Help! I'm weakening
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| Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:25pm |
I really want to retain some dignity and I think if I get some distance from this I will be able to figure out the best way to get closure, whether it's a letter, a meeting, or just letting it go. He goes out of town on Tuesday and if I can just make it until then, I think I can get a little relief. Of course, the closer Tuesday gets, the more I want to call.
MY biggest fear right now is that he is not suffering. That sounds so horrible but it's how it feel. It would just be so nice to know that he is hurting at least 1/10 of how much I am hurting.
I am self employed and work from home, which is great until you have a crisis. If I can't get out of this house, I think I might lose my mind, not to mention all my clients. I can't focus on work at all.
Again, I'm sorry for just dumping but it's just so much to handle and I am so alone. I'm so grateful for this forum.
-Real

As I recall, this "good friend" got you pregnant the first (and only?) time you got physical, and then pretty much abandoned you emotionally through the abortion and since (is that right?). I'm glad you're getting some therapy to help you through this; nobody should have to go through that alone - and he HAS left you to deal with it alone. Whatever his own issues were in all this, he has failed you miserably and IMHO he is NOT your friend, sorry to say.
When we're hurting we want to turn to our friends for solace - that's what makes NC so difficult. We're used to thinking of MM as our best friend. But NC will make you stronger, and looking to MM for something he cannot/will not give you will make you weaker. It's easy to say, I know. Everyone has to reach their breaking point/breaking up point in their own time.
Forgive yourself for calling him names - we all go berserk now and again (and quite frankly, what you said sounds fairly accurate...)
I hope you can find a way to get out of the house (!!!) and do something to make yourself feel better (or at least give you a change of physical and mental scenery). I wish I could say more - I really feel for you, honey. We're all here for you, so keep posting!
(((HUGS)))
mtnsweetheart
I've been thru long NC periods before, and its changed the way I think about MM. Believe me, the longer you go, the better it will get for you. Go through the grieving stage, then hopefully you will get to the anger, and then just get to where you can think of your times together as a bittersweet memory.
Its hard, but you will make it !! Take care everyone, and hope you all have a great holiday weekend!!
Dusty
-real
These relationships are so odd, and play such amazing tricks on our minds. I do recall reading some of your previous posts, and I echo what others have posted - this man was NOT your best friend. Try to hang on to the anger/resentment you felt when he didn't show up for you when you needed him, and any time you're tempted to contact him, remember those feelings!!!
And don't ever worry about manic posting here. We're more than happy to help! Love, hugs and stay strong vibes...Mo.
If this is indeed the way everything is going to end, I have so many unanswered questions. Like how could he do this to me, how can he live with himself, was everything just lies? I am so afraid of living with these questions for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I am so afraid of talking to him too. Do I really want to know those answers?
Luckily, my head (and my pride) are winning this battle and keeping me from contacting him. It's probably best to just do nothing when I am in such a state of confusion and shock. It's just really scary being in such unknown territory. I don't know what to do.