HELP.. im LC..and barely coping
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HELP.. im LC..and barely coping
| Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:40am |
Well i decided to come and post on here before doing something silly like talking to xAP..we're here at work after NC over the holidays..i ended it just before the holidays..my 4th try..today is very rough. he's not talking to me and acting mad and sad. how do i deal with this..i'm hurting so much inside as it is, without needing to feel HIS pain..HELP..
Sunshine
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Thank you all for keeping me sane today. I did make it through the day..didn't think i could. All the emotional conradictions have totally drained me..i'm so tired and i didn't do any work. I just couldn't focus. It went something like this..
I am strictly venting here..i'm feeling so overwhelmed that i dont know what to do with myself.
Strict LC with only one small work related group email. ouch did that hurt when he didn't personally respond to me. Oh right. why would he? I told him not to talk to me, that we are over.
All day long i couldn't do any work. My mind was so all over the place. Wanting him to contact me by email. But no, i don't really want that because we're over. Right. Wanting him to come by and talk to me, but he wouldn't. Right. why would he? we are over now. All these contradictions. It's crazy but i'm just letting it all out here..
Since i can't talk to him and i can't do work, i took a lot of breaks. Smoke breaks. Quick ones - it's -20C here. I asked my boss to leave early so i wouldn't see him when he's leaving or to make sure we're not left alone in the office. I left early, but on my way out i noticed that he had left even before me. Hmm. He never does so i guess he also wanted to get away.
Kept checking my phone all day long, almost by default, i can't stop looking at the damn thing. Both wanting him to txt me and NoT wanting him to txt me. Either way i feel bad. If he does, it's bad because i have to either ignore him and feel bad about ignoring him, or, start talking and feel bad for impeding my progress at ending. So it's best that he doesn't. And he hasn't. And i won't txt him either. I guess he's getting it..that i don't want him anymore..ofcourse
Sunshine
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Siennajaden, thank you!
Let me tell you something Sunshine.
gentle (((((hug))))) so as to not hurt you even more.
Kept checking my phone all day long, almost by default, i can't stop looking at the damn thing. Both wanting him to txt me and NoT wanting him to txt me. Either way i feel bad. If he does, it's bad because i have to either ignore him and feel bad about ignoring him, or, start talking and feel bad for impeding my progress at ending. So it's best that he doesn't. And he hasn't. And i won't txt him either. I guess he's getting it..that i don't want him anymore..ofcourse
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Caribu,
As i said last night i do feel those contradictions all the time..between what i want and what i do..it's hard to cope with that BUT we have no choice. We will be treated only in the way that we want to be treated..
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Energy -
I do appreciate you wise comments about xAP and him toying with me. I know that you've BTDT and that when i'm fresh in it, i may not see it with the clear, hardened and focused perspective that you do.
Having said that, i felt that you are a bit angry with me for feeling the way i did in my post. I was venting..letting it all out here as i really have no other outlet for all this emotions. Yesterday was extremely overwhelming and i'm back to work today gearing up to do it all over again.
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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I'm back to work again, and xAP is mr. Cold and Icy today. UGH i feel sick to my stomach. Why can't i just forget he even exists???
Please stay with me and help me thru this day!
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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