Help me help myself PLEASE!!
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:22am |
Okay, I've read through the healing library as well as general discussions. I have a good idea who the vets are and how far they've come. This gives me a glimmer of hope. But seriously, I am OBSESSED!!
What is wrong with me that I can't let this go?? If I need that "Tough Love" I've read about BRING IT ON! I'll take anything to get out of this pain.
A few of you read my post and know that I've been struggling with the fallout of my A for almost 3 yrs now. The past weekend has been very difficult because a Labor Day picnic was when my EA began.
Some of you know that within a few months as things were progressing with A I panicked and confessed to my H. Does that count as D'day? Anyway long story short xAP ran for the hills. I went from being the one true love of his life to a big problem that he needed to get rid of. I tried to continue the A with him. I wanted him to come see me so we could talk. He agreed and then last minute backed out because he said he needed to spend time with his son. He wasn't being a good father. He was also writing his dissertation, getting settled in his new job, etc. He was feeling "clogged" (his words)
I can see he was driving me away. Hoping I would take the hint. I did, sent him the good bye email. I of course hoped he wouldn't let me go. But he did.
Do you know I still pathetically keep my email open all day and look for a message. I go on fB to see if he found me and sent me one there. We went to same HS so we have mutual friends on there which basically sucks big time!!
Here's what gets me. I am obsessed with thinking about this whole thing went down. I am the one whose life is in complete shambles. My marriage and family torn apart. I don't know where I'm headed. Taking things one day at time, riding the waves of emotions, trying to move forward.
One positive out of this whole mess is I went back to school to get my BS degree and I've been doing very well. I was such a mess when I was younger I never made it through college. Never believed I was smart enough. So this experience is helping me to undo some old beliefs.
BUT... I can't stop obsessing about this dude. Since NC 2.5 years, I haven't stopped thinking and comparing myself with him. Why is it he just went on with his life as if nothing ever happened. He has a good career, finished his doctorate, started a band, (Again, mutual friends who know him and work with him) Only one of them knows about A though. I have heard that his marriage is strange. He and his W rarely go to events together where the spouse is typically invited and attends.
I just feel like I'm paying the price for what I've done. I know I created this mess for myself. I have to face the consequences. But I can't stop obsessing over WHY DOESN'T HE?? Why does he get away with mistreating people and come off as Mr. Nice guy? And I would bet my life he already has found someone else if not several to be his little piece on the side. I realize I was am nothing to him.
I could've made his life a living nightmare if I didn't know better that revenge would only have hurt me in the end. I know where he lives, where he works, people he works with and mutual friends who believe he's super nice!! UGH! Some days I feel I have nothing left to lose so why the hell not?? I know why. It's called DIGNITY.
Sometimes I find myself on my bathroom floor sobbing, with my laptop in front of me composing an email to send to him. But I know if I do I may sink so low I'll never recover. So I pray instead until it passes.
I just want to let this go and make it stop. Am I just weak? I swear I've tried T, reading self help books, meditations, you name it. I can't make the thoughts STOP!!
How do I forgive him, myself, this whole ugly mess? How do you do it?
L.

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Lilly,
You are new here and you don't know all of the players. There are some very disturbed people who like to come here to kick the puppies; be aware and ignore them. They are NOT the voice of the board and yet we have no way of keeping them from being here.
Best,
Dee
(if this is re-post, sorry. I thought I put it up before but it wasn't there!)
lilly,
welcome to EAS--it is clear you are going through a VERY rough time and i'm glad you found us.
you have been given a lot of good advice and feedback so i do not want to be a broken record. my initial reaction to your post was very similar to iddy's--there is a LOT more going on with you psychologically than the fall out of the affair. some of the comments in your post suggest to me that you could really benefit from some long term insight oriented therapy to address the self worth issues that presented themselves even before you go in to the affair.
"I was such a mess when I was younger I never made it through college. Never believed I was smart enough. So this experience is helping me to undo some old beliefs" it is awesome that you went back to school lilly, but i wonder if that messed up young girl who never believed in herself is still the one running the show in there?
you are not just weak. that is not only a pejorative term, but also a gross over simplification of a very complicated phenomenon. but to know that you've been out of your A for years and still find yourself "sobbing on the floor in the bathroom" tells me that you have probably only scratched the surface in terms of understanding this A.
ask yourself this question: do you WANT to get over him? do you want things to get better for yourself? or do you just want him to run back to you so you can ride off into the sunset? sorry girl, that's just not how it goes. you gotta take charge of yourself. how can you expect anybody to respect you if you do not respect yourself?
you can do this lilly, you just have to want to. and if you want to, you need to take slow steps to stop blaming him or allowing him to take up all of your headspace. you need to reconnect with yourself and your life.
wow, so this is the closest thing to a "tough love" post that i've ever written, and i sincerely apologize if it sounds harsh. you mentioned in your original post that you were open to tough love, so there ya go. this isn't his fault, or your fault. nobody's a victim here. BOTH people in an affair are scumbags, and we both have to clean up our individual messes. he's obviously worked on cleaning up his. what are you waiting for?
keep posting here, because we are a very supportive community. when we speak strongly to each other, it is because we dont want to keep ourselves from backsliding any further. many of us have been where you are, lilly. most of us are here on EAS because we can't shake the pain from the fallout of the A. you're in good company in taht respect. i hope you find our advice helpful, and i hope you know we are all wishing for the best for you.
xox
Exi
After reading this again I feel the need to respond.
