Help! I'm weakening

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Help! I'm weakening
6
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:25pm
I'm really sorry to just be posting all the time but right now this board is my only support in between once weekly therapy sessions. It has been 6 days since I last had contact with MM and I don't know if I can make it one more day. I hate the way I left it - I left a message on voicemail calling his an a-hole and a terrible friend. Which was really actually very accurate but of course, not exactly how I will achieve closure. Well, now I have way too much pride to contact him and I really can't believe he hasn't called me. I seriously doubt he will because he has even more pride than me. I can't believe I gave him such an easy out. I know if I called him he would just say, "Well, after that message, I figured you didn't want me to call you."

I really want to retain some dignity and I think if I get some distance from this I will be able to figure out the best way to get closure, whether it's a letter, a meeting, or just letting it go. He goes out of town on Tuesday and if I can just make it until then, I think I can get a little relief. Of course, the closer Tuesday gets, the more I want to call.

MY biggest fear right now is that he is not suffering. That sounds so horrible but it's how it feel. It would just be so nice to know that he is hurting at least 1/10 of how much I am hurting.

I am self employed and work from home, which is great until you have a crisis. If I can't get out of this house, I think I might lose my mind, not to mention all my clients. I can't focus on work at all.

Again, I'm sorry for just dumping but it's just so much to handle and I am so alone. I'm so grateful for this forum.

-Real

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 1:08am
realsign, I am sorry you're hurting! You have every right to be hurt, so don't apologize for dumping - that's what this board is for.

As I recall, this "good friend" got you pregnant the first (and only?) time you got physical, and then pretty much abandoned you emotionally through the abortion and since (is that right?). I'm glad you're getting some therapy to help you through this; nobody should have to go through that alone - and he HAS left you to deal with it alone. Whatever his own issues were in all this, he has failed you miserably and IMHO he is NOT your friend, sorry to say.

When we're hurting we want to turn to our friends for solace - that's what makes NC so difficult. We're used to thinking of MM as our best friend. But NC will make you stronger, and looking to MM for something he cannot/will not give you will make you weaker. It's easy to say, I know. Everyone has to reach their breaking point/breaking up point in their own time.

Forgive yourself for calling him names - we all go berserk now and again (and quite frankly, what you said sounds fairly accurate...)

I hope you can find a way to get out of the house (!!!) and do something to make yourself feel better (or at least give you a change of physical and mental scenery). I wish I could say more - I really feel for you, honey. We're all here for you, so keep posting!

(((HUGS)))

mtnsweetheart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 7:15am
realsign, try to stay strong. I walked away from my MM so many times telling him NC and insisting he go back and make things right with his wife. Each time he would call ( twice I broke NC)and I let my weakness bring me back. Ever since the fiasco with his wife started on Monday, I've been thinking how much better it would have been if I sticked to my guns, but I thought my MM was my best friend (WRONG!!) and thats what makes this so hard. In restropsect any time I needed him (death in the family, my Dad's cancer, or even just a bad day at work) I see clearly now how he let me down. So you keep posting ... that is what is getting me through this week so far reading posts, writing down how I feel, allowing myself to feel that way, and a lot of prayer. "Big Hug"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:29am
Hi Real. We are all struggling together in this, so just try and do something special for yourself and try not to think about MM. He is not your best friend for the way he treated you. None of our MM's are truly our friends, its a fantasy relationship. And for me, the fantasy has ended. I have kept NC for over 4 weeks now, except for him calling me on Monday. And saying he wanted to get together again but that never happened and I haven't heard back from him since. And I am NOT going to contact him. I feel that I am paying more attention to my H lately and so I am not thinking about MM quite as much.

I've been thru long NC periods before, and its changed the way I think about MM. Believe me, the longer you go, the better it will get for you. Go through the grieving stage, then hopefully you will get to the anger, and then just get to where you can think of your times together as a bittersweet memory.

Its hard, but you will make it !! Take care everyone, and hope you all have a great holiday weekend!!

Dusty
xxxx
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:41am
Thanks everyone - for the support and for the reality check! I really needed that. I had started to attribute those "magical qualities" to the relationship again and I need to be reminded that he is NOT my friend and really is a jerk. There's such a big part of me that still believes he was my best friend and my heart just does not want to let that belief go. Probably because this is as much grief as my heart can handle right now. I know if I can get some more days of NC under my belt, his grip on me will lessen (right?). I really really appreciate everyone's kind words!

-real

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:07am
Hi Real! Yes, the longer you maintain NC the easier it will get...except that my experience was that at a certain point in time the "magical" thinking you mentioned returned. I went thru about one month of really missing the XMM, but in the past 2 weeks it seems to have passed.

These relationships are so odd, and play such amazing tricks on our minds. I do recall reading some of your previous posts, and I echo what others have posted - this man was NOT your best friend. Try to hang on to the anger/resentment you felt when he didn't show up for you when you needed him, and any time you're tempted to contact him, remember those feelings!!!

And don't ever worry about manic posting here. We're more than happy to help! Love, hugs and stay strong vibes...Mo.

mo 7-18-10

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:24am
Well, it's Sunday and I have made it this far with NC (9 days, feels like 900). Tuesday is my goal because then he goes out of town for a week which will bring me some relief. The only thing is the closer I get to Tuesday the more sad I get. Tuesday feels like I'm going to a funeral. The anger comes and goes. But the sadness is always with me.

If this is indeed the way everything is going to end, I have so many unanswered questions. Like how could he do this to me, how can he live with himself, was everything just lies? I am so afraid of living with these questions for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I am so afraid of talking to him too. Do I really want to know those answers?

Luckily, my head (and my pride) are winning this battle and keeping me from contacting him. It's probably best to just do nothing when I am in such a state of confusion and shock. It's just really scary being in such unknown territory. I don't know what to do.