Help Needed Before Tuesday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Help Needed Before Tuesday!
12
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:53pm

I replied to someone's post, but I really think I need some guidance here.

My XMM and I work together. How is this for the kicker? We sit side by side. We have gone through many ups and downs. He told me he loved me, then got me to fall for him, then got almost everything he wanted (we did everything, but IC) and then tells me he thinks it is lust. I then ended up confiding to my husband.

After a month or two of NC with my OMM, we were right back at it again. Again, I couldn't stand the guilt and told my husband just about everything we did and needless to say that I put in my resignation at work. I also made the OMM confide to his wife as well. Well, after everything was out in the open and I begged for my husband to keep me around, my H and I decided financially it was better if I stay. Again, there was to be NC at work. We did this again for another month and it was MISERABLE. So, we started talking again trying to be "closet" friends and we almost slipped again. I stopped it.

He now tells me that he knows he could be with me and love me in a different life, but he loves his wife and his 2 kids. He really wants his cake and eat it too. I know I have been naive, but I really do care about him. We do have this connection - he was my best friend. Anyway, when things were about to start to heat it up again and he started pushing to go the extra mile and finally have IC, I told him we had to again break the contact. This has been a week - but 5 months since telling our spouses about the A. We are again MISERABLE at work. He keeps trying to talk to me or email me. He now says that he just wants to remain friends until one of us leaves. He said once he leaves, we will probably never be able to see each other again and he wants me in his life the little time we have left - (he is starting his own business and will be out hopefully in less than a year).

I reminded him how we said we didn't want to leave our current situations, so "I" am trying to be the one to save our marriages. I am trying to stay strong by thinking about how I have been used, but everytime I see him or everytime he says something sweet, I just become stupidly weak and fall for him all over again. THIS IS SO HARD! I don't know how long I can do this. He has asked me if I loved him a few weeks ago, and while I really am not sure, I admitted to him at the moment that I did. He was happy to hear that, and at first couldn't say it back. Then he said that he does love two women.

I really do think he cares about me deep down, but I also know that he wants more action and will say anything to get it. He is constantly telling me how there is more passion with me than with his wife. I have only been with my husband romantically outside of my ex OMM (I only dated a guy a few months before getting together with my husband). I am usually a good judge of character and I know that deep down my ex OMM he is a good person who does care for me, but he has a funny way sometimes of showing it. He is so miserable at work too. You can tell... Very depressed.

I don't know what to do. I do love my H, but I really think I love my XMM now too.. I think about him so much and it hurts to sit by side and act worse than strangers. It also hurts to know how we lost one heck of a friendship by taking it to the A level. I don't know what to do... He is out of town until Tuesday and said he wants to talk when he gets back - I assume to try and convince me that we can be just friends and talk until he leaves. I don't know if I should give in again and try to just do the friend thing to make it comfortable until he leaves because I literally have been coming home from work on the verge of tears (I miss him and talking to him so much). Or should I hold strong and have NC? Or should I really tell him how I feel about him when he gets back? The thing is I dont know if I could leave my H for him. He has been so good to me and has stuck with me through all of this. I know I have to be strong, but still working together while we still have feelings for each other is bound to blow up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 9:40pm

You wrote..... "he started pushing to go the extra mile and finally have IC"......."he wants to talk when he gets back - I assume to try and convince me that we can be just friends"

I think you know what he wants to convince you to do and if you do it you will regret it probably for the rest of your life. The guilt will eat away at you until your M is destroyed. You will lose your self-respect. If H finds out your will probably lose him also. Do you really think that it would be worth it? Stay as far away from him as possible until he leaves and get some therapy to find out why you allowed yourself to get into this situation. Think long and carefully because this is one of those thing which once done cannot be undone. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 10:16pm

Snowball

Forget the money QUIT THE JOB ASAP unless you like the idea of being divorced while he stays with his wife.

Sorry he is not a good guy he is a sneaky little snake in the grass who was honest with you the ONE TIME that he told you that it was ABOUT LUST FOR HIM, it is not love, now he is just telling you what he thinks you need to here to CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND. Time to wake up and smell the coffee this guys only interest in you is SEX period thats it nothing more...he wants to use you plain and simple.

Open your eyes and see the situation for what it really is not what you want to believe it is, there is not great romance going on here just another sordid sex affair .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 11:16pm

snow,

its all about the SEX, that's the truth, he just want to have his cake and eat it also

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 11:24am

snowball,

I know some of the replies may seem harsh and hard to read. That's really what's required - they are just trying to get your attention and make you see it AS IT REALLY IS. You're still sort of in that "happy - I want to know what he thinks stage" but the advice is really dead on. I would encourage you to take an hour and read previous posts on here.

It's not pretty to pull away the fantasy and realize the patterns that are so obvious - That the A is not about YOU - he's not doing it because you're great friends and he is so in love (that's the harsh part). It's taken me a few weeks to really come around. But reading and re-reading all these situations makes it hard to feel light about the situation anymore. In fact, the posts tend to echo in your ears reminding you of the REAL situation.

You have a lot to risk (as I do)... be prepared. Gosh, I wish I'd found this board, say 8-9 years ago. It's an eye-opener.

