Help! Need intervention...might give in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Help! Need intervention...might give in!
20
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:53pm
Hi Everybody,

I haven't posted in a while because I thought I had healed and that this chapter of my life was CLOSED. This board is the only thing that kept me from straying again, and I need your help now!

Just to give you a little bit of background...I am married, and in March an aquaintence/friend I work with that I've known for 5 years and always had gotten along with took our usually harmless flirting a little too far. Before I knew it we were sending each other many emails a day and were kind of pushing the limits to see how far we'd go. Dangerous! I never meant anything to happen, but he kissed me. Long story short, we were very intense in the beginning, he got scared and ended things. I was really hurt because although I accept total responsibility for my actions, he pushed it. Then he ended it. Then he started up again, and we ended it again. Off and on for a while. We never had sex, just met in empty rooms at work and fooled around. He is in a serious relationship, so we always knew this was just for fun. Friends with benefits. I crossed a line and called him one night at work when I'd been out drinking with friends and he freaked out. I ended things completely, and felt hurt that obviously there wasn't even a friendship there, that he was using me. It was awful, and I missed our flirtations, chats, and the attention. But I started healing, focused on my marriage (which is going through a really stressful time...deaths, divorces in the family, moving into a new house, you name it.) and was doing ok. I did miss him, though. Ok, so that's the history...

Last week he sent me a really friendly "Hi! I haven't heard from you in a while" type message. We emailed a few times, small talk, a couple of not-too-serious flirty comments. And I was so happy. We were back to being friends and closer to losing the weirdness. Then yesterday he started IMing me, and one thing led to another. We were flirting hard core. He wanted to meet up. I told him I needed to sleep on it...that although I'm still so attracted to him, I didn't want to just jump into anything. We walked out to our cars together, and he got all weird. Said he left his keys and needed to go back in. I told him he must have been distracted, and he smiled and said he'd distract me again tomorrow. Well, I was in tormented hell all night. I know what I should do, and I also know how attracted we are to each other. I didn't sleep at all. AND FOR NOTHING! Not a peep from him all day. I am so tired of this! What is going on? Is he the jerk my best friend thinks he is?

I need your advice and your help...I played with fire again and I'm feeling it.

Thanks so much,

Lil

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:49pm
wanna be confused TOGETHER!? :p rotfl
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:04pm
Sorry for all the confusion ladies. I didn't mean to do that.

This is what I meant as the *getting over an affair* board. Although I admit, I don't feel like there is a lot of support here. I suppose it is because it is not very busy. Most folks are still active, and posting in the *my affair* board.

You can see a lot of frustration and doubt there as well. I read both boards personally. Reading about others pain in an active A helps keep me maintaining NC. After all it was the constant pain of the rollercoaster that forced me to decide to get off.

As far as my reference to there being BS's here, I apologize as it appears I was incorrect. You are right, I am fairly new here so did not know your histories. However I detected anger in your responses which is why I thought what I did.

I understand it is unproductive to *sugar coat* responses to peoples questions. I just think if one comes off as hostile and angry one is likely to put off the person who sits on the fence, sending them back to a safer place, which might be their A.

I don't know, but a bit of compassion and understanding seems to be what is needed, a reality check though necessary, doesn't have to be with a bat at the side of the head.

*hugs*

Someday



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:03am
Hmm... You've really got me thinking. I've always tried to be compassionate and helpful here, to try to make something GOOD out of my experience by using it to help other people. When someone says "intervention," I think "drastic measures," so maybe that is why my initial response came across as a little more pointed than it should have been. (Although I'd hardly call it "hostile and angry.") But maybe it also means that I've come so far out of my A and the cloud that surrounds it that I'm not able to relate as well to those who are still stuck in that fog?? That could be the case. I can vaguely remember being in lilyann's position; I can remember expending so much energy being upset about the XOM and what was going on with that relationship, and not really giving my marriage a second thought-- which now I see as bass-ackwards, but at the time I couldn't see through the Affair Fog. That seems like a far-off place now.

I've come a long way in the past 8 months. I don't think I'm completely "recovered" yet; I still have weak moments, days that I miss the XOM and the A; and I still haven't definitively figured out what it is about myself that led me to the A in the first place. So I will still be visiting this board for awhile. And I will still be candid in my responses; will try not to come across as "hostile", though! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 8:40pm

Reading your post I wondered why you gave yourself permission to "go too far" in the first place.


What about hubby? Do you talk to him? Does he know you're feeling confused and tempted? DO NOT tell hubby of your dalliance. As I've said many times before on this board, spouses may forgive, however, they don't ever forget. Better to forgive yourself the dalliance and learn from the experience while not repeating it.


Something prompted you to step over the boundary of your marriage. Focus on the "whys" and I think you won't have any trouble telling xMM to stay away from you.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:06pm
MaybeKatie...

For the record, I appreciated your response very much. I needed an INTERVENTION and that's what I got! You all gave me such wake up calls, and each and every response helped me in a different way. Thank you so much.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:16pm
I'm working my way through the hurt, too, and I find that some gentle words from other women is most healing. I was open to another man because I needed tenderness and affection, and if I can receive that from other women, it helps me move through it more quickly.

And, help me! 8 months and it's not over inside for you? I can't imagine having feelings for him 8 months from now. Help me understand the life cycle of the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:40am
Sigh, I know, 8 months -- yikes, actually more like 9 months -- isn't that pathetic??? I hate even admitting it. But it is not as bad as it sounds. I have moved on in SO many ways. I am not still pining for him, or in any way wishing to get back into the A. I know with all my heart that I would never, ever go back there. With a few occasional exceptions, I don't obsess over XMM anymore, over what he is thinking or feeling or doing.

