Help Needed Before Tuesday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Help Needed Before Tuesday!
12
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 4:53pm

I replied to someone's post, but I really think I need some guidance here.

My XMM and I work together. How is this for the kicker? We sit side by side. We have gone through many ups and downs. He told me he loved me, then got me to fall for him, then got almost everything he wanted (we did everything, but IC) and then tells me he thinks it is lust. I then ended up confiding to my husband.

After a month or two of NC with my OMM, we were right back at it again. Again, I couldn't stand the guilt and told my husband just about everything we did and needless to say that I put in my resignation at work. I also made the OMM confide to his wife as well. Well, after everything was out in the open and I begged for my husband to keep me around, my H and I decided financially it was better if I stay. Again, there was to be NC at work. We did this again for another month and it was MISERABLE. So, we started talking again trying to be "closet" friends and we almost slipped again. I stopped it.

He now tells me that he knows he could be with me and love me in a different life, but he loves his wife and his 2 kids. He really wants his cake and eat it too. I know I have been naive, but I really do care about him. We do have this connection - he was my best friend. Anyway, when things were about to start to heat it up again and he started pushing to go the extra mile and finally have IC, I told him we had to again break the contact. This has been a week - but 5 months since telling our spouses about the A. We are again MISERABLE at work. He keeps trying to talk to me or email me. He now says that he just wants to remain friends until one of us leaves. He said once he leaves, we will probably never be able to see each other again and he wants me in his life the little time we have left - (he is starting his own business and will be out hopefully in less than a year).

I reminded him how we said we didn't want to leave our current situations, so "I" am trying to be the one to save our marriages. I am trying to stay strong by thinking about how I have been used, but everytime I see him or everytime he says something sweet, I just become stupidly weak and fall for him all over again. THIS IS SO HARD! I don't know how long I can do this. He has asked me if I loved him a few weeks ago, and while I really am not sure, I admitted to him at the moment that I did. He was happy to hear that, and at first couldn't say it back. Then he said that he does love two women.

I really do think he cares about me deep down, but I also know that he wants more action and will say anything to get it. He is constantly telling me how there is more passion with me than with his wife. I have only been with my husband romantically outside of my ex OMM (I only dated a guy a few months before getting together with my husband). I am usually a good judge of character and I know that deep down my ex OMM he is a good person who does care for me, but he has a funny way sometimes of showing it. He is so miserable at work too. You can tell... Very depressed.

I don't know what to do. I do love my H, but I really think I love my XMM now too.. I think about him so much and it hurts to sit by side and act worse than strangers. It also hurts to know how we lost one heck of a friendship by taking it to the A level. I don't know what to do... He is out of town until Tuesday and said he wants to talk when he gets back - I assume to try and convince me that we can be just friends and talk until he leaves. I don't know if I should give in again and try to just do the friend thing to make it comfortable until he leaves because I literally have been coming home from work on the verge of tears (I miss him and talking to him so much). Or should I hold strong and have NC? Or should I really tell him how I feel about him when he gets back? The thing is I dont know if I could leave my H for him. He has been so good to me and has stuck with me through all of this. I know I have to be strong, but still working together while we still have feelings for each other is bound to blow up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 11:06am

I know. You all are right and we have all been there, so we know how hard it is to let go. I don't want to leave my M and be alone. I know he wouldn't leave his current situation (mostly because of his kids and financial reasons). I am learning more and more seeing how selfish an A is. We knew what we were doing (talked about it a lot before crossing the line), but did it anyway. You seem to forget you have a life when you are with the other person - an addiction it is. He will be back into the office tomorrow. It makes it even harder because we back each other up in the office while the other is out. I am at his desk on and off today just staring at his families pic on his desk.. He is going to want to talk to me, tell me about his trip back home, tell me how he wants to stay friends with me until he leaves. I can't hide this anymore from my H. I can't be friends with him and lie to my H, but it hurts so bad to see him everyday and not be able to at least be friends with him... I am really strugling with all of this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:09pm

Soooo, how did Tuesday go?

You will still be welcome here no matter how it went ; )

WIP

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