Help me make it final this time, PLEASE!
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| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:02pm |
I've been back and forth, up and down..... Ending it, feeling strong and then falling right back, feeling like a complete idiot. PLEASE HELP!!
Free, go ahead, tell me all those things that I have already heard but just don't listen too!! Or, I do listen but then, there is that sad, dark, day that is disguised as bliss that makes me fall right back to where I absolutely DO NOT want to be!
I'm hurting, I've cried my eyes out for over a week.....again. I've been here before, it's my 3rd time!! When am I going to learn? I've even been the one to break it off, but then, he calls, or shows up or whatever and I allow it, deep down, I want it. For what though? I feel incredibly amazing when I hear his voice, talk to him, or get to have a few laughs with him, or hold him......but then, as soon as I hang up that phone, or close that door, or get in my car, I am left completely drenched in absolute pain and despair. I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not, it's exactly how I feel.
I've been in therapy for over a month or so, but not just for this A issue, personal ones as well. Obviously there is a deeper reason why I feel so weak within myself to not let this man go. I managed to get through my D and letting go of the father of my children for crying out loud? Why is it so hard to let this man go? He never belonged to me in the first place? He was NEVER mine, who was I kidding? Wow, did I hope, did I believe that yes, for sure we were meant to be and someday, we would end up together....Part of me actually still feels that way, what a joke I am?!
I have never felt so weak, I've managed to get through difficult times that were much harder than this? Now, I can't even concentrate nor have I been able to since this all began. No focus on anything.....I keep busy, I'm going to the gym, going out with friends, family, you name it..but the entire time, my mind is elsewhere.....My therapist has told me to practice "controlling my thoughts", uh? Really, duh?? Of course, don't you think I know that? What I need to know is how in the world can I? I've kept busy, I can't fit anything else in my day? I'm a single mom with two kids (Hello, that's a job in itself). They are involved in everything and I participate in all of it. I work fulltime and luckily, my job keeps me busy enough...(I'm writing this during lunch), I also go to school two nights a week. In between all of that, I have to study, help my children with their studies, clean, cook, laundry and be the SUPER MOM at every school function on the planet....I mean really, I don't have any time to spare and yes, he is still tatooed (sp?) to my brain.....Oh, did I mention, I also have a part time job that I squeeze in the weekends too?
Please, help? Even if your advice is rough, I need to hear it....believe me I know I'm as dumb as a box of rocks to allow myself to repeatedly fall into this horrible hole!
I want to dig myself out of it for good this time, I can't stand feeling that I can't.
Feeling so hurt and empty right now....
Doves.....

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{{{{{{{{{{{{Doves}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} first i wanted to hug ya cuz...damn girl..the description of your busy life exhausted and well ..frankly shamed me LOL.
Second...I want you to know..the CHEMICALS in your body haven't worked out yet. THEY WILL I PROMISE. This will get better. I do NOT diminish what you are feeling one iota. It was even sad to me to think that i will not be "feeling" so intensley..i even had to grieve that (is that insane or common..dunno)
I promise you sweetone...it will get better...i am sorry you have to go through it. Most of us do...i am just so grateful for this and the other board to know I am not completely WACKED out of my mind for the things I think and feel.
You all have no idea how alone i am in this big ol' world, i am so damn lucky that the internet was invented just from the strength and knowledge ive been able to garnish here.
Friends dont understand and most are not close enough or have heard "enough" ...can't talk about it any longer. I suffer alone but not nearly as bad as i couldve had it not been for all of you. God, to think about that...makes me shiver...had I not had a resource or outlet...(scary).
Feeling grateful, lil sad but oh so much more comforted by you all today, and I know in about 10 minutes i will feel ok again because of you all =)
Lizzie
GREAT post Dallas. I happy to see how far you have come and how you are already reaping the rewards of NC. It does work, and your words say it all.
The best to you and yours,
Id
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