Help-What do I say to end it?
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Help-What do I say to end it?
| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:39pm |
I have been lingering on this sight for awhile and I am now ready for some help!! I have been having an affair with my MM for almost a year now. Even though he is the man of my dreams and I am in love with him, I can't do this anymore. We are both in our marriages for our children, but what we are doing isn't right. And I am going to tell MM face to face that I can't do this anymore, but I am having a mental block on what to say. I need some advice on how to tell MM that I can't do this anymore. I do not want to give him an ultimatum, but if he left his wife, I would leave my husband and would love to start a real relationship with him. But I do not think he would leave his wife because then he wouldn't be with his kids all the time and that would kill him. But this relationship is killing me. I love him so much and think about him constantly, but I know there is no where for our relationship to go....So what do I say?????

SJNRR,
Ultimatums do not work. There are many posts on this board that will attest to that. What happens, is that they usually backfire. If you really want it to end it PDQ without any closure, just tell him to choose. You'll never see anyone disappear as fast as he probably will.......Now, if you want it to end and still have your pride intact, YOU be the one to run out the door first ;) Haven't you ever discussed with him your concerns before? That you can't do this? Or is it only now that you have finally come to terms with your confusion?
I ended my affair by slowly withdrawing. First, no more intimacy and then no more emails or romantic discussions, until finally my emotions were no longer in the equasion. I was only able to pull this off though, because I work with him and see him everyday. I was able to gage my progress by seeing how he was responding to it. He didn't begin questioning my indifference until I had just one too many headaches for him to contend with :) By then I was strong enough to say, "It's over. Please respect my decision."
If you know you are never going to see him again, just come right out and tell him the truth; that it's just not the kind of life you want to live. Hiding behind lies and betrayals eventually takes its toll. You sound like you realize this already. My mantra was "SAVE YOURSELF." In your case, think about your kids. How would you feel if they were ever to find out?
You need to reach deep within yourself and pull out what dignity and honor you have left. Your family is at stake and so is his, so there's NO time like the present. Besides honey, They NEVER leave their wife and for the small percentage that do, they usually return to their families in a short period fo time, once the affair fog has lifted...
Edited 12/8/2004 2:43 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
Thanks again!!
You've had some great advice, sjnrr.
You ask:- "What do I say to end it?"
Keep it simple, something along the lines of, "It's over, we are finished, please respect my decision and do not phone/email/text/IM me under any circumstances whatsoever and yes that includes sending smoke signals or a brace of specially trained carrier pigeons. Good luck and goodbye."
The above is merely a suggestion but the point here is that it leaves absolutely no wiggle room. No chink in the armor. There is no crack in the door which can be wedged open at some later date - the door must be locked, padlocked, mortice locked and then sandbagged against possible later infiltration as someone notably suggested (was it you, True?).
Play around with whatever works for you, but remember to keep it *short* and to the point of what it is you wish to achieve RATHER than focusing on how wonderful you are together and/or regrets and/or the injustice of two soulmates forced to remain apart, etc etc.
Of course, you could always print the article from this link and hand it to him... http://www.lonsberry.com/writings.cfm?story=1498
The article hits pretty hard and pulls very few punches. If he *does* value his kids and his relationship with them, it spells out for you all the why's & how-come's rather succintly.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Thanks for the very truthful article. It definitely makes things crystal clear!! Great advice! Thank you so much!!
sjnrr