Help me be strong
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|Tue, 05-27-2014 - 4:34pm|
I have been married for almost 10 years with a child. Approximately 3 months ago life was really stressful at home between my husband and I as well as other life stressors. I am not using this as an excuse just stating a fact. At that time I met a man in a coffee shop. It started by innocent chatting about kids etc. and he asked me for my number so we could grab a coffee together again. We started off as innocent friends. I told my husband about him and after a few coffees and chats on the phone my husband was uncomfortable with this friendship and asked me to stop. I ended it and he completely understood and agreed a few days later I missed him and called him back and we started talking again. We kept it to mostly talking on the phone (usually durring my drive home from work) and emailing eachother and once and a while ate at night we would skype. We were both attracted to eachother physically and emotionally. He was estranged from his wife and had a child and wanted to repair that relationship with her but was kind of stuck. I told him several times that I loved my husband did not want to leave my relationship until I had tried to work things out and he understood. We met once more just to talk in person we were drawn to eachother but did not act on things physically. Then we continued talking, e mailing eachother daily flirting with the idea of meeting. We set a date to meet and he cancelled worried he was going to ruin my life, cause me more trouble etc. We tried to break it off and withing a couple of days we were back to talking and e mailing daily again. Last week we met in person for an afternoon. We walked, talked chatted and kissed. We went for a drive and talked about where this was going (which we could both see was going nowhere). The next day he e mailed me to say he realized he needed to focus on repairing his relationship and would need to break contact for a while. he was kind and caring about it but also stated that he had crossed lines with me that he never thought he would cross and is concerned about his self respect and self worth if he continues with this relationship. I told him I understand (and I do). I also realize I have crossed lines and shocked myself with my actions. I told him i would not contact him again unless he contacted me. I have a feeling if I did contact him he would fall right back into our communication again and I don't want to tempt him.
what I want is to stay strong and end this thing for good this time before we go further down this road that only leads to more pain and suffering for both of us. The problem is that I have grown so attached to him. He became such an emotional support and such a part of my daily activity it's been really hard letting it go. Even though my head KNOWS this is the right thing to do my heart aches for his attention, affection, the fun we had talking together. I know those are things I am obviously missing in my own marriage and I need to work on that. I have been looking at this site for quite a while and it has been helpful in emotionally preparing me to make this move. I have realized for a while it needed to end and that it was all really an illusion and not a real relationship (thanks to the library). I just didn't have the strength to let it go quite yet. So the fact that he ended it first is actually a relief.
I also feel incredibly guilty at times about what I have done. I am trying to be kind to myself and be understanding of the fact that I made a mistake. I know everyone says this but I never intended to have an affair.
I feel very sad and lonely and guilty all at once. I am tempted to e mail him throughout the day. What I have been doing is emailing myself what I want to e mail to him and why I can't as a way of coping with it. I really want to call him especially right now when we would normally talk on the phone. I won't call him but I have been so sad and low durring my commute home because it had become such a routine.
I am also worried that if he calls or e mails me I won't be strong enough to resist. I have been contemplating various scenarios to resist this such as not answering the call at all, answering and reminding him that what we had done was for the best for both of us, telling him I will call him back when I can talk and then waiting for a time I am feeling stronger to say we can't keep going with this.
At the same time I am working on repairing the issues in my marriage that caused this. I still love my husband and don't want to continue to do things that would hurt him.
Any support, suggestions, advice would be greatly appreciated. How long will it take for this pain to start to heal? We have had no contact for 4 days and it's the longest we have gone with no contact.