Help, I don't want to cave.
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Help, I don't want to cave.
| Wed, 05-18-2011 - 2:01am |
Well I thought I was doing ok with not wanting to contact xap due to the stuff going on with my son at the moment. But I have to write my life story as part of my therapy and the dark crappy childhood part was hard enough but when I got to the teenage part, which xap is a part of, the pain hit me at full force and I just have this overwhelming desire to ring him. But I haven't, so here I am instead. I am only in my first week of no contact so please give me any advice to get through this. I need to write out this life story but how do I do this without reliving the emotions.

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Just want to say, I'm here - desperatly trying to hold onto the reason why I wan't out of this A. Woke up this morning hoping it was all a bad dream, its real, and I'm holding on to this group as tightly as I can - its all we have right now until we are stronger.
I'm thinking of you - resist the tempation - I'm here ALL DAY if you need support :-)
Thankyou WGO. I am sorry you are also going through this.
I have just gotten off the phone to a friend who rang just at the right time. He was quite blunt in a gentle way and asked me if I want to contact xap to escape the pain or because I genuinely miss him. Talking it through made me realise it is mainly the pain I want to escape, the pain of everything that is going on at the moment. But as he pointed out, it would be a quick release followed by guilt and more pain. He said instead of trying to escape it I am just going to have to face it head on and ride the waves.
So I hope that helps you too! I am going to do some journalling and write down some of the tips from the healing library that I can keep on hand. I am through with this A and am through with hurting my family, so I am going to ride this one out today and again tomorrow and the day after. But it is so nice having people alongside me to help me, so thankyou. I will also check on and off the site for the rest of the day. I am not sure where you are but here in Australia it is late afternoon.
Take care :)
I'm glad to hear you have someone to talk to! That must be a huge help.
And he was right, It would be a quick release of the pain, and then it would come back two fold afterwards. I know if I heard from my xAP I would feel like he missed me, but I know his reasons would be selfish, not in my GOOD interest.
The fact that he is leaving me alone is helping so much, because right now its just so hard and painfull. At least he's showing me respect for the first time in 2 years.
5 DAYS NC..... never thought I could even make it this far.
Do this - instead of giving into the emotional part of how you met xAP and subsequently how you ended up in an A with him - stick to the facts. I do know how you feel since my xAP also was someone I've known 25+ years, tho had limited contact with until 18 months ago) keeping to the facts allows you to put a history together devoid of feelings. THEN you can address emotions connected to him if need be. For me my xAP was the "one" that I didn't have closure with - and have always wondered about - he was my first true love so when he came back into the picture and said he felt the same - it was a short jump into the A. The hardest part? He was one of my dearest friends - and I had to give all of that up because of my selfishness in agreeing to the A. Makes me value friends differently now.
For me, one of the hardest parts of staying NC in the beginning was having the need to feel 'understood' and connected to someone on a deeper level.
Well, I guess I am not as strong as I thought I would be. I ended up caving.
I had mentioned to my housemate how my H would freak if he ever saw the phone records as it would be full of xap's number' I brought it up online to see just how bad it looked and it showed on our last day of contact that I had sent 14 texts. I had only sent 4! So then I sat there and started stressing. My phone has been playing up and what if it had sent out these random blank texts and he thought I was stalking etc. So I texted him. Turns out phone company is dodgy. But being honest it was an excuse. It was a horrible day for me yesterday and I caved. In his last text to me though, he reminded me why we are having no contact and that I have to stick to it. He doesn't want to ignore me but he is going to. Today I am just so angry with myself. My H is going to be so hurt when I tell him even though he gave me to the end of this week to break contact.
So it is back to day 1 of nc. I feel like I have let myself down and my family down again but I can't change it. But I am going to go and write the teenage part of my life story while i am angry at myself, so hopefully that will be stronger then the lump in my throat feeling that I was getting when I was trying to write it yesterday.
Thankyou for all your support yesterday. I wish I had read all these replies before I texted him.
Are you in love with this guy?
Hi RMO,
You are starting over but thats ok.
Ready-
I just had to sigh and shake my head when I read your last post.
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