Help me understand
Find a Conversation
Help me understand
| Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:03am |
For those of you who have had affairs I need your help. My H is currently having a very strong emotional affair with another woman. It seems from what I have read that he is the one feeling this way and she although cares about him as a friend has someone in her life and does not want to upset that. They still see eachother though and she is keeping him at bay but he is continuing to persue and tells her he would give up everything for her if she would have him. (Boy does that hurt). We have had the most incredible 14 yrs together and this has truely come out of nowhere. Something is going on for him and we have started counseling and I hope this will come out and we can work on it.
My question is.. you have all been in his shoes -under the influence of the fantasy feelings the attention those emotional highs.. When you were feeling that way and if you were feeling like you would give it all up to be with that person, Was there anything that your spouse could have done or said to break that spell and help you realize what you would be losing? I am feeling pretty desperate here as I know he is not thinking clearly. Please help me
My question is.. you have all been in his shoes -under the influence of the fantasy feelings the attention those emotional highs.. When you were feeling that way and if you were feeling like you would give it all up to be with that person, Was there anything that your spouse could have done or said to break that spell and help you realize what you would be losing? I am feeling pretty desperate here as I know he is not thinking clearly. Please help me

Pages
Thanks for your reply. It might come to that. He has been away for family reasons for the past few days and the next few and I must say as much as I miss him and as hard as it is.. its easier in some ways because its not always in my face and i am not constantly exposed to his sudden unaffectionate manner. I want him to hug and kiss me as he always did, I want him to put his arms around me when we watch TV as he always did. Now if I want affection I have to initiate and he will hug me but not like usual.. Its so painful even in the way he talks to me its as if he so detached .. its scary ..he has totally attached to her and so I guess I am trying to keep some connection going until we have had a chance to talk this through in counseling which is going to take a bit of time. So this is what I am living with right now and I don't know how long I can hold on. But he does need to make a decision..He is so depressed right now I am afraid to push him for one because in his current state of mind -confusion and total infatuation with her I think he might make the wrong choice. If he has some time to think about it, and process it with a clear head he might realize all he will be losing and what this crush is all about for him. He still may choose to leave but at least I will feel that he did it with a clear head and with understanding. So I think it may come to a separation but I am hoping that we can work this out before that happens. In the meantime I am trying to stay strong. I have lost 13 lbs (and thats not good for me- I look terrible) I can't sleep, eat and cry all the time. I have dark circles under my eyes and well I am not a pretty sight ==certainly not in any shape to compete with this younger prettier woman (I am not unattractive but right now feel so). I am trying to start to do things for myself and force myself to eat. Sleep is harder. I am exercising to reduce some of the stress and just hanging in there..Its just soo hard and I feel for all those on this board.
I hope it all works out for you the way you want it to. I know this: you deserve better than you are getting right now. It's tough to love someone that isn't responding in the way you need them to. If he isn't able to make you happy again, you deserve to get to the point in life that you can be happy without him. I hope it doesn't come to that, and I hope you can work through things without a separation. But a separation may be what he needs to see what he will be missing -- a woman who loves him unconditionally and wants him to be happy. That is pretty rare, and I hope he realizes it before it's too late. He certainly can't expect you to wait around forever for him to get his act ogether :-)
I wish you the best!!
Keep us posted!
Meg
There is something in his self-doubts that is leading him to desire this fantasy life. For me it was fear of growing old and not having had the "soulmate" experience. I had the stereotypical midlife crisis. It is almost too embarrassing to admit it. My husband is a very affectionate man whose hobbies are not of interest to me. He also has a much lower sex drive. But other than those two differences we are very compatible and he is very loving. But I took that gap and created a huge fantasy to fill it. I created a lover that would share my interests and together we would fulfill one another in a way that my husband and I could never do. I'm glad you don't know me because this is the most embarrassing thing to have to disclose about myself. Who did I think I was? A Harlequin romance heroinne? And what is most laughable about the situation is that the man I chose to have the emotional affair doesn't even share my interests. The real part of him that was in this fantasy was he is intelligent and handsome. The rest of him I recreated in my mind to fit the fantasy. Even the sexual part of him I recreated. In reality, he was interested but intimidated by sex.
Now to your question. What can you do to bring him out of this fog? You have to get him to talking about his fantasies. At this point in life, what is it that he thought he would have or where would he be that he feels is missing from his life? Remember this is about the fantasy, not the woman. Ignore his feelings regarding her because they aren't really about her in the first place. Find out what he is really longing to have. Try asking him to tell you if he could recreate his life without hurting anyone in it, what decisions would he have done differently. If my husband had asked me this, I would have answered that I wish I had found a partner that shared my interests and was more sexually driven to be with me. I would have answered that I would have liked to have a lifestyle where my partner and I had more fun together. These are fantasies of mine. We could have worked together to either help me realize that these fantasies are not really that necessary in my life or to work together to create in our life. The point being that we could have worked together. He might could have played the male role in my fantasy or maybe by sharing it, I would have realized that I was acting like that Harlequin romance heroinne? If you manage to do this, please don't discount his fantasy. He really believes it is what he needs. Work with him to find a resolution.
Good luck! And by the way, how dare he do this to you! I feel indignant that he is doing this although I did it too. Those of us in the fog don't see too clearly.