Good luck,

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 12:24pm
I know and I appreciate all of the great advice. It is just so hard. I know what needs to happen and I know that I need to keep it at NC outside of work, but he just seems to have this control over me. I know that my H loves me and I am so greatful that he has stuck with me and I dont want to lose him and have my XMM be happy with his wife and family. It is just sometimes I think I could be happier with him and how we have more in common. I know this will never happen and even if the situation presented itself, I am not sure I would want to leave the man who loves me and who I can trust for a man that I couldn't trust. I just wish that I could reverse time and go back to the point of no return and keep it at friendship only. It is just so hard not to imagine this XMM in my life in one way or another. I thought I was stronger than this. I am not one to sleep around, but with him, it is so different. Tuesday will come and I will want to cave in and talk to him. Then is starts all over again. Thanks to all for your advice and tough, but correct words,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:18pm
I was once where you are and I wanted to see how it would be to have ic. Everything else with him was so intense I thought, "it won't change anything but I will know what it is like." After 2 years, almost losing my family, and finally taking a job 250 miles away, I am now working on my relationship with my h and it is so amazing. My husband is a man of honor and character. My xmm does not have the same strength. If I would have treated my h the way I treated xmm my marriage would have been fixed so much sooner and I would be able to say I was faithful. I put my children through hell and did not put them first. That is my biggest regret. I still struggle with xmm. We try and be friends but it is a hard road. There were so many times at the beginning that I could have backed out but I didn't. I wish I could have listened to others and never put myself through this. The closeness and control comes from the fact that the xmm knows you and even though he may care about you he ultimately knows how to get what he wants from you. He is manipulating you to get what he wants. You may think he is not like that or it is different with you, he may even believe it himself. Take a good close look at him. Has he done this before? How is his wife really? Probably someone who could be one of your friends. I know you think it will be different with you but from reading on this board you should be able to see it isn't. I wish you the strength and perspective that I didn't have and no matter what you do there are people who will understand and support you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 3:28pm

Snow

He has no power over you that you do not choose to give him, what you do or do not do is all about you NOT XMM, you will do what you do either being a faithful trustworthy life partener to the man you swore before God family and friend to love and honor and to have no one else or YOU choose to be a CHEATER plain and simple, there is no magic destiny going on here it is all about you choosing what you think you want to satisfy you before all others.

You have the power to chose honor or dishonor it is totally up to you and you alone will bare the responsibility for the fallout from this.

Affairs are not about LOVE he does not love you and you don't love him it is totally about USING the other person to feel better about yourself or to satisfy LUST.

You are RESPONSIBLE for those you hurt XMM is not the one making decisions for you.

You can't build a life on the wreckage of other peoples lives that's way about 97 percent of affair based marriages/relationships DIE, the foundation is garbage complete trash.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:45pm

Thank you for your post. It really does help knowing that other good people out there have strayed. I really honestly never thought I would be one of them.

You are right and he does know me very well. He knows what to do and say to get what he wants. But, it never started out as lust with us. When we first met, we were friends only with no feelings for each other at all. Then he developed feelings for me.. It felt like love. Then he started getting what he wanted and I fell hard for him.. I could tell that his feelings changed - turned more to sex and making me feel cheap. But, I was stupid and thought I could back to making him feel love for me.

To answer your questions.. No, he has not done this before. Only had two partners outside of his wife and then me. Been married for almost 10 years with 2 kids. We have a mutual good friend at work and they use to talk about how they would never cheat on their wifes. He also told his best friend recently that he had an A and his friend just about smacked him on the backside... I do know his wife. All four of friends became friends and we use to go down their house a lot. I could be friends with her. All four of us are so much alike.

I know that it is my own fault and I chose the path to go down - nobody has ultimate control over me, but myself... But, I just cannot get him out of my head. If, if, if... If we were not married, we could have had something good.. A perfect story. But, we are married and I know I need to grow up, except what I did and make amends with myself and my H... I need to concentrate my full efforts on my H and my marriage and get my XMM out of my head if I want me marriage to work, but it is easier said than done. I cannot get over my feelings for him. I have never been one to develop crushes or lust after someone. My feelings have always been real and genuine for the people I care about. I know I cannot speak on his behalf however.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:01pm

snow,

our feelings in the affair are all real, BUT the circumstances in which we have the affair are not, its all based on lies, sure u were friends before and no feelings, we all started there at some point in time

an innocent ....yadi yadi yada ... and then the unthinkable happened, im sorry if i sound harsh but its the bottom line, u either drop MM or drop marriage, u cant have both, its hard but we all have to make a choice

if u are not happy with maariage and it cant be rescued then get a divorce, if MM is realy in love with u and is not happy with his marriage then he can also get a divorce and u two can be together, sounds simple but its not

according to CNN survey, 75% of people of have an affair and got together end up in divorce also

pls take care of yourself,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:15pm

In my case we were friends for 5 yrs before we crossed the line. I know he cares about me, even loves me and I know I love him. I can see that this is not enough though and I am not willing to ruin a lot of people's lives. Everyone thinks my xmm is devoted to his family and in most ways he is. He is a great father. If he was not the man he is I would not have fallen for him but I am just saying that he has flaws. We have talked and talked about all of this a million times, I guess I am lucky I got the closure I needed but he admits that he can't help it. It is too hard for him to not get what he wants and he hates the person he becomes. I always end up hurt and he always ends up sorry. If I could go back and put the lines in where they belong we would still have a great friendship. Once you cross those lines everything changes.

What really matters is that I crossed them, no one forced me. I was so curious and I wanted to be with him. I had no idea but he did. He told me that it could never have a happy ending and that I would end up hurt. If he knew that how could he continue. Because like everyone says an A is about selfishness. It is about satisfying your needs at the cost of virtually everything else. I had problems in my m and xmm took advantage of those. One of the things that helped me was when I started thinking of him as xxxx's husband. She is a probably good wife and a nice person.(hence his guilt) He has never said anything bad about her and I would never want to hurt her, yet look what I have done.

I still think of him and we talk about twice a month. The other thing I started doing was praying for help and acceptance. I have a lot of good things and yet all I want is this one thing I can't have? I sound like a spoiled brat. I am struggling though to do the right thing, be happy, enjoy my life and be content with what I have. I put it in God's hands, I still struggle to have faith and let it go.

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