help me, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
help me, please
19
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 10:22am

I am sitting here wrapped in unbearable sadness. Everything hurts. I'm trying not to cry. I am such a screwed up mess.

I am so ashamed, I feel sick. My H has done nothing but love me for all these years. We have hurt each other in different ways but he never deserved what I have done.

I am scared of the work ahead and what I might discover and the outcome of it all. I wish it would all just go away and I could be like I was before the A. Except, obviously, I was a mess then, too.

It hurts so bad.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 12:55pm

Always -

I'm here for you too :)

<<>>

Why? Cry until your gut hurts. You will feel better getting it out. It's all part of the process. You said that you wish you could be like you were before the A, but you were a mess then too. I know exactly how you feel. But trust me, when you get past these horrible, raw feelings you will see the positive ways this has changed you. I wouldn't want to go back to the life I had 8 years ago. I don't want to be that person. I have been hurt like a mother f-er, and I have been through hell, but I have learned SO much. And I AM a better person for it. Trust me and everyone else here that has lived to tell about it :)

(((hugs)))

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 1:13pm

Wallow over!


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 2:55pm

((((((((ALWAYS))))))))))))))

Ohhh it's time like these, that I wish I was close enough to really BE THERE for you - so you could just Get it out, Cry - and be nurtured and calmed that it's all going to be ok.

I think you expressed SO WELL...and in your pain....that you're REALLY HURTING because of "WHO" you realize yourself to be [ at this point in time ] <---- there's comfort in that.

It's a double edged sword - the pain of taking all this responsibility on yourself for your choices and realizing - Yikes...Im kinda NOT all that (to a degree). On one hand - it hurts to realize you're not who you thought you were, not someone who's ACTIONS you're proud of. On the other - it's FREEING to be at this point because THANK GOD! You're seeing it - NOW you've got the opportunity to CHANGE it.

In all the grieving of the ending - I think grieving ourselves - who we thought we were - our image of ourselves - maybe our "false self" is a part of all the sadness.

Now, I can't relate entirely to the sadness over the pain you feel you caused your H - but...when I started facing who I was that led me into the a and who I became in it...I sat and BAWLED MY EYES OUT from my CORE - to my middle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 6:55pm

Checkin back in ((((Always))))))))

How are you feeling now, later in the day?

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 8:43pm

Yes how are you doing now?

You got so many beautiful responses today:

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 9:55pm
Dear Always,

I know this might seem like strange advice, but embrace the pain. In our affairs we were so outta touch with reality, with our true emotions, that most of us walked around purposely NOT feeling. We would stuff down all those awful feelings by chasing that elusive high we get from the affair. We fly high and crash low. But instead of stopping the awful hurt by ending our affairs, we keep chasing that high ... around and around we go. Then when we finally say enough, and we actually face the destruction we have caused, it hurts and yet we chose NOT to hide. That is growth. Facing the hurt, dealing with the consequences is how we regain our dignity and seek forgiveness without ourselves. I caused much damage to my family so I do know pain. I have hurt my children and my partner, and all of our families who are deeply impacted by our separation ... however with their love and continuous support we are all healing. We are loving and kind to one another. No need to create further pain. We're human and we hurt one another. Never intentionally. There is wellness at the end of this dark journey. The pain will ease us Always. Embrace the pain, ask yourself what you need to learn from the feeling, and then release yourself from your shame. You are not the same person that behaved so hurtfully in the affair. You are making better choices. You can't go back, none of us can. We can only make a difference in our lives today.

Makes those choices count.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:27pm

Good evening Always (or most likely morning by the time you read this),

I am late responding but wanted to add my deep sympathy for the hurt that you encountered today (or yesterday...damn it I got to get better at finding some time during the day to respond).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 10-28-2010 - 6:36am

You all are simply amazing. Here I am, a stranger, and you've all answered my plea for help while you, too, are all suffering your own pain. What an

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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