Help me make it final this time, PLEASE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Help me make it final this time, PLEASE!
12
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:02pm

I've been back and forth, up and down..... Ending it, feeling strong and then falling right back, feeling like a complete idiot. PLEASE HELP!!

Free, go ahead, tell me all those things that I have already heard but just don't listen too!! Or, I do listen but then, there is that sad, dark, day that is disguised as bliss that makes me fall right back to where I absolutely DO NOT want to be!

I'm hurting, I've cried my eyes out for over a week.....again. I've been here before, it's my 3rd time!! When am I going to learn? I've even been the one to break it off, but then, he calls, or shows up or whatever and I allow it, deep down, I want it. For what though? I feel incredibly amazing when I hear his voice, talk to him, or get to have a few laughs with him, or hold him......but then, as soon as I hang up that phone, or close that door, or get in my car, I am left completely drenched in absolute pain and despair. I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not, it's exactly how I feel.

I've been in therapy for over a month or so, but not just for this A issue, personal ones as well. Obviously there is a deeper reason why I feel so weak within myself to not let this man go. I managed to get through my D and letting go of the father of my children for crying out loud? Why is it so hard to let this man go? He never belonged to me in the first place? He was NEVER mine, who was I kidding? Wow, did I hope, did I believe that yes, for sure we were meant to be and someday, we would end up together....Part of me actually still feels that way, what a joke I am?!

I have never felt so weak, I've managed to get through difficult times that were much harder than this? Now, I can't even concentrate nor have I been able to since this all began. No focus on anything.....I keep busy, I'm going to the gym, going out with friends, family, you name it..but the entire time, my mind is elsewhere.....My therapist has told me to practice "controlling my thoughts", uh? Really, duh?? Of course, don't you think I know that? What I need to know is how in the world can I? I've kept busy, I can't fit anything else in my day? I'm a single mom with two kids (Hello, that's a job in itself). They are involved in everything and I participate in all of it. I work fulltime and luckily, my job keeps me busy enough...(I'm writing this during lunch), I also go to school two nights a week. In between all of that, I have to study, help my children with their studies, clean, cook, laundry and be the SUPER MOM at every school function on the planet....I mean really, I don't have any time to spare and yes, he is still tatooed (sp?) to my brain.....Oh, did I mention, I also have a part time job that I squeeze in the weekends too?

Please, help? Even if your advice is rough, I need to hear it....believe me I know I'm as dumb as a box of rocks to allow myself to repeatedly fall into this horrible hole!

I want to dig myself out of it for good this time, I can't stand feeling that I can't.

Feeling so hurt and empty right now....
Doves.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:39pm

doves6,
<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

Hi there little duracell bunny!!!
Wouldn't it be nice to meet a man that could maybe be involved in your life in a way that could lighten some of this load?
If you stay involved with a man that will never truly be 'yours' how will you be available when the right man that will has real genuine love and companionship to offer you comes along?
Think about it silly rabbit!!
~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:52pm

Thanks Nuttmeg,

You are BEYOND right and you know what depresses me even more.....1 yr after my D became final, a close friend of mine became even more. He was the sweetest, most caring man there was. We were together for 3 yrs and he loved my DD's dearly. He was kind and generous and helped me with everything!!

You know what I did!!?!? I cheated on him, yes, and then left him for this MM?! Talk about Karma huh? Not that it matters, but when MM came along, I thought he was in the "process" of a D.... Long, sad story...either way, I lost a great man, which still wants me back, and is asking me if I want him back....I still don't get why I wouldn't love that man with all my heart yet go after one that wouldn't?....but that's another thread that I won't bore you all with....

Thanks for the advice and yes, maybe I can move forward and actually have someone that wants/loves me as much as I do them...

Doves...aka...Energizer Bunny =)

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:56pm

Oh, Doves. i have always felt a comaradere (sp?) with you perhaps becuase of the similarities of our situations. My A seemed like less of a roller coaster than yours....but maybe after two years we just evened out some of the lowest lows and highest highs.

You do deserve a man who can be part of your life. You deserve a great M of yoru own after all you have been through. But you KNOW all that! There comes a time when we turn off the love portion of our A's. Not because we don't feel it as much or because our love isn't never ending. but because we are adults, and we can't live forever in a situation that doesn't serve our needs. mine tried to leave W twice for me, and he couldn't do it. Which is okay...22 years is a long time to be M to someone, and part of me is glad he coudln't leave that behind (glad for him, and them). But here i am. i have to accept this situation and be strong facing it, with him, to stop this R. It is not fair to me, it is not fair to his W, and he is hurting *everyone*.

Sator once wrote something on the MAS board that has always stuck with me: When someone has all the information, but still can't make a decision, he is a fence-sitter. Now, i hate that term, cuz it implies selfishness and i don't think your mm is trying to take from you and w, i think like mine was, he's simply torn. But it can't go on forever.

But hear this: Actions define priorites (my new motto).
Is he in your bed at night?
Is he filing for divorce?
IS he thinking (seriously) about getting back together w/ W?
How long has he had to "decide"?

You are either willing to wait for him, in which case *OWN* that deicsion and stop drowning in sadness, or you are NOT, in which case decide how you will end it and do so. i don't mean to over-simplify. But in the end, it is simple.

Actions define priorities...for YOU TOO. Put yourself and your children first.

Put some time between you and mm and then maybe you can think objectively about your single guy friend. And if not, send him my way ;)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:19pm

Jenn,

I feel like you've been one of the few here on this board to truly understand what I'm going through and thank you for always taking the time to respond to me.

