FB is an evil. Disengage in any way you can - block him, or inactivate your own account. Seriously - what's the point? To obsess over his new life with new gf? He's moved on, so should you.
I am sure that there are many more here wiser than I that will chime in ... but I seem to be the only one 'here' right now - so I am jumping in with you. Hope I don't pull us both under.
First off - that sucks. It sucks that you were blindsided and it sucks that your curiosity got the better of you. If you are concerned that you will be unable to stop looking on his FB - then get the heck off facebook! Honestly, is getting cheesy little updates about so and so, or those horrible invites to attend some event you could care less about worth it?! Really, is it worth it?! Actingasif ... you have been such a pillar on these boards, and I know seeing him and his new flavor of the week is an awful kinda feeling, but really ... really ... it has nothing to do with you.
Nothing.
You are in such a better place. You should feel sorry for her. Yikes - ummm. no thanks. You don't want him. And you know better than to feel insecure about the age thing.
Read all of the newbie posts that have come in the last few days. Don't you remember feeling that way? That's what being with him felt like. That's how messed up your mind got being in a 'relationship' with him.
Remember this:
"One thing that I do when I'm feeling weak is call my husband just to talk about our day, what we'll have for dinner, anything to get my mind off xap. If he's not available I call anybody I can think of. The worst thing we can do is to dwell because then the "what ifs" start creeping back into our minds."
Oh c'mon, Acting! Were you just NC before because it was _easy_?? Nooooo. You were NC because you are strong. Because you've 'got this'. Because you know what you need to do to protect yourself.
A'ight? So what if his FB is public? You JUST (DON'T) DO IT.
As far as your pain is concerned, I am sooo sorry. I know it hurts. I bet it sucks that your buddy is now "friends" with him. I would hate that. The best you can do is stay away from his FB to mitigate the pain and not bring any more on yourself than you're already having to cope with. Hugs, hugs! You can do this.
I've done it many times and each time i always got hurt. Why do we want to punish ourselves? I don't think we are masochist, right?
When we proclaim NC what we have in mind? To our full healing of course and fishing in any form defeats the purpose of NC.
Stop snooping and i assure you that you will get use to of not hearing any info on him. Me and xap have many common friends and what i did is to hide our common friends posting. I know you know how to do it but for those not familiar, click the 'EDIT OPTION' found in bottom portion then choose the FB friends you don't want to appear their posts :)
Let's enjoy what we have and xap is not part of our real world :)
I'm having an issue with the FB thing too. I deleted him from my friends so that I no longer see his posts. However, I do see stuff on the pages of mutual friends about him and it has caused major setbacks.
At first I thought I could handle it... that it would be good for me to see that he has moved on. But, that really wasn't the case. Instead it was like 1,000 knives in my heart.
So now, I spend very limited time on FB - I come here instead. The only way I am going to survive this is to surround myself with the people here who know what I'm going through. I don't think I have a single emotion that someone on this board hasn't already had to deal with and live through. And they made it.
Ladies of EAS, you are my inspiration. I know that I am going to get through this and come out of it stronger and happier. I can't thank you enough for the time and understanding that you put in to these boards.
As Dee said, and thank you Bob Newhart, "STOP IT." And as Liberty wrote, hide the people connected to XJAM by editing your FB options. Heck, I have 1/2 of my so called friends hidden. I don't even have a problem with XMM anymore, but my RL friends can be annoying as heck, always whining about something. Who needs that?
Better yet, get off FB altogether, or take a vacation from it. It's just another addiction and I am struggling with it myself. I am a FarmVille addict. lol.
Get back on track which means to keep engaging in your RL.
AAI, man oh man oh man, do i know what you're talking about. what is it about not only stepping on the damn rake, but looking for it so that we can step on it repeatedly?!?!
first of all, recovery is a process--a PROCESS. yes, you have been doing awesome, you are strong, you are courageous, you are an inspiration to your EAS sisters, but you are still healing, AAI. still healing does not mean "completely healed and scarred over", it means that you still have vulnerabilities that you must protect. YOU have to protect them, AAI. Only you can protect you.
Only you can decide to not open Facebook a million times a day and hurt yourself--and jeez, it really DOES hurt, doesn't it? your post speaks to me because even though i have been officially "over" and have not spoken to xap in almost three months, it has only been 16 days since i stopped looking at his crap online. i make a bargain with myself every day---really, every single day. i agree that i *can* go and look at his FB page any old time i want---but i have to wait 24 hours before i can do it. it gives me the time to reflect and sort out what i would gain from doing it, the consequences of doing it, and the power to make an unemotional, informed choice. and guess what? so far, the choice to protect and love myself feels better than being crushed to see how xap is doing just fine without me. wow, what an epiphany: xap can't make me feel better, I make ME feel better.
it all boils down to the same thing. i was hoping to improve on sassy, snarky dee's post, but i just can't. STOP IT! :)
lillie
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
Just wanted you to know that my xAP is/was single too. What I had with him is the complete opposite of what I have with my H. I thought I could have a side dish without getting emotionally attached. I was so wrong. I actually prayed to God that He would change xAP in to the kind of man that I could leave my H for. God knew better. Still hurts though, especially since I found out that xAP has someone new. Someone who is not married. Someone that he could possibly build a real life with. Makes me want to throw up.
FB is an evil. Disengage in any way you can - block him, or inactivate your own account. Seriously - what's the point? To obsess over his new life with new gf? He's moved on, so should you.
XOXO
Gone
Actingasif ...
