the A. I think DH thought I was crazy. Well, I guess I kind of was. Very confused and unhappy and trying so hard to find my way back to what had once been a good and satisfying marriage.
I don't mean to sound as if my marriage is the total ideal situation. We continue to have issues to cope with and we work gradually toward keeping this marriage healthy and it is healthier than it has been in a very long time. The intimate aspect is better (we needed some work in that area also), and we both have listened to one another and it's great now. The sex with the XMM was overwhelming fantastic at first becuase it was new and exciting and those chemicals were flowing through both of us, but I could tell that it began to calm down after a few months. Making love with my DH is absolutely the best though. We have that connection and intimacy you speak of, but we have worked to achieve it. It has not been a dreadful type of work, but has been an effort that has kind of been exciting and has definitely been fullfilling.
I missed XMM a lot at first, mostly because we had been (friends) for so long and could laugh and talk so easily together, but I don't miss his manipulation of my emotions for his own gain and I know I spent lots of time worrying over him that I could have spent improving myself and my marriage and my life. I think if you can spend time concentrating on ways to help your marriage and inhance your relationship with your DH, it will help you let go of your emotional attachment to your XMM. Focus on the marriage.
Sorry to go on at such length about my own situation, but it worked for me and I want it to work for you if possible. What is your DH like. How is he with you? Does he listen to you? I hope some of al this I have written here can help you and your DH. The healing from our emotions for our xMMs takes time, I am still in that process, but it can happen. It will get better.
Hang in there and be strong. Let any of us here help you in any way we can. I am extremely grateful to many on this board for their advice and support through these past months.
Keep posting.
IP
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