Thanks for your post it gives me hope which I so desperately need right now. I will try your suggestion and see if that helps. I have been trying to talk with him about whats going on in a general way because the subject of her is so loaded we are keeping it for the therapists office. He has not admitted to the depth of his feelings for her so its hard to discuss. We have talked a bit recently where he did say that what was going on for him was his issue not about me. I think he feels he is missing something and yes he has created a fantasy woman. He has known her now for a few years and so she is not so unknown to him and they have spent a lot of time together over the last year. I know they have talked a lot and since that has been happening I have been noticing a gradual distancing from me. Not as many long talks as we used to have.. not as affectionate..not as interested in sex. I know things have not gone beyond the emotional stage but if she would give him the nod at this point I think he would go for it and leave me in the dust and its so not like him. He would talk distastfully of other men who have done such things. He has been away for the past few days and we have talked a few times. He sounds so depressed. I do believe he loves me and is just confused. I think he is going through exactly what you did mid life crisis..the therapist thinks thats possible too. I will try to do as you suggested and see if that helps. I think I can get him to talk to me but how to crush the fantasy so he does not see her as he did before might be harder. Thank you for sharing your experience.. hopefully you have helped anothers marriage by it. Bless you
Search and read Riverguy's posts on this board. He was in a EA for 7 years. It never turned physical. When his EA partner divorced, he got scared about his ability to stay out of a physical affair. He stopped the EA and then chronicled his recovering on this board. He was very depressed during the year it took him to recover from this EA. But recently he posted how he has reclaimed his marriage. He posted that he never loved his EA partner. He had just weaved a fantasy to fit his needs at the time using bits and pieces of her to provide himself with a leading lady.
We are two examples of people who had EAs and how they are merely fantasies regardless of how well we knew our EA partners. You don't need to search your husband for indications of his feelings for HER. You need to search for his feelings that are leading to him creating a fantasy life for himself. Trust me, she is not the threat. If she wasn't in the picture, he would have just found someone else. He needed a face to model his fantasy woman after. What role does this fantasy woman play in your husband's life? What does he think he is needing? How do you become the lead female player in the fantasy? Or how does he go about letting go of the fantasy? These are the things you should be concerned with. SHE is not important. Please trust me on this one. I no longer even think about my EA partner. Until I read your post, I had almost forgot he even existed in any significant way in my life.
You are now ready for part 2 of the Jeze Goes Insane saga. So I have this EA with a man who I can't have. He isn't going to cheat with me. I find myself another man who will have an affair with me. But I couldn't turn him into MrFantasy. He just didn't fit the mold. But I go ahead and have a physical affair with him. I suspect my behavior at home changes during these affairs. It is hard to juggle two and three men (the EA didn't end at the time the PA began). And I suspect my husband becomes suspicious regarding the changes in my behavior. He decides he is going to hold onto me. He starts spending more time with me, he frequently becomes nostalgic about our past, and he starts initiating frequent sex with me. Voila the next thing you know and I'm hopelessly in love with my husband and no longer want MrFantasy 1 or 2. By this time I have already ended the EA and now I end the PA. My husband and I are working on rebuilding.
The sexy clothes is probably the "piece" of this woman that is putting the face on your husband's fantasy leading lady. There may be a few other bits and pieces of her that are included in his fantasy. Please don't think you have to change your personality to suit his bits and pieces of a fantasy. What I'm suggesting you do is take his fantasy seriously. My husband didn't become the fantasy man I had envisioned. What he did was take my needs seriously, no matter how foolish they were. Sometimes those of us lost in a fog need a beacon of light to guide us. We need to know that no matter how lost we become that our beacon will take our state of mind seriously and work with us to see things more clearly.
For me, the only thing that my H could have done to get me off of the A would have been for him to discover it and kick me out of the house. But everyone is different. To me, it sounds like your biggest hurdle is the fact that your H is in denial about the fact that his EA is a "real" affair and that it is harming you and your marriage... He needs to read "Why you don't have to have sex to cheat", http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/debate/emotional/articles/0,,368365_368488,00.html a link which I posted last week for much different reasons.
Even if he comes to his senses and decides to end the EA once and for all, don't expect him to get over it overnight. This board is a testament to the difficult emotional work it takes to get over an affair. When he does want to start working on it, the most important thing for you to demand is NO CONTACT with the other woman. An alcoholic cannot become a social drinker; trying to remain friends with this fantasy person he is addicted to will make it all the harder for him to recover.
Good luck!!!!
To Maybekatie--thanks for the link and the statement about don't expect him to get over it right away.. you hit the nail on the head for me.. my difficulty in tolerating my anxiety and fear about him leaving me has made me want this over yesterday and I have to remember to be patient. My only hope is therapy and I say that becasue I totally agree about the no contact rule but if I say that to him he will feel as if I am controlling him and it will lead to another rift as I think this control thing is something that is coming to the surface that we never explored before. I may be controlling by being helpful this is something I just read and thought perhaps that is something I am not aware of and neither is he. I do a lot for him. But he does for me too so I don't know. Any way if the therapist can point out the no contact if he even admits to the EA (thats the first part) then we got a shot at him hearing it.
I always fear the unknow (I guess we all do) so I am so very afraid and I think all I can do is plan for how to take care of me if this does not work out and think about what I want in my life.
You said don't expect him to get over it right away. OK this I understand so I am not bringing anything up just yet. Its been about 3 weeks since this all escalated and I think she has said no so he is trying to deal with it. I know we need to get it out in the open but in his current state I am not sure its the best time for bringing it all up -his hurt is too fresh. But when do you think you would have been ready to talk?
Pages