Help - A over but W found out

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Help - A over but W found out
5
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:32pm
I broke NC by answering my cell last night - I knew something was wrong.

xMM was freaking out and mad and said that his W has been chasing him all over the city for 2 days - going to "our rented house...I am no longer there....and screaming and coming to his work - saying she never loved him and wants to ruin his life because she married him to stay in this country and hates him and knows about the A- said his life as he knew it with his friends was going to be over - W said she had a copy of his old cell phone bill with my phone number listed every day.

Said she would never agree to a D, and if he tried she would scan and email that phone list to our familys (parents too - like tatteling???) friends and work places.......

She also knows about a hotel room - and other charges on his credit card bill - she opened his mail...

I have not had face to face contact with xMM since 10/28........and I have avoided going to any function or dinner that all our friends have gone to because I was trying to get over the "doing the right thing" part.

We wanted the A to be over.

I was ready to do the right thing and get on with my life and get a D.

He is also trying to get a D

We know we were wrong

now: do we come clean and loose it all because we were so selfish

or do we lie again - and loose the chance for a future - when we thought we were doing the best thing - stoping the A and waiting..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:36pm
Hmmmm? Im wondering if this is what he wanted to finally end this relationship? Maybe he planned this? I don't understand why all of a sudden she was suspecting? One thing you have been saying in your posts are you are so worried about what your circle of friends think! Who cares what they think! You live your life for YOU and if they don't like it they they are not true friends.

JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:08pm
Do you mean his marriage? Planned to get caught so that she would agree to a D? or completely crush any hope for us as a couple in a real relationship later down the line? No no No...he never ever wanted anyone to know that we were capable of this. He never wanted anyone to find out.

Would you??

He has been dealing with her episodes and this type of behaviour 6 months before we started the A........now not only is she dealing with him having moved out and wanting a D - she has said she knows about an A....

Either way - Its not good.......

I have to deal with the fact that nothing good can come out of an A.

And now what: should I answer his call to find out if I am going to be confronted by his W, my H, ect?

Believe me: I am getting over this faster than I thought


Edited 11/10/2004 5:13 pm ET ET by annakarena

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:17pm
Anna

There is no way this is going to end nice and clean for anyone, but the truth is all MM wife really knows for sure is that you and he talk a great deal on the phone.

There is no real way that she can stop him from getting a Divorce if he wants one there never was a way to stop him.

It's up to him now either he shows some balls or shows that he is a coward, the first may be hard for a while but the second will ruin his life and she will own him like a dog.

Look Anaa if he does not get a grip on his life and do what he needs to for there to be any possible future with you then he just ain't worth worrying about in MY OPINION.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:49am

Your xMM CHOSE to be in an affair. He could have chosen to end his marriage BEFORE beginning another relationship.


YOU chose to be in an affair. You could have chosen to end your marriage before beginning another relationship.


Neither of you made the alternate choice and now your xMM is feeling the heat of the consequence of his choice.


Been there done that.


My xW was a crazed woman in her responses to the affair. Yes, I felt alone at the time. Yet, I survived the craziness. So will your xMM.


WITHOUT YOU.


He needs to live HIS life on his own. You need to live your life on your own.


IF coming together is really an option, NOTHING will get in the way of that and neither of you will let anything get in the way of being together. Nothing. Not friends, not friends' opinions, not ex-spouses or their opinions.


As long as xMM reacts out of fear he will continue to twist in the wind and frankly, it's HIS responsibility to face what needs to be done and then do it. Whether to stay or leave the marriage is HIS responsibility to decide based on the merits of the marriage WITHOUT any further input from you.


I can appreciate you having concerns for your xMM, HOWEVER, if you've chosen to stay in your marriage, the reality is whatever is happening in xMM's

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:09am
Well, My MM's W called me -- i posted that a few weeks ago on the My affair support board.

Yes, I would answer his calls -- I would want to know what or what isn't coming. My MM and I stopped IC back in April, but we talked nearly every day. I currently have my cell phone on now in case his wife calls. She filed for divorce the day she called me. So...... My MM will soon be free and I'm still married....trying to figure out how this will work.

Good luck -- I know what you're going through. It's gut wrenching.