Help me understand (update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Help me understand (update)
4
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:44pm
OK my H has finally come out of the haze and acknowledged he is feeling confused says he loves me but confused about what he is feeling. (I did not dig but I took it to mean about is EA). Says I am a wonderful wife and does not know why he is feeling so confused. I take this as a good sign that he is now able to see "me" again and acknowledge I am feeling in this too. For those of you who have been through this process.. again help me through this. Is this part of the process denial then confusion or acknowledgement and then what next.. I hope in the end of all this he realizes that he wants to be with me and he understands what is driving him to feel the way he is feeling now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:46am

Iv, I empathize with you being in this difficult position but I don't understand why you don't confront the issues head on and deal with them out loud instead of assuming and wondering and hoping what he is thinking?????


This is the impression that I get from your post and the prior one that I responded to.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:53pm
Thanks for your response. I guess its hard because people are so different. My H and I actually have always had amazing communication and conversations. Its just recently with whatever has been happening for him (which he now acknowledges) he has been pulling away from me and attempts at discussions have been halted with him telling me everything is ok and giving me some vague reason as to why he has been different (the usual worries about work or his son- which was actually not the case). The man I have been living with the past several months is not the man I married. He has not been approchable and communication has gone out the door. I had suspcisions and gently discussed them because I did not want to seem like an nagging paranoid wife when I actually had no proof. So I have let him know what I suspect was happening and he negated everything I said and started distancing further..SO I have never been here before with him because before we could have talked about these things. In the past few days he has begun to open up but I don't want to push too much too soon because he is very confused and I think needs to work with the therapist to figure this out not me. I will be there to support him and talk with/to him when he is ready about how to strengthen our relationship if he decides this is what he wants. I think these feeling for this woman -which he now can say are not about her but about him-are confusing him because he was ready to just throw his marriage away without a second thought and I think when he finally realized this it scared him. I have come out in the past few days and said " do you want to leave me?" and I think at this point he is not ready to answer that question so to push is not helpful.. I am doing what I think is best for him and I and to try and just give it the time it needs. I guess how long that will take depends on him but what I was hoping somone might have thoughts about was the process of denial at first and then recognition which I think is where we are at.. what has happened for others after that. I have to just live with this now, not knowing the outcome, not knowing if he will choose to stay with me or leave or what. Its so hard to make plans or think of anything in the future with this happening and again he does not know so asking at this point won't help. He is aware he needs to work on it and wants to so I really can't ask for more than that. I guess I was just needing some hope.. Hoping that others went through this and realized they wanted to be with their spouse in the end >> That would be my happy ending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:39pm

"Hoping that others went through this and realized they wanted to be with their spouse in the end >> That would be my happy ending."


I sincerely hope that this is how it ends up for you.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:45pm

I hope you find this happy ending. I know many have been here and found that they were able to make this happen. I have often wished that for myself, but all reltationships are different. My marriage is on the downswing, for me it is an issue of coming to terms with my "failure" and letting it go. But from what I have read on this board I have seen many people move on from this board having re-built their marriages, to where they were stronger than ever!! I am hoping that you will fall into this category!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige