Help me focus on my marriage again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Help me focus on my marriage again!
12
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 3:41pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 4:32pm

Hi GML,


Welcome to EAS. Hope you will stay and read especially in the Healing Library which is a little more than half way down on the main EAS page.


For me after D-day, I could not focus on anything. I was thankfully in IC so I had somewhere to turn and a place to talk about all the pain I was feeling from ending the A. A close friend of the family gave me the best advice letting me know that rebuilding a M is about both people being restored and made whole. It’s not about going back to the same ‘ol same ‘ol and settling. That is not rebuilding.


Ending my A alone did not save my M. Hard work on both my H and my part along with changes not only in how we did things but in how our entire M was set up. I learned in MC that the way we had are M set up was a recipe for failure. The only amazing thing is that we made it for 18 + years before it started to unravel.


I came to three very important conclusions after self-healing and restoring my M:


1.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 5:21pm

I can totally relate to you. My husband is the same. Yes, my a's wife found out but in the end, I wound up telling my H. I had to. I was too scared the W would tell and I knew no real change would happen unless he realized that I want to work on it.

He is hurt but doesn't want to talk about it. Both of us are acting nicer now. I'm not sure if telling was the right idea but he kind of guessed. I was acting too nice, guilty like, he asked. My A was mostly emotional.

My H and I had almost no physical relationship. I'm trying to rebuild it. But I do feel that your H needs to know that you at least had feelings for someone else. And that you want to create a stronger M. Otherwise, I think you may be just waiting for another A in the future.

Its a hard lonely road. I've cried and cried and cried. I'm still not sure my M will work in the long term. I had no lows from the A. That is the hardest part. We were honestly perfect together. But children are at stake so I truely want a better M.

I hate myself for being that kind of person. But through the years I've begged my H to get counceling with me, or even read a book, but he won't. So I basically fell in love with a friend. And it was addiciting. I'm still confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 5:39pm

lifeback,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 6:15pm
Oh!oh! this is so helpful!
the part about A happens because of what's going on inside oneself more than what is going on in the M really resonated with me! Thank you for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 7:43pm

Hi GMLB,


I saw this from Jocelyn:<>


That is a very personal choice. Below is what I wrote about what my T’s views on it are:


I asked my T if I should tell my H about the A as I was in the process of ending the A. She told me that it is a personal choice if I should or shouldn’t tell my H. She said the important thing is that I ended the A and was working to understand why I took that course so I wouldn’t do it again.


She added something that I believe was very important and it became one of her favorite sayings. She said, “IT'S NOT SO MUCH WHAT YOU DO BUT WHAT YOUR MOTIVATIONS ARE FOR DOING IT”.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 7:51pm

Hi BandK,


Great to see you on giving great advice as always!


Can you email me through my profile? I wanted to ask you something.


Sorry GMLB for hijacking your thread for a quick shout out to BandK.


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 8:01pm

LOL, no problem on the hijacking! I need your thoughts and opinions as this is early on in my ending my A and repairing my marriage and I need all of the help and guidance available.


What is difficult is that there was deep love involved in the affair. He never did or said a bad word to me. He was appreciative of who I was and made that well known. Our A was full of little love notes, cards, texts and was a very positive relationship with the exception of our marriages. It helps to know that even though I am walking away from a toxic relationship of excessive highs and lows, that there was love there. But Im tired of being that person. Of waiting for every text, reading more into an email for a hidden meaning, wondering if and when we will be together. I cant even stomach the Sugarland song "Stay". But I am ready to let go of all of that and ready to learn to love myself and my marriage again.


Please continue to help me with your posts. I need to know that I am not alone and, OMG, I feel so alone!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sat, 11-07-2009 - 5:43am

Hi there,


I too, had a very hard time getting back to the real world of my marriage after my EA ended. It took me a great deal of time to really focus on the matters at home, when I was still either heavily involved in my EA and then afterwards, the heavy grief that ensued from the break ups....we had several, but this last time was a charm, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 8:13am

Hi Tihg,


Your post is wonderful....thank you for writing it.


I'm also trying to focus on my M, and my A ended months ago, but now ex-MM is leaving our office....so LC will now be NC.


Part of me is thankful b/c I know it's what's best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 6:56pm

Hey Mickey,


I just want to send you lots of encouragment here...you can do this. Really, you can.

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