Help needed please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2013
Help needed please
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 12:55pm

Hi all, I am in need of some hand holding and support, I am at the moment in an A, I am single he is married and although he tells me his marriage is not good and he is sleeping in the spare room, he is staying because of his daughter, yes I know they all say that. In fact there is a lot of back history to me, makes me sound like a really callous bitch but if you knew me in the real, I am not at all, and I really cant believe I find myself in the same position as 13 years ago.

I got into an A all those years ago, waited 5 years for him to leave, he lived with me for 5 amazing years when I then found out he was having an affair with a work colleague 26yrs his junior and left me for her. So yes how do I find myself here again, after trying to get over the most unbareable pain, in which time I really didnt want to live.

So back to my position now, I know for my sanity that I cant carry on with the A, I am so unhappy and suppose its because all I can think about is the pain I went through trying to get over my loss 2.5 yrs ago. What really upsets me and puzzles me is that my AP watched me go through the breakup I even cried on his shoulder many times, he started to text constantly, then drop into my house for visits, which ended in me being very weak, oh and even more bad news is that I work with him. I suppose I am at a loss with how I am going to end this, without going back to a place I never wanted to revisit.
Any advice and help would be much appreciated.


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 1:15pm

If you are looking to end an affair without hurting, you are trying to find a new fantasy.

There isn't any such thing.  

It's going to hurt. Hurt bad. 

Now on to reality.  Get honest with yourself.  Very first thing. Get honest with yourself.

You got yourself into this mess, you have to get yourself out of it. We can give you hints, we can guide you, and we can support you but the work is all you. You have to get tough with yourself, and get a backbone and stand up for yourself.  If you want to do it halfway, then that how you are going to be. Half way done.

No Contact is the 100% way of ending it.  Stop any contact with him at all.  Then it is just time, waiting for time to heal you. Speeding it up is doing anything that will help you find out why you are doing what you are doing. What is it that makes you want to be second in someones life. 

If a person is NOT willing to put you first why would you want to stay in line looking for love?

I know you work with him, but that can be overcome.  If you want to.  You have to find out what it takes to not be in contact with him. If it means leaving your job, then that is what it comes down to. Transfering to another job, 

You are in postition to make any choice that you want. It is all about choices. You have made some bad ones, now it is time to make some good ones. What are they going to be?

Help is here. Welcome to EAS!


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2013
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 1:55pm
Thanks RatherBeMe for taking time to answer, I know all you say is right remember Ive been here before and never thought I would be doing the same again, I must be a very weak person! I know its going to hurt which is why im waivering, I know no good will come from the A. I just feel so weak, there you go Im a weak person.:-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 2:21pm
Unbareable - you are not a weak person. This has nothing to do with strength - it has everything to do with boundaries. Do you know the statistics of repeat A's? It's high - why? because humans still seek for that highest high of happieness and love that we've felt. I could have written your original post at one time, in fact most vets can - the truth is we all struggle or we wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean we are weak people at all. Here's the thing - you stay because you haven't figured out what is better than this type of high. You had a second A because what you DO remember from that first one was probably romanticized and you mentally/emotionally click in to those good moments rather than reliving the crap at the end again and again. You are not unique. When I came here I was a lot like you and thought my situation was different - unique - but Rather said it best in another post when he reiterated the sentiment that your situation is not unique, only the details are. The argument of Love vs. Lust - multiple A's all of that is moot because you have yet to discover what it is you are seeking. We all live with the 4A's of being human - attention, applause, acceptance and acknowledgement - it drives us and motivates us in every single aspect of life - professionally, romantically, as parents, students - everything. Maybe it isn't a message of "great I screwed up again", as much as it is a wake up call that something is missing from YOU - are you looking for an external source to fix or fill a part of your ego/emo tanks? Can you fill those yourself? It sounds like your ego/emo tanks are low - coupled with the fact that you know the A is not healthy and not serving any purpose, and guilt from the whole "having an A". so here's a couple of thoughts - instead of titling yourself weak - consider yourself run down. Emotionally you have been through some hard things and making the decision to leave an A is brutal - because we know while it is better - it is REALLY FREAKING HARD. And to make it worth it - you have to mean it. This is a great place to come to - so I'm glad that you are here. Read often, post often, talk about what specifics you are struggling with and with time and commitment - you can get through this and learn to fill those feel-goods into your own ego/emo tanks. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2013
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 1:54pm

Thanks Alwayslolly, I will tell you a bit more about me because I hate the thought that I am a serial affair type, I was married for 14 years, my husband left me after a short affair with a friend, I was in total shock but I had two children who I needed to carry on for. Whilst trying to get through that awful time in my life I briefly saw the Ap I am seeing now but at the time he was single, he messed me around, so I ended it but I cant really remember how. Thats when I was persued by the guy who I had the 5 year A with.  I never thought I would do such a thing as when my husband left it hurt so badly that I never thought I would do that to someone else.

The A I am in now has only been reletively short because I am so aware I am going to get hurt again, I just cant believe I am in this position again, I hate myself, I am so unhappy but at the sametime I have fallen for him bigtime. I know I have got to end it but just dont know how I know NC is the only way but I will still see him occassionally at work, and I cant change jobs or transfer as its not that type of job.  I am a total mess yet I have so much to look forward to with a new job starting April, a whole new lifestyle.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 3:50pm


Before I get into the importance of changing your name, I'm glad you realize that NC is your only way out.  And the times you do run into him, if you use the guidelines in our LC in the Workplace thread in our Healing Library, you'll be able to navigate that situation with grace and dignity which will make for a more pleasant work situation.

Have you given the formal goodbye?  That's important so you are both on the same page...knowing it is over.  You must keep it short and sweet.  "It's over...I am moving on...there'll be no further contact from...please do not contact me...and for the sake of a mutually-respectful work environment, all conversations will be keep professional and businesslike."  And you will have to set this tone.

Then you block and walk and don't look back...except in therapy.  And because you've already had a taste of those weak moments, you'll want to block all avenues of's all about protecting you now...regaining your footing and reclaiming your dignity.

It has to start with you.  So back to my question, has there been an official ending?

We are here to support you in your ending. 

Oh oh...please change your's negative and our brain acts in accordance with what we see, think, write, may feel unbearable now...but it won't be unbearable just don't want to continually reinforce that negative thought.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board