Help me to understand, advice needed
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Help me to understand, advice needed
| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 3:33pm |
I have been around this board for awhile. Meefree and Noregretsever probably remember me. Let me give a short recap of my story and then I'll tell you my problem. Ex-OM and I work together. Our EMA started in 1998 and ended in 2000. OM is black and I am white. Ours was mostly an emotional EMA. We had sex twice and then OM wanted to end the sex part of it because it made it too difficult for the both of us. We fell hard for each other and we connected so well. We actually became closer after we stopped having sex. OM finally wanted to end the relationship because he wanted a real relationship with me and we coudln't because were both married at the time. OM also knows how prejudice my family are and that they would never accept him. So there were several reasons that we needed to end the EMA. We both agreed to work on our marriages. OM ended up divorced 1 year after our EMA ended. His wife had been having an EMA of her own and she left OM to marry her OM. He had also been through this with his first wife. So my ex-OM has been married and divorced twice. My marriage ended this year so now I am single. Our EMA has been over for 4 years, but we continue to work for the same company and we see each other every day. OM has a steady girlfriend now, but says he doesn't intend to marry her. I am dating again, as crazy as it seems, I am dating my ex-husband. OM and I had talked about a future together, but by the time I decided to get a divorce, he was already dating his current girlfriend. He does not know that I am dating my exH. OM has been divorced now for 3 years and I have just been divorced for a few months. I called OM when I first filed for divorce just to talk and he asked me if my divorce was final and I said no, not yet. He backed off very quickly and changed the subject. This made me think that he was still interested in me. I had hoped that once I was divorced that OM would break up with his girlfriend and start a relationship with me. I never did go to him after my divorce was final and tell him that it was final because I did not want to put pressure on him and I felt like it is up to him to end his relationship with his girlfriend. I did not feel like it was my place to try and get him to break up with his girlfriend to be with me. I did not want to appear to be a homewrecker(even though she doesn't live with him). I know that he knows that I am divorced because he reads the local paper faithfully and it was printed in there about a month ago. So I feel pretty sure that he knows that I am divorced. When I posted on this board a couple of months ago, everyone suggested that I let him know that I was divorced and then leave it at that. I wanted to, but I just didn't feel right doing that. He has always known that I am deeply in love with him and that I have always wanted to be with him regardless of how prejudice my family are. Anyway, I decided that since I haven't heard from him, that he must not be interested in me. Here is where my questions come in. We have managed to keep our relationship mostly business. There have been a few slip-ups where we start to talk and end up telling each other that we still love each other, but for the most part OM has been very good about keeping everything business only. He is better at it than I am. OM will only come around me in certain settings. He never comes around me where we are alone. He will only come around me at work if there are other people around. If we are in a group and I am talking to someone other than him, he always manages to get in on the conversation so that I will have to talk to him. If a group of us go to lunch, he will not come along if I am there. He will go if I am not there. I have seen him go to lunch with groups of employees where there are lots of women going along, but if I am in the group, he will not go. I am not just imagining this. I know him pretty well. Today a group of us went to lunch and OM told the other men that he was coming. He didn't show up. Someone said that he was going to lunch with his girlfriend, but it wasn't true because later I saw him drive by the restaurant where we were at and he was by himself. He also doesn't like to talk to me on the phone about personal things and he used to love to talk to me on the phone.I can understand him acting this way when we were married, but now that we are both divorced, he has no reason to feel uncomfortable around me. I had thought that since we were divorced maybe we could still be good friends, but he is still keeping a distance. So help me to make sense of this. He will come around me at work in a group of people, but he won't go to lunch with a group of people if I am there. What gives? Please don't give me nasty responses and tell me to stop worrying about it. He has been a huge part of my life and I just want to understand him so that I can see things from his point of view and maybe give me some peace of mind. I also want to know if any of you think that I should go on and tell him that I am divorced and see what he says. I still want to be with him. I have always wanted him. I might be dating my exH, but we are just dating. OM is the one that I want. I love him with all of my heart. I just wonder if he stays away from me because of the racial thing or maybe because of my family he feels that we couldn't have a future? Should I go to him and try to talk to him? Any opinions would be welcomed. Thanks!

Hiya SG,
I do remember you from when you posted earlier and I have read through your story & update.
Because you have asked for advice, I'll give you my take on what you've told us.
If someone loves you, they will move mountains to be with you. When someone loves you, their actions reflect that love. Remember words are cheap, SG.
While you may well both be divorced now, exOM *is* in a committed relationship and he is not therefore free to resume the relationship with him you desire.
It seems that exOM is being very considerate of your feelings in avoiding being around you except perhaps in large, safe groups.
It does appear that exOM is doing his utmost to ensure his intentions of maintaining a business/professional relationship with you are not misunderstood by you nor by anyone else for that matter.
If I am honest with you, from what you report I would have to go with a gut feeling of exOM not wishing to re-establish a relationship with you.
When we experience a major life changing event such as a divorce, we often take stock of ourselves and our lives and determine whatever it is we NOW want to do with our lives. Change is inevitable as we grow & heal from that event or divorce and we are no longer the same people we were before we divorced. Often we need time to come to terms with that change and work out whatever the blue blazes it is that we do want for ourselves and our future now. Our wants and needs change as do our goals and aims. As much as we may want to do so, we are seldom if ever able to simply pick up & carry on wherever we were in other relationships before that major life changing event.
My advice? Take some time, adjust to life as a single person again (that's a big adjustment right there!), and get comfy with the new & changing YOU for awhile before launching headlong into another relationship.
SG, the only person who can give you any REAL answers to all your questions is the one who is avoiding all unchaperoned contact with you and the same person who is refusing to discuss personal matters with you on the phone. That much says to me that if you ask the questions, you are extremely unlikely to receive the answers for which you are so obviously hoping.
I am aware this isn't what you had hoped to read and I really wish I could give you a more positive take on all this, SG. Perhaps others will be able to spot hints, shades & nuances on things in your story that I've been unable to detect and it's entirely likely others will have more positive feedback than I was able to give you. I do hope so.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
South
In answer to your question about telling him YES you need to bring this to a conclusion one way or another, have the talk lay out the facts and make him tell you plainly if he has any intentions of having a romantic relationship with you OUT IN THE OPEN like a real couple or NOT, if not end all relationship with him and move on be it with XH or someone else or if you like maybe be by yourself for a year or two what ever will work for you.
Good luck
Free