help me, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
help me, please
19
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 10:22am

I am sitting here wrapped in unbearable sadness. Everything hurts. I'm trying not to cry. I am such a screwed up mess.

I am so ashamed, I feel sick. My H has done nothing but love me for all these years. We have hurt each other in different ways but he never deserved what I have done.

I am scared of the work ahead and what I might discover and the outcome of it all. I wish it would all just go away and I could be like I was before the A. Except, obviously, I was a mess then, too.

It hurts so bad.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 10:31am
Alwayst, big hugs to you. If you need to cry let it out, let the feelings wash over you then do something for you. Go for a walk, get some calming tea or have a warm bubble bath. The hard work will give you peace, you will get there. Be good to yourself and know you are changing for a healthier you. You will love so much with an open heart:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 10:48am
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:02am

First, I'm sending you some ((HUGS)). I know it hurts, honey. Ride this wave out the best that you can. A good cry may be in order...

It sounds to me like your rose-colored gossamer goggles have just dropped from your face. What you are seeing at the moment is all of the destruction your A has left in it's wake, and it's not pretty. Reality has finally hit you right between the eyes and of course, that is going to be very scary. Here's the thing though. Being afraid of what lies ahead and/or what work needs to be done will only keep you in lock down. This is the time for you to escape the A prison and not worry about what lays outside of it's walls. You are free now to take whatever road you choose, so this needs to be looked upon as an adventure, not as fear of the unknown.

Whatever is discovered in the days/months ahead about yourself, know that they are lessons that the universe wants you to learn. Those of us who have been out in the real world for a year or more know how much better knowing the truth about ourselves is, rather than to hanging onto those lies about ourselves. Yep, we were a mess before the A and for some time afterwards we are/were still dragging around our crap, but the good news is that we can clean up real nice if we give ourselves a chance. Try to embrace what lays ahead instead of fighting it. You will make things much easier on yourself.

(((Hugs)) and hope the day gets better for you.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:10am

Just cry alwayst, and let it all out.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:33am
Thank you, Iddy and my other EAS sisters. I really appreciate the love and support.

The rose colored glasses are off. There are several reasons I entered into the A with him, but I clearly see the biggest reason I used him and the A was that it provided some fun and excitement and escape. That's the biggest thing.

I have set myself free from that prison, Iddy. I am not even sad about the end of the A. I am sad about the effed up mess I am. How I got here. What I need to do to get better. How I can have an honest RL with DH when I'm keeping this kind of horrible secret. It all hurts too much.

I do know that if I don't really get the root of my problems, I will be susceptible to another A. This was not my first. But I don't want to be the kind of unhealthy person who thinks the solutions to problems can be found in the arms of someone other than my H.

Thank you all so very much for chiming right in and lifting me up. I really need you today.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:48am
I was referring to the prison we created for ourselves by "having" an A in the first place, not the A itself. That is what I meant by the "crap" that follows us around in the aftermath. Setting ourselves free from "those" prison walls is what takes work, and fearing what needs to be done will only keep you stuck behind them.

I hope this makes more sense to you now. Are you in T? If not, get some. The root to your problems will hopefully be uncovered through some counseling.

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 12:11pm

(((HUGS)))

It’s scary when we realize we have run out of rope and we see the only route out of the mess is to let go of the rope that we once thought was a life line and look down at the drop we must take to get back on solid ground.

It’s the letting go combined with not knowing what to expect on the decent back to reality, not knowing where exactly we will land on the solid ground and how much the impact will hurt that makes it very scary indeed. Someone saying but you will be in a healthier place—better place does not make the letting go any less frightening.

Like all the feelings we experience after ending, you must work through these. These are actually really important ones.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 12:17pm
BIG hugs to you!! It is so good to allow your emotions to surface, like a purging of all the stuff inside. You are making such HUGE steps in your recovery process and I want to let you know that I am benefitting greatly from the things you post here. The pain is sometimes so incredibly intense - why we allowed ourselves to be a part of these A's is beyond me, but that is not what is important. What IS important is YOU!!! You have so much in your life to be thankful for - be thankful you are taking the steps necessary to get the healing you so deserve!!! You are a special person. :) And I know, no matter how painful, you will make it through this and get to the point where you can look forward and not despair...not holding on to the past but only to view it as a stepping stone to the future. A future filled with a confident you, a stronger you. I just got done with an hour of counseling therapy - my sadness is still very much with me and I have alot of work to do on me, but it really helps when I can encourage someone else in their journey. More hugs, Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 12:23pm

Alwayst,

It's a post like this that keeps me on EAS, oh, besides the fact that I still need it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 12:36pm

((((((Alwayst))))))

I know very well of the feelings you speak of.

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