The ending cycle, for me, went like this: We ended our 5 year A because of a sort of drastic incidence in XMM's life, and we both knew that it had to be that way; the time had come. We had not fallen out of love, we were not angry at each other, etc. But the first 2 months, I must have been in denial, because I was FINE. I wasn't grieving, I was getting along with life, and I felt good about the way we had ended things. I think deep down I hadn't accepted that we were "never" going to be in any sort of relationship again.

After 2-3 months that realization started to sink in, and I got angry. Angry because he had told me emphatically when we ended things that when I was ready, he wanted us to maintain some semblance of friendship. And after 3 months, I naively felt we had moved on enough that we could be friends, but he, smartly, rejected my offer of friendship. So I was feeling both angry and rejected.

Then, I found this board, and I *finally* started on the road to recovery. I finally started to understand that No Contact was the only way to go, and that I *had* to accept the fact that it was time to let go and move on. And I have done that, in many ways.

I realized that the fact that XMM and I were in daily contact for over 5 years, via phone and email and in person at business meetings, etc., and yet my H never suspected a thing was significant. It showed me just how disconnected we (H & I) had become from each other's lives. I have since been working hard on reconnecting, intertwining our lives again to the point where I know that I could never get away with another A at this point.

I realized also that it was the "high" of the affair, the way that it made me feel, that kept me hanging on to XMM; not necessarily my feelings for XMM himself. I never fell out of love with my H, and I would never ever leave him for XMM. That was never even a question. I realized that I was experiencing an addiction, nothing more, nothing less.

So when I say I still have feelings for XMM, I mean that I still miss the way the A made me feel sometimes. I do miss the friendship -- but I don't want it back. I want that connection to come from where it SHOULD come, and that is from my husband. But of course, there are some things the H doesn't "get" the way the XMM did, so sometimes if I read a really good book that I know the XMM would like, I wish I could tell him about it. Or sometimes a mutual friend (who has no idea about the A) will see XMM and tell me about it, and I'll get wistful. That kind of thing.

I think it both helps and hurts that the XMM was never a jerk, and we left each other with a mutual admiration. If I could be angry at him, I could have stopped caring about him sooner. :) As it is, I wish him nothing but happiness, sincerely. I think any lingering sadness I still feel may come from finally accepting that I will never even *know* if he finds that happiness. In many ways, I feel like I have been mourning a death for the past 9 months.

Ack, I'm sorry this got so long. There is so much more I could say, but I'll leave it at that! I wish you the best in your journey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:48am
Your words touched on a day when I really need it. Thank you. I so understand all of your words; most of my situation is comparable in terms of my understanding of the A, my H and my XMM's handling of our situation. It's also interesting to hear about the life cycle of your A because, while there are days that I struggle, I generally feel "ok" after only a little over a month of separation. I just hope I don't face a harder time in the months ahead like you did. One day at a time, I guess.

My problem is my relationship with my H. In some way, I do care for him ...maybe in a comfortable sort of way. He's trying so very hard to do all that he is capable of doing. And some of it is moving me emotionally. But he doesn't stimulate me intellectually the way my XMM did (your reading observations struck a chord; we had our own book club going on). And we still aren't back on track physically. How long did it take for you to truly reengage with your H? When (if ever...ouch) will I feel like engaging sexually with him again? How do I get over these humps?

Happy Tuesday...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:52pm
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soreinside, obviously this is personal and different for everyone; for me, the more energy I focused on my relationship with my H, the more rewarding the relationship became, physically and emotionally. I don't think I got to the point of focusing on it, though, until I got through the denial & anger stages of the end of the A and moved into acceptance.

Remember, most aspects of sexual attraction are all in your head, and just like they say that if you smile when you don't feel like it, you'll start to feel happier -- if you go through the motions of enjoying the physical relationship, hopefully the attraction will follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:31am
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for baring your souls and letting others benefit from your trials and torments. Thank you. When I first read this letter, I thought I had written it myself and forgotten about it somehow, our situations are similar on a many different points. Although MM and I have never had any sort of physical contact except that which are part of our business dealings (he is a manager in another department where we work), we did spend the last nine months slowly and gradually going from emailing jokes and smalltalk to each other to what could probably be described as cybersex or damn close to it. We have worked together for 4 years and have been friendly at work and I suppose we have always been physically attracted to each other. We are both married, 15 and 17 years for me. It came at a time when I was feeling restless and kind of tired of the "status quo" in my marriage and particularly the bedroom, and I guess it was flattering and titillating to share this sort of "naughty secret" from our spouses and all of the people that we work with, but we mutually ended it about a month ago, at his prompting, but I knew it was the right thing to do, and am glad one of us had the strength to! At work though, we rarely see each other and speak even more rarely, so no contact has not really been a problem, but some days it is so hard to resist the urge to dive back into what we had or worse yet - more (it had become very clear towards the end that he was looking for a physical connection). Although I can honestly say that 95% of the arousal that he stirred in me, I used on my unknowing husband (he has yet to complain about it!!), I still know that it is emotionally cheating. I was just lurking around here this morning and your entire string of answers felt like some sort of sign for me, to get a grip on my stupidity and give my head a shake! I see now that if I do not resist this temptation, that I will soon be posting on the "My Affair" board, my wonderful husband will be on the "Betrayed Spouses" board and my two beautiful teenage daughters will be in therapy trying to figure out why their Mother went against everything she stood for and screwed up our otherwise "storybook" life for a fling!! Sorry for the rambling, I so appreciate all of you and pray for your healing and strength!

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