Help me understand
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Help me understand
| Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:03am |
For those of you who have had affairs I need your help. My H is currently having a very strong emotional affair with another woman. It seems from what I have read that he is the one feeling this way and she although cares about him as a friend has someone in her life and does not want to upset that. They still see eachother though and she is keeping him at bay but he is continuing to persue and tells her he would give up everything for her if she would have him. (Boy does that hurt). We have had the most incredible 14 yrs together and this has truely come out of nowhere. Something is going on for him and we have started counseling and I hope this will come out and we can work on it.
My question is.. you have all been in his shoes -under the influence of the fantasy feelings the attention those emotional highs.. When you were feeling that way and if you were feeling like you would give it all up to be with that person, Was there anything that your spouse could have done or said to break that spell and help you realize what you would be losing? I am feeling pretty desperate here as I know he is not thinking clearly. Please help me
My question is.. you have all been in his shoes -under the influence of the fantasy feelings the attention those emotional highs.. When you were feeling that way and if you were feeling like you would give it all up to be with that person, Was there anything that your spouse could have done or said to break that spell and help you realize what you would be losing? I am feeling pretty desperate here as I know he is not thinking clearly. Please help me

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First of all I am sorry that you have to deal with this.
Let me say that what I felt with my XMM was unbelievable passion - I don't think anyone can begin to understand it unless they've ever felt it. I wanted my husband to be more affectionate with me, more romantic, etc. but I don't know if that would have had any affect on the way I felt toward XMM.
Do you have children? If you do he needs to consider what leaving you would do to them.
Does he need sexual excitement?
Affairs are truely ADDICTING. I was addicted to my XMM and he was to me.
I was able to put and end to this because I am not comfortable with the whole deceit, lying, etc. The only way to break the addiciton is going COLD TURKEY.
All I can say from my experience is that I wanted to experience true passion (as selfish as that is) and I did - then I got out.
Good luck to you.
It is a good sign, being in counseling.
I was in a relationship with a MM for almost 2 years. We were both married. I love my H very much. I got alot of individual counseling and finally got to the root of what was causing my obsession with this other man. Once I understood what was driving my actions, I understood how to go about separating from the OMM and rebuilding my marriage. And if its any consolation, we are back together and very happy.
So I guess if there was anything at all you could say or do to impress upon your H how much this situation is hurting you, it would be just to explore whether or not he would consider some counseling to better understand his feelings for this OW. If you spend any time on this board, you will likely see that for the majority of us, it's not at all about being truly in love with the other person. For whatever reason, many of us are just not thinking clearly, and you already recognized about your H.
Best, best of luck to you honey! Hang in there, it CAN be done! Love, Mo.
Is there any way this woman would agree to enforcing no contact with your husband, his head is not going to clear if he is spending time with her.
Is he at an age to have a mid life crisis ?
You may have to be prepared to knock him off the fence by putting a price tag on his actions, if he is not feeling like this is costing him anything way should he stop.
GOOD LUCK
Free
Well, try printing this off and handing it to him to read. He won't like it, simply because it focuses the mind on the consequences of our actions rather than the feel-good aspects of our affairs, but it may be the jolt he needs to wake up & smell the coffee. Whether or not you have children, it's still relevant and certainly worth a try.
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14261.1
Let us know how you get on, honey, and best of luck to you.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Hi iv,
I know that you love your husband dearly and don't want your marriage to end but if he is still in contact with her, he may be going to counseling to appease you and not because he is seeking help for himself or for your marriage.
"I think he is missing her more than me and that will only make things worse. Oh well this is my life now and I will have to deal with it. I wish I could say I was dealing with it well but I am not.. I can't eat, sleep or think much .. I cry all the time .. I want it all to end one way or the other so I can move on.. but I need to hold on a bit longer..in case we can work through this. Am I crazy, wasting my time??"
Meetoo, I feel your anguish through your words, I am so sorry you are going through this.
Something for you to ask about at counseling: Would a trial separation wake up your H to the importance of the decision he has to make -- whether to keep the life he has or to make the break? he can't have it both ways and he has to decide. I have never been in your situation, but if I knew my H had feelings for someone else, I would want to separate for a bit to give us both a chance to consider our lives and our choices very carefully.
This situation is driving you crazy, and that makes it tough to live your life in a normal way, so maybe at some point a separation would help.
I hope for your sake it won't come to that. I hope you guys can sit down and talk about your feelings and what you each want for the future. Maybe a weekend away with one of those do-it-yourself marriage retreat books???
Best of luck to you!
Meg
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