Help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Help me understand
21
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:03am
For those of you who have had affairs I need your help. My H is currently having a very strong emotional affair with another woman. It seems from what I have read that he is the one feeling this way and she although cares about him as a friend has someone in her life and does not want to upset that. They still see eachother though and she is keeping him at bay but he is continuing to persue and tells her he would give up everything for her if she would have him. (Boy does that hurt). We have had the most incredible 14 yrs together and this has truely come out of nowhere. Something is going on for him and we have started counseling and I hope this will come out and we can work on it.

My question is.. you have all been in his shoes -under the influence of the fantasy feelings the attention those emotional highs.. When you were feeling that way and if you were feeling like you would give it all up to be with that person, Was there anything that your spouse could have done or said to break that spell and help you realize what you would be losing? I am feeling pretty desperate here as I know he is not thinking clearly. Please help me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:26am
Being on the other side of your problem, I have to say there is probably nothing you could do besides give him a piece of what it would be like to not have you in his life. Why are you putting up with it, if you know he's still persuing her?? He needs to decide that he needs help, and he needs to decide whether he wants to fix his marriage, no-one else can decide that for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:10am
metoo -

First of all I am sorry that you have to deal with this.

Let me say that what I felt with my XMM was unbelievable passion - I don't think anyone can begin to understand it unless they've ever felt it. I wanted my husband to be more affectionate with me, more romantic, etc. but I don't know if that would have had any affect on the way I felt toward XMM.

Do you have children? If you do he needs to consider what leaving you would do to them.

Does he need sexual excitement?

Affairs are truely ADDICTING. I was addicted to my XMM and he was to me.

I was able to put and end to this because I am not comfortable with the whole deceit, lying, etc. The only way to break the addiciton is going COLD TURKEY.

All I can say from my experience is that I wanted to experience true passion (as selfish as that is) and I did - then I got out.

Good luck to you.

It is a good sign, being in counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:07pm
You're absolutely right that he's not thinking clearly. I assume that your H already knows the harm he's causing and the possible results. He's taking a risk here, and IMHO, it has nothing to do with you. This is about HIM. It's about him filling a void that exists in his life, and that doesn't mean that something is lacking in your marriage either. It may be that he has an unresolved need for excitement or something like that, and you probably can't bring/revive a similar type of excitement in a marriage.

I was in a relationship with a MM for almost 2 years. We were both married. I love my H very much. I got alot of individual counseling and finally got to the root of what was causing my obsession with this other man. Once I understood what was driving my actions, I understood how to go about separating from the OMM and rebuilding my marriage. And if its any consolation, we are back together and very happy.

So I guess if there was anything at all you could say or do to impress upon your H how much this situation is hurting you, it would be just to explore whether or not he would consider some counseling to better understand his feelings for this OW. If you spend any time on this board, you will likely see that for the majority of us, it's not at all about being truly in love with the other person. For whatever reason, many of us are just not thinking clearly, and you already recognized about your H.

Best, best of luck to you honey! Hang in there, it CAN be done! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:35pm
Thank you for your responses. We are going to counseling. We had two sessions and he has not admitted anything about how he feels about her, he keeps saying just friends even in the face of all the signals he has been giving out and they are many and obvious. The therapist saw me alone this week and will see him next week. My only hope is that he will be open to discussing this all with her as I won't be there and maybe he can work through it with her. We had that passion when we were first together so I do understand it --that is why I think I am tolerating it.. it has not gone beyond the emotional part (yet) as so I feel there is some hope-- but I am so afraid that he won't realize in time what he is risking..right now he just does not care ... I guess it feels too good. I am going to try and stick it out and see what therapy does and in the meantime do what I need to do to take care of myself.. I love my husband with all my heart and there was a time not that long ago he would have said the same but now he does not even see me and if anything its hard for him to be around me because I am not her.. I can sense that. I do know this is about him and something he is missing --he so much as said so --From what I am aware she does not return the feelings and so I think now he is just depressed like any jilted lover ..and here I am chopped liver .. So its tough..anyway if anyone has any other thoughts I would appreciate it ..I am just trying to hold on..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:49pm
ivmetoo

Is there any way this woman would agree to enforcing no contact with your husband, his head is not going to clear if he is spending time with her.

Is he at an age to have a mid life crisis ?

You may have to be prepared to knock him off the fence by putting a price tag on his actions, if he is not feeling like this is costing him anything way should he stop.

