help, never saw this coming...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
help, never saw this coming...
16
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 9:08am

First of all, sorry I haven't been around lately. I needed a break from it so I could focus on my M and fully heal. But truth be told, I need this board still.

So it's been almost 3 months of NC and late last night I get my first email from him. I blocked him from the account that we most frequently used but not my other account. A month ago, I would have died to get an email, a text, anything at all to let me know that I actually meant something...and I got nothing. I was so jealous of everyone else here getting those fishing attempts. And now? This is what I got:

<>

I know I should not respond. I will not respond. (It's so hard though). But if I write it here and tell all of you, then I know I will not do it. Cuz I'm no liar...and no fool :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:56pm

OK, you admit your mistake even after all the advice we gave you advising you not to respond to his email. NOW, what are your plans if he replies to your email? If he doesn't? Start thinking about it this minute because I know you want to live up to your moniker. No matter which one happens, you're going to feel some angst regarding it. Please make the right decision this time.

Good luck Livestrong,
NewDawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 6:15pm

This is an important lesson to all the newbies and retread-newbies and woulda-been-tweeners. YOU BETTER SEE IT COMING AND HAVE A DEFENSE PLAN IN PLACE!!!

LS2009, you were sooooo close. So dang close. We coulda been wingers together. I really need you to tell me why you did this! What were you hoping to accomplish? Not just mia culpa, but what did you think would happen?

I'm really sad for me right now. Me, me, me. How could you do this to ME? Ok. fine. I will wait for you. I want to be here when you get your wings.

Love and love and a$$ kicking (with love) to you.
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:09am

Thanks for the support, I really needed it cuz I was beating myself up big time for that dumb mistake. E, you’re right, this was only a stumble. I’ve dusted myself off and am heading back down the RIGHT path. I’m getting rid of those rocks so there will be no more stumbling. I’ve blocked him from both email accounts. Also (don’t laugh), I printed off a picture of MY (tweener) wings and I’ve written all of your “names” in them. It’s framed next to my computer. I’ll just have to think of a good story in case someone asks me why the heck I have wings framed with funny words like deeulta and kmg6 on them. I honestly felt terrible about letting you guys down last night. I came to the board for support and got it and then still went ahead and made an idiot move.

Dee, you asked why:
1. It was a strong temptation that really caught me off guard and I had no plan in place
2. I thought if I didn’t respond, he would think I was hurting or something and I did NOT want him to think that. I wanted to be the cool, strong girl that was doing just fine!
3. I wanted to be nice. He was always pretty nice to me and I didn’t want to be rude. Yeah, that one is pretty messed up, I know.
4. I read on one of the threads yesterday that someone had broke NC to respond to an email just to say “thanks for the compliment.” Well, that was all I needed to hear!!

And what did I hope to accomplish?? to be 100% honest, I was wondering if we would hook up again. that is a terrible thing to admit, especially after almost 3 months! (I almost did not tell you at all and was going to ignore your question, but I just edited my post to include it cuz I think I need help...r those normal thoughts? y won't they go away? things with H and life in general is really good)

And thanks for not kicking me out of the club! I promise I’ll be better, I want to get those beautiful wings!!!




Edited 2/10/2010 9:30 am ET by livestrong2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:50pm

Ah, Sweetie! Of course, I get it! It's about the games we play and the issues we have not addresses that leave us so vulnerable.

First, "you wanted to be nice". I know that feeling. It's hard to feel like you're being 'mean' to someone. I'm one of those people who likes everyone to be all happy and shiz all the time and I will smooth over the water just to make everyone all warm and fuzzy again, when, really, they don't really deserve the warm fuzzies and it's not my dang job to make them feel good/better/happy. Ya know? We definitely both need to work on being OK with not always being the peacemaker, caretaker, Miss Nice Guy.

Second, Ego. Not only did you want to be nice, but you had the added ulterior motive of Ego driving you. "Does he want me back? Can I make him want me back? Can I massage this situation into something that will validate my boo-bood ego? I want him to think I'm over him and I care what he thinks of me." Riiiiight? Yeah, I've been there. Heck, that was a huge element of my _entire_ affair! It's a hard habit to break. Recognizing and working on that need for unhealthy ego validation will fortify you against temptation in the future. Right now, you're really insecure. You cannot stand the thought of anyone thinking you're a bitch and you want to come off as a Cool Cucumber. Try doing this, I do: You are two people right now. Tender and searching little girl on the inside -- but, tough as nails, I-don't-give-a-sh*t-what-you-think woman on the outside. Make sure you let that Tough Woman on the outside protects and defends that little girl on the inside.

I'm really glad you didn't edit out the meat of your post. 100% honest is always the best policy - with yourself AND with us. Bring it all HERE, Baby. You are NOT going to get kicked of this board and nobody here has anything but love(sometimes tough), support, encouragement and well-wishes for you.

I love, love, love the thought of your framed wings! I am so frickin' inspired by that!!! (warm fuzzies for ME!) Hearing this, _does_ make me wish I'd changed my moniker, though. From hence forth, I shall be known as "mrs.smoochiepoochiepuppylover2010" or "HRHQueenKickYer@$$" I can't decide.

Brighter, beautiful day to you!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 1:57pm

dee,


I haven't been posting much lately, been reading a lot and trying to catch up with everyone. But Dee - your posts are awesome. I love how you just put it out there. The plain, honest truth. And with a little humor. You and E1 do that so well and I think it goes a long way in helping everyone. Big hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:49pm

mrs.smoochiepoochiepuppylover2010,

your response was right on and very helpful. Funny you used "cool cucumber" because those words have been used to describe me more than once. when in reality, I am so torn up inside. carrying the A weight is alot to hold onto and figuring out why I did it is mixing me all up inside. Yet all the while, I try to maintain that super confident, happy, completely unaffected, independent woman front. I gots lots of figuring out to do...

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