Help Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Help Me
5
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 8:20pm

My friends,

I am such an idiot.

When I broke it off with xAP (5 weeks ago), I knew that he had found someone else (he is S). I knew that he didn't want to tell me. So I broke it off so that he wouldn't have to tell me. A clean break. I deleted him from my FaceBook Friends. His page is set to private so I knew that I wouldn't be able to stalk him.

However, we have some mutual friends. And one of our mutual friends is friends with the new girl. I pulled up her page today for the first time in 2 weeks. I had gotten really good about not stalking. But today... I don't know... I just thought I could handle it.

And what do I see on her page? Her relationship status has changed. She is now "in a relationship with xAP". It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The tears are flowing. She is living the life with him that I had dreamed about for four years. xAP and I are the same age, she is 15 years younger.

Is he making her the same promises that he made to me? Is he telling her how much he loves her? Is he planning a future with her? Does he really not love me anymore? Has he really gotten over me?

Why is this bothering me so much? These are the first tears I have shed in over two weeks. Well, since the last time I looked at her FB page. Why the hell am I torturing myself?

I want it to stop. If it's really over, then I need to not care... not hurt.

Please help me, girls. I don't want to feel like this.

Love,
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 10:21pm

Dear Angel,

Your head is in all the wrong places. Please repeat after me: It does not matter. I know you think the answers to your questions matter, but they don't, and that's because the questions themselves DO NOT MATTER. What do you want for yourself Fallen? To fall further?

How can you shift your focus away from him and onto yourself? I feel worried for you that you are making decisions that are hurting you further. Remember, NC includes the kinda stuff you're doing through Facebook. You are making more hurt for yourself. No contact is no contact. I know you know this but you seemed to have forgotten (denied/minimized) this. Now you've added more hurts to the ones you already had.

You can't possibly assume she is living the life you dreamed of. Actually, follow your own thought through - "She is living the life with him that I had dreamed about for four years." YOU DREAMED IT ALL UP - IT WASN'T REAL. It's awful to realize this, but it's true. He is single and he has met a single woman.

And what about this:

"Okay, so I know that I shouldn’t even care anymore… I’ve made it over 3 weeks now. I have no temptation to call him or get in touch. I have blocked him from FB and quit cyber stalking our mutual friends to find out about him. I am going on a wonderful vacation next week with my H and kids. Things at home have been really good.

So, I think I can say that I’m glad that it’s over. I’m so blessed that there was no Dday because my H and kids would have been devastated."

You are so blessed! Please allow yourself to move on in healing and let your xAP move on. You are throwing away the life you could have, the real life that you do have, for a fantasy life. Please stop, breathe and work the NC process.

We are very early in the healing process - you and I are within a week of one another. I think about xAP too - and I CAN'T WAIT until I don't. The only difference is that I have had a DDay, and my H and kids were/are forever impacted by this. Trust me, if you had a dday, you would NEVER EVER forgive yourself for not taking the chance you have right now to learn from your mistakes, heal yourself and move on.

Don't waste another day living in the past. I know you want to be done with this, to stop feeling like crap, to start feeling like you deserve the family you have. So - come on, keep on working the work that's required of us to get to tweenerville and the great beyond.

Huge hugs to you,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 1:57am

TU,

Thank you so much for writing back to me. Your thoughts and words were the exact response that I needed to "snap out of it".

I am going to stop torturing myself with the whole Facebook thing. I know all I need to know and it was a setback today.

I am getting a little bit stronger every day. Part of me can't believe that it's even possible to go on after the death of fantasy that I held on to for so long. I was truly addicted to the whole thing. My feeling are still on the rollercoaster of the A, even though I physically jumped off 5 weeks ago. Some days I am really okay. Some days I battle depression, anger, sadness, confusion. But at the end of each day, I hug and kiss my wonderful children, I tell my H that I love him, and I crawl in to bed and count my blessings, and then I just sleep, knowing that tomorrow will be a better day.

I am going on vacation next week with H and kids. I am really looking forward to this escape. Funny how I used to feel that I needed an escape from real life...

Thanks for being a friend when I needed one.
Love,
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 6:53am

OMG! Did I write your story for you???


I am 10 days NC (kind of BECAUSE I CAN"T STOP CYBERSTALKING!!) Although we do not talk or communicate in ANY way, I am still obsessed w/following "him" on FB. Terrible I know, but I cannot stop.


SAME exact thiing for me....i see he is now having very flirtacious convo's with another M woman that I know. This is how we began so I'm certain it will evolve into something. Why the H** do I even care!!! I mean the guy is M for heaven's sake & he has moved on from me- NO PROBLEM to yet ANOTHER M woman!! Why would I even care about a dog like that?


But I do- and it is crushing me right now....I have a sick feeling in my gut like I wanna puke.


Maybe it's just wanting what you can't have? I too have a wonderful loving H & family and have not had a DD. What a spoiled brat I am! I have been given a second chance, and here I am pining for a DOG!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 7:42am

XFAX,


<depression, anger, sadness, confusion.>>


It's a rough ride, honey, no doubt about it. You are ONLY five weeks out though, and all of the feelings you described will be present for a while to come. It will take months to purge them from your system. The fantasy/addiction we built up in our minds literally changes the chemical balance in our brains. This is why so many of us

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: xfallenangelx
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:26am

This reply is an example of what I am talking about TU. You are gifted n powerful. I hope u r better today. Let me know as I am thinking of you. Please let me know.

Iddy,
I am looking forward to being a vet like you. Almost a supertweener. I was really sorry to hear you were hurting yesterday. Those anniversary's must be tough. I bet he had no idea what was bothering you. Funny how we remember dates n they do not. I hope you are having a better today and a good weekend overall. It really was upsetting to hear our leader hurting. I am thinkin of you n letting you know that you are our soul of the board n we always appreciate your posts.

LX,
sorry for the hijack and stay off FB. It's like the worst thing for any type of break up. Esp our type tho. We stalk...let him n her to the wind chica.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida