Help me help myself PLEASE!!
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:22am |
Okay, I've read through the healing library as well as general discussions. I have a good idea who the vets are and how far they've come. This gives me a glimmer of hope. But seriously, I am OBSESSED!!
What is wrong with me that I can't let this go?? If I need that "Tough Love" I've read about BRING IT ON! I'll take anything to get out of this pain.
A few of you read my post and know that I've been struggling with the fallout of my A for almost 3 yrs now. The past weekend has been very difficult because a Labor Day picnic was when my EA began.
Some of you know that within a few months as things were progressing with A I panicked and confessed to my H. Does that count as D'day? Anyway long story short xAP ran for the hills. I went from being the one true love of his life to a big problem that he needed to get rid of. I tried to continue the A with him. I wanted him to come see me so we could talk. He agreed and then last minute backed out because he said he needed to spend time with his son. He wasn't being a good father. He was also writing his dissertation, getting settled in his new job, etc. He was feeling "clogged" (his words)
I can see he was driving me away. Hoping I would take the hint. I did, sent him the good bye email. I of course hoped he wouldn't let me go. But he did.
Do you know I still pathetically keep my email open all day and look for a message. I go on fB to see if he found me and sent me one there. We went to same HS so we have mutual friends on there which basically sucks big time!!
Here's what gets me. I am obsessed with thinking about this whole thing went down. I am the one whose life is in complete shambles. My marriage and family torn apart. I don't know where I'm headed. Taking things one day at time, riding the waves of emotions, trying to move forward.
One positive out of this whole mess is I went back to school to get my BS degree and I've been doing very well. I was such a mess when I was younger I never made it through college. Never believed I was smart enough. So this experience is helping me to undo some old beliefs.
BUT... I can't stop obsessing about this dude. Since NC 2.5 years, I haven't stopped thinking and comparing myself with him. Why is it he just went on with his life as if nothing ever happened. He has a good career, finished his doctorate, started a band, (Again, mutual friends who know him and work with him) Only one of them knows about A though. I have heard that his marriage is strange. He and his W rarely go to events together where the spouse is typically invited and attends.
I just feel like I'm paying the price for what I've done. I know I created this mess for myself. I have to face the consequences. But I can't stop obsessing over WHY DOESN'T HE?? Why does he get away with mistreating people and come off as Mr. Nice guy? And I would bet my life he already has found someone else if not several to be his little piece on the side. I realize I was am nothing to him.
I could've made his life a living nightmare if I didn't know better that revenge would only have hurt me in the end. I know where he lives, where he works, people he works with and mutual friends who believe he's super nice!! UGH! Some days I feel I have nothing left to lose so why the hell not?? I know why. It's called DIGNITY.
Sometimes I find myself on my bathroom floor sobbing, with my laptop in front of me composing an email to send to him. But I know if I do I may sink so low I'll never recover. So I pray instead until it passes.
I just want to let this go and make it stop. Am I just weak? I swear I've tried T, reading self help books, meditations, you name it. I can't make the thoughts STOP!!
How do I forgive him, myself, this whole ugly mess? How do you do it?
L.

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Lilly,
It seems that there is something going on with you that makes you need to stay in this pain for some reason. You _actively_ strive to hold onto this A-obsession. Is it just the xAP or the A that you're obsessive about? It's alarming that you've been performing CPR on this ending for 3 years. You are working your butt off to keep the A on the fore, what with keeping the email open all day every day and the mutual-friend stalking and all. You have from two options to pick: either you truly lack all self-control or ability to help yourself, which means your issue is THAT more than the A -- or, you have lots of self-control but you choose to exercise it in a self-hating, destructive way, which means the issue is your self-hate and THAT is the issue more than the A. Either way, the issue here is NOT the A, AP or the ending - it's you.
What would happen if you let this go? What is in it for you to keep it going? If you let it go, would you have to address other issues that scare you more or hurt you more? I think addressing all of this is something you really need to do with professional help and it is time for you to again try therapy.
The most obvious answer to your plea is to advise proper NC.
Please don't take what I've said as tough love. I have a huge amount of sympathy for the pain you're in. I am very concerned that it's self-inflicted, though, and I don't want to minimize that concern by directing any focus towards the A or xAP.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and I hope this board will help you.
best,
Dee
Hi Lilly,
Welcome to EAS! Your post resonates with me for many reasons. I too felt I was getting the "bad guy" ending - no friends, no exciting life, no self esteem, just back to my old chores - while he got the "good guy ending" - surrounded by friends, old and new, with new projects and an ego boost from me. It´s not a good place to be, and I hope you get better soon.
