Help me stay player free!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Help me stay player free!
2
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:02am
Hi! I feel like so many of you are in the same situation as me. I started my A w/ a single guy in my office a year and a half ago. My marriage was in a crappy place and the attention and the excitement of the A after being married to the same man for over 6 yrs. At the time we had an emotional connection, but he knew that i was not going to leave my H for him and I knew that he would still be with other women. I mean how could I justify the fact that i was still sleeping with my husband but tell my lover he had to be faithful to me?So it just basically became sexual. The affair was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me,but also has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. We started out hot and heavy, fooling around in the office, after work whenever i could sneak out to meet him. I felt so sexy and fun. But then it started to die down after about 5 months, i knew he was going after other chicks on the sly, hell i knew a few that he would date that came in our office. But this whole time i still wanted him and would be there whenever he called, or e-mailed me, i turned myself into this 24-7 sex goddess. I think about all the time i spent shaving my legs, working out, fixing myself up into this thing i thought would make him want me more. I'm not overweight but i lost 15 lbs in 2 months b/cause i thought he would think i was sexier and want me more! SAD! I took so much time away from my husband and son and everyone else i knew to sneak! And all for what? He never respected me, he used me to get off once or twice a week! The worst part is that he swore to me through our whole relationship that he never told anyone. But after he was fired from our co. and then i quit shortly after one of his friends told all of the men in the office everything! He told about all the racy e-mails we sent each other, he told about all the intimate details of what we had done. You would think that right there, that kick to my reputation would have given me enough self-respect to say Enough! but no, if he emailed or called i was still back for more. Does it sound like i just really hate myself? So now I try so hard to realize that i was just used by a player, but i cant get him out of my head. I have not made contact with him in over 3 weeks and no sex in like 6 or 7. But now i just feel shattered by the whole thing. I am realizing all the strain i've put on myself and my marriage and the time spent away sneaking i can't get back. It's hard b/cause the business we are in seems like everyone knows everyone else and i can't just get away from his name or people he knows. I want to forget it all and just move on. I can't stop crying! I guess i'm just happy that i could write this all out and share and if anyone has any words of encouragement to stay player free that would be welcomed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:04pm

Hello nuttmeg!


I believe that we would all like to stay player free!

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:20pm

UHG,
Thanks so much for your response. I was starting to feel like no-one was relating to me after not getting any responses. I did read something you had posted awhile back and i did feel a connection with our situations. You are really tough to be able to still work with him and keep your head up every day. These last few days have been really tough for me even though i really don't have to see him or talk to him at all, i cant shake him from my brain. I know in my heart that he is bad for me and is only causing me pain but damn it- i have to convince my head too. I was doing o.k until one of our mutual friends said she saw him and then my mind was racing with wondering how he was, and if he asked about me, yada yada yada and i've been bummed ever since. Thanks again for your time!
WE CAN GET PAST THIS!
Thanks,
Meg