1. My self esteem is obviously at an all time low. I refuse to take on the label of "SCUM BAG" you can keep that for yourself if you wish. I refuse to see myself that way.
2. How in the Hell could you possibly know "He's obviously cleaned up his" That is total BS. I know that for certain. It's pretty easy to move forward when it doesn't BOTHER you to hurt people.
Some people may be under the impression that I've only thought of my own pain. I haven't at all. He has way more to risk than I did. He played with fire but I got burned and he walked away unscathed. He's a public school administrator. He's the sole bread winner for his family. I could have totally ruined his reputation and so could my H. And he would deserve it. But we are both better than that.
I've been open with a lot of stuff here. But that doesn't mean you or anyone have a FULL and COMPLETE picture of what happened and who is involved.
I appreciate the "tough love" I really do. But it can also cross a line and feel like an attack.
You know I get that some of you have reached great strides and are empowered and have healed or are close to it. That's wonderful and inspiring. But it doesn't give you the right to be abusive.
It may be that an ego can get a boost from feeling superior as well as from having an A.
Wow...I went to the thread you responded to and except for the scumbag part, because I hate to name-call, I read nothing but compassion, support and ideas to ruminate upon.
Hi Lilly -
I don't believe anyone ever purposely sets out to attack another poster. I'm sorry you felt that way. I remember being much more sensitive when I first started posting and reading. I have to agree with Clarity - I went back and read your original post and you are making a LOT of assumptions about your XAP. If there is truly NC, we have NO idea how our XAPs are. We have NO idea if they are miserable or wonderfully happy. I play that game with myself several times a day. One minute I think "He's just f-ing working down the street and carrying on just like nothing ever happened." The next minute it's "He is an empty shell, just as he was before he met me. He misses what we had." And so on...
You can CHOOSE your thoughts Lilly. It makes me feel much better to think that XAP is miserable without me. Truth is, I have no clue. But if I'm making up stuff in my head, I'm going with what makes me feel better!
Also try to work on not comparing yourself to anybody. Especially XAP. You are a wonderful, unique woman! Again - BTDT - on paper, it sure seems like my XAP has the better deal. But, I'm the one who isn't living a lie anymore.
Take it a day at a time and see if every day you can add another minute of not thinking about JAM. Work toward that final eviction notice - get him out of your head. What is the worst thing that can happen?
Bodhi
Edited 9/8/2010 5:38 pm ET by bodhi2010
Lilly,
I just want to make sure to apologize for the "scumbag" comment, and for anything else in my post that was offensive. like i said, it was my first attempt at "tough love". i have a dirty mouth, and sometimes tend to communicate roughly. it isn't meant to be hurtful, and i sincerely apologize.
i want you to feel welcome and comfortable on the EAS board. i know what its like to feel judged and rejected and it is NOT what i intended for you.
i only wanted you to be honest with yourself about where you stand in terms of wanting to end the A. it sounded to me from your original post like you would do anything to hold on to him, and that you had essentially allowed your life to be completely taken over by him and the A. i am encouraging you to examine this, and that is all.
please continue to use this community, we are for the most part, fairly kind hearted people. i apologize again for coming off as offensive.
~Exi
lilly, sorry for the double post, but i just wanted to address another comment you made in your response to me--of COURSE i realize i dont have the full and complete picture of what happened in your A, and i'm not trying to suggest taht there is only one way to look at things. in fact, i completely buck at that idea, i think we all get over our A's in their own way.
for those of us on EAS who are healing, it doesn't entitle us to self righteousness. i am so truly sorry if i came off that way, because i'm a newbie myself and my healing process has only just began. but, please know that my response came from a place of experience not only from myself but others on the board. your AP hasn't cleaned up his act entirely, but it sounds like from yr post that he's trying to move on, and you're trying to hang on. why would you want to hang on to somebody who's trying to shake you?
good luck lilly and keep posting. i will be more sensitive in the future when i respond to your posts.
Thank you Exi ~ Apology accepted. I am grateful that you took the time to respond to my posts to help me. And they have helped way more than hurt.
I know I have to take responsibility for the choices I've made that have led me to where I am today. Nobody can fix me but me. And I WANT to. If I didn't I wouldn't be on here. Or going back to T.
But you did a GREAT thing here. You helped me get in touch with a part of myself that said "Hey! Stop letting people make you feel bad!" It felt really good to take a stand. Even if it was towards a friend and not an enemy. Even if I was mistaken, I stood up for myself. I feel stronger from it.
At least for once I wasn't angry at me. Just before my EA ended and a few months after my T said "Why can't you allow yourself to be angry with X?" "Can you say out loud X is a jerk!!" I've always been a little too nice to people. Time to be nicer to myself.
I'm sure you and others could've come back at me with more to try to help me get my head out of my ass!! Thanks for lightening up on me. LOL
Peace,
Lilly
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