HELP.. im LC..and barely coping

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
HELP.. im LC..and barely coping
38
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:40am
Well i decided to come and post on here before doing something silly like talking to xAP..we're here at work after NC over the holidays..i ended it just before the holidays..my 4th try..today is very rough. he's not talking to me and acting mad and sad. how do i deal with this..i'm hurting so much inside as it is, without needing to feel HIS pain..HELP..

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 6:54pm

Thank you all for keeping me sane today. I did make it through the day..didn't think i could. All the emotional conradictions have totally drained me..i'm so tired and i didn't do any work. I just couldn't focus. It went something like this..


I am strictly venting here..i'm feeling so overwhelmed that i dont know what to do with myself.


Strict LC with only one small work related group email. ouch did that hurt when he didn't personally respond to me. Oh right. why would he? I told him not to talk to me, that we are over.


All day long i couldn't do any work. My mind was so all over the place. Wanting him to contact me by email. But no, i don't really want that because we're over. Right. Wanting him to come by and talk to me, but he wouldn't. Right. why would he? we are over now. All these contradictions. It's crazy but i'm just letting it all out here..


Since i can't talk to him and i can't do work, i took a lot of breaks. Smoke breaks. Quick ones - it's -20C here. I asked my boss to leave early so i wouldn't see him when he's leaving or to make sure we're not left alone in the office. I left early, but on my way out i noticed that he had left even before me. Hmm. He never does so i guess he also wanted to get away.


Kept checking my phone all day long, almost by default, i can't stop looking at the damn thing. Both wanting him to txt me and NoT wanting him to txt me. Either way i feel bad. If he does, it's bad because i have to either ignore him and feel bad about ignoring him, or, start talking and feel bad for impeding my progress at ending. So it's best that he doesn't. And he hasn't. And i won't txt him either. I guess he's getting it..that i don't want him anymore..ofcourse

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 8:03pm

Siennajaden, thank you!


Let me tell you something Sunshine.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 8:24pm

gentle (((((hug))))) so as to not hurt you even more.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 9:03pm
This is probably easy for me to say today, because I have had a good "strong" day, but don't give in! Where has this gotten you the past 3 times? If you were happy about where it got you then you wouldn't be trying to end it again! I have just made it through day 12 of NC and what has kept me strong, although it's not very nice and not like me, is focusing on the negative parts of my A and how good it feels (not just good, but great!) that I am not dealing with those things. I feel very liberated today. Think about yourself and YOUR feelings this time, not his. It is so difficult to have someone upset with you and to know that you have hurt someone. Do not allow yourself to feel his pain. What about your hurt? It's time for you to feel good now. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find something you like to do and get busy. I know I'm pretty late reading and responding to your post, but I hope I can help you as you have helped me. Be strong! I'm out here pulling for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:17pm

Kept checking my phone all day long, almost by default, i can't stop looking at the damn thing. Both wanting him to txt me and NoT wanting him to txt me. Either way i feel bad. If he does, it's bad because i have to either ignore him and feel bad about ignoring him, or, start talking and feel bad for impeding my progress at ending. So it's best that he doesn't. And he hasn't. And i won't txt him either. I guess he's getting it..that i don't want him anymore..ofcourse

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:52am
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement! Here's to another day of LC ahead of me..

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:55am

Caribu,


As i said last night i do feel those contradictions all the time..between what i want and what i do..it's hard to cope with that BUT we have no choice. We will be treated only in the way that we want to be treated..

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:57am
Clarity - yes i will have no expectations whatsoever from him. My two biggest enemies right now are feeling bad for ditching him, and, fearing he will communicate with me. Any advice will be greatly appreciated..

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 8:59am

Energy -


I do appreciate you wise comments about xAP and him toying with me. I know that you've BTDT and that when i'm fresh in it, i may not see it with the clear, hardened and focused perspective that you do.


Having said that, i felt that you are a bit angry with me for feeling the way i did in my post. I was venting..letting it all out here as i really have no other outlet for all this emotions. Yesterday was extremely overwhelming and i'm back to work today gearing up to do it all over again.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 01-05-2010 - 9:08am

I'm back to work again, and xAP is mr. Cold and Icy today. UGH i feel sick to my stomach. Why can't i just forget he even exists???


Please stay with me and help me thru this day!

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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