Your right and I have known what I need to do. Everytime I have told myself to "wait" and "own" that decision, boy to I start to feel incredibly angry. So there it is,there is my answer as to what needs to be done. I will keep away this time and hope/pray that he doesn't call and that I don't breakdown either.

Funny thing is how he still to this day, (this morning as a matter of fact) he tells me that he knows he will end up with me, he just needs time. Well, I can't, not that it's been that long for me, it's been 8 mos and he went back home to try in Dec and left in Feb. It just feels like forever and I can't stop thinking "Hey, what if he decides to stay, then what??"

Either way, I can't live with the fact that I would be the reason to the end of a marriage, it's best this way. He needs to make his decision final on thier terms with me out of the picture...

He asked me to please be his friend and not ignore his calls, that I am the only one that truly understands him and that he can talk too. I told him that I can't, that doing so is causing me so much pain and anxiety, wished him luck and said good bye.

You do know I am sitting here dying to call and say, o.k., I'll be here for you! Sad, but I'll focus better minute by minute...

Hey, you never know, I might take you up on that!! My single xbf is really is a great guy and deserves a woman that will love him 100%, I know I can't give him that....

Thanks again Jenn {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Doves

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:46pm

i will always answer and i only understand cuz i have been there :)

You can do this.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 6:23pm

Bunny (now your labeled for life)

I think your going to find that a lot of the women posting here can identify with you lot in life, most have ended there affairs 5 or 6 times some many times more. BTDT

Think of yourself as a JUNKIE you will quit the DRUG when you hit rock bottom were ever that is for you and not before all the BLAH BLAH BLAH in the world will not change that.

I am getting the impression from your post that you are descending to rock bottom at a blazing speed and the impact will not be pretty. (oh was that a thud I just heard).

All kidding a side your right there is a reason your doing this and with time and patience and the help of your T you will root it out and deal with it.

Oh one thing SUPER WOMAN SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN OUT.

Free

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 6:30pm

i just had to add....don't hope and pray he won't call you again. If he can't get that this can't go on, and if you decide to end it, hoping and praying won't help. Plan what you will say when he calls or better yet don't answer. Try (it's hard) to put your emotions aside and think LOGICALLY. i know that sounds simple but sometimes we forget to keep it simple. i agree you need to slow down a little. A busy person is not necessarilly a healthy person.

shutting up now,
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:14pm

I am no expert, still struggling myself but I think it has to do with feeling powerless and being a victim. Everytime he initiated NC I struggled. Even though my mind knew what was right I still craved him. That created guilt and conflict in me. Once I decided to take a stand for myself, I felt so much different. NC for a few weeks and I started to get a clear enough vision to see how this messed up my mind. I still miss him and somehow wish that I could have that fantasy be real, but it's not.

I gave him my power and I finally took it back. It is a real addiction and hard to overcome but not impossible. Forgive yourself for how you feel and just accept it, instead of concentrating on him think of yourself. Treat yourself as your best friend. You are sooooooo worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 8:03am

Thank you all for your responses. It's so helpful to hear all of this. I just need your support and I know I can be strong, in the end. Right now, it's so hard.

He called numerous times yesterday and I managed to avoid most of them. The last call, I answered....I told him that if he truly loved/cared for me than he would respect my decision and give me my space. I reminded him that he knows what he needs to do if he truly wanted to be with me and that in the meantime, I am going on with my life, without any hope of "us" so that I can see clearly. He answered by telling me that he is terrified of losing me, I told him that he is just terrified of being alone and that is something he needs to deal with on his own...

I don't know if he will listen, but at least going forward, I really don't see any reason for me to answer his calls anymore. I say that, but I hope I can be strong enough and not answer.

Thanks again, you are all amazing and even though your going through your own hardships, you've taken the time to help me with mine and I am grateful for that!

{{{{{HUGS TO ALL}}}}}}}

Doves aka BUNNY!!!

PS
Your right, I feel like I'm burning out slowly but surely. I didn't sleep at all last night and I mean at all. Usually I get at least 3-4 hours but boy, last night was nothing. Now, I'm feeling a bit numb....oh well another day :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 1:14pm

Doves,

I went through burn out and it isn't pretty. I lost myself because I was doing so much for others and not myself. I hope that in your busy schedule you will find some time for yourself to do what YOU want and enjoy doing. It really makes a difference. You have to do it for yourself.

My xMM and I have had NC since nov. At that time I told him I couldn't stay in contact with him because it hurt so bad to talk/email him. I'm glad that he respected my wishes and didn't want to make it harder on me. I picked a date in my mind (March 1) that I wouldn't contact him again until that date. When that date came around, I didn't even feel like contacting him again because I had come sooooo far already and was doing much better. It's true, step back and give yourself time to see things more clearly. It's very difficult to do but in the end the rewards for yourself (and your kids) will be greater. I'm still in the process of "finding" myself but I'm having fun now doing it. Being in T helped a lot. My H finally agreed to go to T with me and it has made all the difference in our relationship. I had fallen out of love with him and seriously thought we would be working on a D this year. I'm still working on falling back in love with my H but I can feel it already happening. I think it took awhile for that to happen because xMM was on my mind and I still believed that we would be together. I needed to focus on my M and kids and MYSELF before I could see what was already in front of me.

Good luck. Go do something nice for yourself!

Dallas

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