I am sure that there are many more here wiser than I that will chime in ... but I seem to be the only one 'here' right now - so I am jumping in with you. Hope I don't pull us both under.
First off - that sucks. It sucks that you were blindsided and it sucks that your curiosity got the better of you. If you are concerned that you will be unable to stop looking on his FB - then get the heck off facebook! Honestly, is getting cheesy little updates about so and so, or those horrible invites to attend some event you could care less about worth it?! Really, is it worth it?! Actingasif ... you have been such a pillar on these boards, and I know seeing him and his new flavor of the week is an awful kinda feeling, but really ... really ... it has nothing to do with you.
Nothing.
You are in such a better place. You should feel sorry for her. Yikes - ummm. no thanks. You don't want him. And you know better than to feel insecure about the age thing.
Read all of the newbie posts that have come in the last few days. Don't you remember feeling that way? That's what being with him felt like. That's how messed up your mind got being in a 'relationship' with him.
Remember this:
"One thing that I do when I'm feeling weak is call my husband just to talk about our day, what we'll have for dinner, anything to get my mind off xap. If he's not available I call anybody I can think of. The worst thing we can do is to dwell because then the "what ifs" start creeping back into our minds."
Now go do something to take care of yourself (-:
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Oh c'mon, Acting! Were you just NC before because it was _easy_?? Nooooo. You were NC because you are strong. Because you've 'got this'. Because you know what you need to do to protect yourself.
A'ight? So what if his FB is public? You JUST (DON'T) DO IT.
Or, as Dr. Bob Newhart says, "Stop it."
Posted before, but bears repeating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=player_embedded
As far as your pain is concerned, I am sooo sorry. I know it hurts. I bet it sucks that your buddy is now "friends" with him. I would hate that. The best you can do is stay away from his FB to mitigate the pain and not bring any more on yourself than you're already having to cope with. Hugs, hugs! You can do this.
xoxo
Dee
Oh my oh my AAI,
I've done it many times and each time i always got hurt. Why do we want to punish ourselves? I don't think we are masochist, right?
When we proclaim NC what we have in mind? To our full healing of course and fishing in any form defeats the purpose of NC.
Stop snooping and i assure you that you will get use to of not hearing any info on him. Me and xap have many common friends and what i did is to hide our common friends posting. I know you know how to do it but for those not familiar, click the 'EDIT OPTION' found in bottom portion then choose the FB friends you don't want to appear their posts :)
Let's enjoy what we have and xap is not part of our real world :)
Hi Acting,
I'm having an issue with the FB thing too. I deleted him from my friends so that I no longer see his posts. However, I do see stuff on the pages of mutual friends about him and it has caused major setbacks.
At first I thought I could handle it... that it would be good for me to see that he has moved on. But, that really wasn't the case. Instead it was like 1,000 knives in my heart.
So now, I spend very limited time on FB - I come here instead. The only way I am going to survive this is to surround myself with the people here who know what I'm going through. I don't think I have a single emotion that someone on this board hasn't already had to deal with and live through. And they made it.
Ladies of EAS, you are my inspiration. I know that I am going to get through this and come out of it stronger and happier. I can't thank you enough for the time and understanding that you put in to these boards.
-Angel
Oh my dear AAI,
As Dee said, and thank you Bob Newhart, "STOP IT." And as Liberty wrote, hide the people connected to XJAM by editing your FB options. Heck, I have 1/2 of my so called friends hidden. I don't even have a problem with XMM anymore, but my RL friends can be annoying as heck, always whining about something. Who needs that?
Better yet, get off FB altogether, or take a vacation from it. It's just another addiction and I am struggling with it myself. I am a FarmVille addict. lol.
Get back on track which means to keep engaging in your RL.
Love and hugs,
~Iddy~
AAI,
man oh man oh man, do i know what you're talking about. what is it about not only stepping on the damn rake, but looking for it so that we can step on it repeatedly?!?!
first of all, recovery is a process--a PROCESS. yes, you have been doing awesome, you are strong, you are courageous, you are an inspiration to your EAS sisters, but you are still healing, AAI.
still healing does not mean "completely healed and scarred over", it means that you still have vulnerabilities that you must protect. YOU have to protect them, AAI. Only you can protect you.
Only you can decide to not open Facebook a million times a day and hurt yourself--and jeez, it really DOES hurt, doesn't it? your post speaks to me because even though i have been officially "over" and have not spoken to xap in almost three months, it has only been 16 days since i stopped looking at his crap online. i make a bargain with myself every day---really, every single day. i agree that i *can* go and look at his FB page any old time i want---but i have to wait 24 hours before i can do it. it gives me the time to reflect and sort out what i would gain from doing it, the consequences of doing it, and the power to make an unemotional, informed choice. and guess what? so far, the choice to protect and love myself feels better than being crushed to see how xap is doing just fine without me. wow, what an epiphany: xap can't make me feel better, I make ME feel better.
it all boils down to the same thing. i was hoping to improve on sassy, snarky dee's post, but i just can't. STOP IT! :)
lillie
Edited 7/5/2010 11:27 pm ET by actingasif
Acting,
Just wanted you to know that my xAP is/was single too.
What I had with him is the complete opposite of what I have with my H. I thought I could have a side dish without getting emotionally attached. I was so wrong. I actually prayed to God that He would change xAP in to the kind of man that I could leave my H for. God knew better.
Still hurts though, especially since I found out that xAP has someone new. Someone who is not married. Someone that he could possibly build a real life with.
Makes me want to throw up.
-Angel