What helped me was to see that if there was justice in the world I would be far worse off than that. I dig that hole I was in and in addiction to that, took innocent people with me, my H, my kids, his W. No, they don´t know about the A, but they suffer the consequences nonetheless. I did something deplorable and got away with that. Sure, so did he, but that also doesn´t mean he hasn´t paid a price. We don´t know what goes on inside xAP´s head. What he shows the world is not always a reflection of how well his self esteem is.
That said, my suggestion is that you find a way to avoid hearing from xAP. I had to cut an acquaintance with someone, because xAP was friends with him and would occasionally pop up on his blog and twitter. I closed my e-mail account and opened a new one. I actively tried to make new friends in RL.
Sorry, I have to go now. But I´m sure you´ll get good advice from other posters.
Pru
Lilly,
Welcome to the EAS board - you said a lot of things in your post that struck chords with me - I'm no vet - but I'm climbing diligently out of the black hole where I've been residing for the last year....
I think perhaps you need to recognize the fog that was a HUGE part of any A.
Thank you all for your responses. I am extremely grateful that some of you understand how I'm feeling. Others OUCH. But I understand you're just being direct and it's to help me. I am deeply ashamed of being in this place right now. I'm full force venting here. So it's a ramble and sorry if confusing.
But I'll NEVER get it I guess. If he wanted to have a little fling on the side because he has to get needs met, then why in the hell go after a person who he had a 4 year relationship in the past. A person he knew loved him and wanted to marry him. He let me go and moved on. So I did that too. I built my life with my husband the best I could. We have a beautiful daughter together who dx with Autism at 3 and I went through the battle of my life to get her the help she needed. I'm loving, smart, kind and a good person.
I walked the line. I was loyal to my husband and cared for my family. And my husband admits he failed me in many ways.
There's a combination of things here. Love I had for this man in the past and being in a vulnerable spot in my marriage for many reasons. Perhaps I went looking for this. Subconsciously to shake things up for change.
But I'm human. With a heart and emotions. When I love someone it's for real. And I really loved this man. People aren't disposable to me. I know I still would have been extremely hurt if he had just come out and said, "I'm sorry. I care about you. But I can't do this." "I love my wife" "I just wanted you know you did mater to me" whatever!! I understand there are different kinds of love. But no. He didn't do that.
To refuse to see me, call me, to just harshly show me that I was really NOTHING to him. To let me walk away and while I'm doing it tell me "You'll never understand how much you mean to me." "if you ever need anything." OH YEAH! Like more emotional and psychological damage?? NO THANKS. You've accomplished that task pretty well now! It's HUMILIATING!
I didn't get involved with him in vain. To boost my ego, to get excitement. He was important to me. He knew that!!! To me that indicates he's a predator. A sociopath? I don't know. This entire thing has shaken my faith in humanity.
I start therapy again this Thursday. I pray to God it helps. I'm a lost soul right now that's for sure.
God I'm so confused at this point I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. I'll stop posting until I after I'm in therapy for awhile and hopefully clearer.
Thanks again to all of you for giving me some kind of lifeline to reach out to in my despair and to vent these feeling out.
Many blessing to you all on your journey.
PS FYI I'm not STALKING mutual friends. We ALL went to HS together. We all grew up together. Some are more my friends than his. And a few of MY friends work with him. It is what it is.
Lilly
Lilly...welcome to EAS.
You have relagated yourself to be a victim. You are not and were not a victim in this mess. You helped to create this mess. We all did. As long as you play the victim and him the villan role you will continue to feel sorry for yourself and stay stuck in your own misery. If it has really been three years and you are still stuck it's time to think about what is going on within you which keeps you feeling sorry for yourself. You made a choice knowing you were both M. Ask yourself where did you want this to go. Did you want him to leave his W and you leave your DH and the two of you live happily ever after?
You can help yourself by finding out why you are using him to validate who you are. You say you love hard but obviously you don't love yourself hard enough to finally extract this man who means you no good from your life.
Aw Lillygirl -
Please know that we can all relate to your feelings - I could have written this statement word for word...
But I'm human. With a heart and emotions. When I love someone it's for real. And I really loved this man. People aren't disposable to me.
My AP was someone I knew 20 years ago - he knew I had been married for 19 years, he was married for 16
This is a difficult one for me. I want to help you to stop obsessing and agree so much with the previous posters but particularly with 'deeulta'. This is an avoidance pattern you have got yourself into because I sense you are afraid of something else. Maybe facing life on your own and it feels too scary and so you hold on to the affair and AP so that you dont have to face the future or do anything to move forward. The unknown is far scarier than the known, even with all its pain but the unknown as one ingredient and that is 'hope', 'hope for a better life, a happier life and a painfree life.
This is difficult for me because I come from all sides of the affair and that is why I am hard on myself. I should know better. I learnt many lessons many many many years ago and I learnt them well and achieved a successfully long marriage and an amicable divorce and
Lilly,
IMO, the waters run deep; meaning there
~Iddy~
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