GOOD LUCK

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 12:34am
Hiya ivmetoo,

Well, try printing this off and handing it to him to read. He won't like it, simply because it focuses the mind on the consequences of our actions rather than the feel-good aspects of our affairs, but it may be the jolt he needs to wake up & smell the coffee. Whether or not you have children, it's still relevant and certainly worth a try.

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14261.1

Let us know how you get on, honey, and best of luck to you.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 9:47am

Hi iv,


I know that you love your husband dearly and don't want your marriage to end but if he is still in contact with her, he may be going to counseling to appease you and not because he is seeking help for himself or for your marriage.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 10:18am
Well he does not know I "know" persay as in have proof of his feelings for her...its all been his behaviors which are obvious -yet he still denies. The OW has been setting boundries with him and I don't think she wants to be involved in this ..she was his friend has a life, boyfriend she is contented with but my H has been continuing to persue and my feeling is that she may weaken at some point and then its over..Right now he is walking around grieving for her and its so hard to watch..I always know when he has had contact with her as his mood improves significantly. He may be going to counseling to appease me but as the therapist is seeing us separate for a few times she will have a chance to find that out and help me decide how to deal with it. She agrees with me that he is going through something and that if he can work it through in counseling we have a chance. I want to call the OW but know that if my H found out that would be it for any chance for us working this out and staying together. It would be my controlling the situation and his life and he would just use that as a reason to leave anyway.. the reality is he has to make the choice to be with me and not with her and realize this is a fantasy and not real. What is real is us for better or worse and most has been for better thats the hard thing about it. If there are unresolved issues that he never brought up to me I think we deserve a chance to work on them. You are right re: the No Contact but there is little I can do if he continues to contact her except say I am leaving or he should leave--also I have no proof he is seeing her except that I know from his moods --and if I check his emails it will tell me so. Again, I know he is betraying me but if he knew I read the emails again invasion of privacy, ect.. I may not be handling this in the best way but when I asked the therapist what if he continues to see her she just shrugged as if .. hold on, there is not much you can do. I would like to be in control of the situtation, but I am not and that is where I feel powerless to do much.. in the end even if I contacted her and she just stopped contact with him.. and he found out. that would be it for us anyway so I think I am just going to have to ride this out. The letter on adultry was great..right now .. that is not something I can give him.. he has not had any physical contact with her and although we know emotional affairs are still cheating he does not see it that way and feels he has done nothing wrong.. meaning he has not slept with her... Its all so complicated and so different for each person I guess as we all have different ways we react to things..I also think he is so self absorbed and depressed that I am sure he will not be very receptive to it. I think the therapist will point out to him all that he will be losing if he continues. If not maybe I can say it to him --he has been away for the past few days at a family thing (its a real family thing.I am sure) and won't be back for a few more. Although we talk everyday ..I can hear the depression in his voice and the only thing that will make that better is him talking to her. Someone was saying that perhaps when he comes back he will realize how much he missed me... I think he is missing her more than me and that will only make things worse. Oh well this is my life now and I will have to deal with it. I wish I could say I was dealing with it well but I am not.. I can't eat, sleep or think much .. I cry all the time .. I want it all to end one way or the other so I can move on.. but I need to hold on a bit longer..in case we can work through this. Am I crazy, wasting my time??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 11:26am

"I think he is missing her more than me and that will only make things worse. Oh well this is my life now and I will have to deal with it. I wish I could say I was dealing with it well but I am not.. I can't eat, sleep or think much .. I cry all the time .. I want it all to end one way or the other so I can move on.. but I need to hold on a bit longer..in case we can work through this. Am I crazy, wasting my time??"

Meetoo, I feel your anguish through your words, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 1:03pm
hi there Iv--

Something for you to ask about at counseling: Would a trial separation wake up your H to the importance of the decision he has to make -- whether to keep the life he has or to make the break? he can't have it both ways and he has to decide. I have never been in your situation, but if I knew my H had feelings for someone else, I would want to separate for a bit to give us both a chance to consider our lives and our choices very carefully.

This situation is driving you crazy, and that makes it tough to live your life in a normal way, so maybe at some point a separation would help.

I hope for your sake it won't come to that. I hope you guys can sit down and talk about your feelings and what you each want for the future. Maybe a weekend away with one of those do-it-yourself marriage retreat books???

Best of luck to you!

Meg

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