Helpful reminders for maintaining NC
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| Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:52am |
He doesn't love his wife, I know this. How could a man who leaves his wife on their 20th anniversary (that day) for another woman, love her? Regardless of this fact and also regardless of how deeply in love we are, he has chosen to move back "for the kids".
Needless to say, my heart is broken. Nine months ago when I ended our affair and was mentally prepared to be on my own, he asked me to wait. He said that he will divorce her and wants to continue a life with me.
I don't hate him, I know this was a difficult decision for him. I am writing this partly for me but mostly for anyone in my situation who reads this in hopes that it may help.
I told him that if he moves back we cannot have contact. That I've never liked my choice of being in an affair and will not continue one. It reduces me and it reduces him. He has made his choice and I respect it. He didn't ask me to continue an affair with him he knew that I would not. I deserve more. All or nothing. I won't settle anymore. I told him not to contact me unless he divorces her. Period.
Yes, sometimes I feel weak and miss the hell out of him, miss our friendship, want to call him. I have no family here, I am raising 2 kids alone so I did lean on him. Besides this though, we were the best of friends and were happy when we were together. What helps me get by and what keeps me from contacting him is this.......
Every night, he sleeps with her.
She gets to smell him, touch him, hear him breathe at night, pull the sheets up around him, cuddle next to him.
Every morning, she can eat with him and discuss the news.
When he or she is in the mood they have eachother to turn to.
When she wants to go out to dinner she has him to take her.
When he watches TV or a movie, she can sit quietly with him and enjoy the same.
When he wakes up in the morning and scratches his belly looking adorable and sleepy, she can enjoy him.
When he takes out his contacts and puts on his silly glasses that I love so much, or when he smiles, or when he talks and makes that little laugh sometimes, she can see that and enjoy his cute quirks, not me.
If something breaks she has him to fix it for her. If her car breaks down she can have him help her.
If something happens to him (God forbid), she is the one who will be called. She is his Spouse.
He is HER husband. And he has chosen to go back.
The REALITY of this is what will keep me away.
Plain and Simple.
I hope this helps.
I am in such pain, but I am strong, I will be fine. So will you.
Take Care of Yourself!
~Love

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Believe it or not, "for the kids" is on the top of the list why MM won't leave their wives for us. I am surprised he actually moved out for several months. Was he living with you at this time?
((((I am raising 2 kids alone so I did lean on him.)))))
Understandable, but leaving children to be around someone's elses children had to be a very difficult scenario for him. No wonder his guilt became tremendous for him.
Regardless, this whole thing isn't about HIS problems. It's about what this man is doing to you and how you are letting it eat you up. YOU have made the right decision." No divorse, no contact!". Use this NC to get a grip on your emotions and pour all of that excess love you had for him onto your children who need you more than HE does.
I wish you well through your journey, and God Speed.
True
I have visited this board and still do on occasion.
I know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself. I need to focus all of my attention on my self and my kids.
Believe it or not, I have always encouraged him to focus on being true to himself and to others. I have also forced him to face his demons. I am very real, upfront and don't dance around issues. I deal with them.
My friends have been a godsend!
Thanks for your post True.
~Love
Thats BS and I dont mean betrayed spouse. My A ended 6 weeks ago. I am single divorced, 40 XMM is 54 and he used that EXCUSE. His daughters are grown and both married themselves, ages 22 and 30.
Reality is ..he is where he is because he ****WANTS**** to be there.
Hope
Sorry I didn't reclarify that "for the kids" IS one of the main excuses these MM's give as to why they won't leave the marraige. Unfortunately, this is usually not devulged until you are already ga-ga over the SOB.
You know Hope, I've been following your posts and I know you are in deep pain over your affair, but I didn't appreciate your taking your anger out me with your "BS" comment. I am only trying to help ease our pain by posting "wake-up" information so we women can survive what I feel is a great loss to our hopes and dreams; even if we brought it upon ourselves.
True
Edited 7/4/2004 8:02 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
Hope
An excellent way to put it. This is exactly what affairs are capable of doing. They start out so exciting; just like like any new relationship, right? WRONG. All the wonderful things that we feel inside usually have to remain there. INSIDE...We can't share our happiness with anyone, we can't experience new adventures together, we can't take walks in public parks holding hands, we can't hollar from the rooftops that we love one another, etc. OH, but we can sneak around to back rooms, hotels, elevators, closets, confess our undying love through emails, I-M's, cell phones (and then erase all the evidence later). And don't forget the best part...that INCREDIBLE sex: That's ONLY if you are into stolen moments, lying to someone so you can find alone time, arriving separately, leaving separately, cleaning yourself up so your mate (If you are M) won't suspect anything, etc. etc.
Wow. This kind of relationship certainly IS exciting. You get to wear different hats and masks. You get to be someone you never dreamed you would be. You get to play all kinds of roles. You get to be everything that a dirty little secret allows you to be. YOU get to watch yourself become "reduced" each and everytime he says, "I'm busy, I'm going on vacation with my family, I'm spending the weekend with my in-laws, etc." You get to watch yourself fade away piece by piece as he takes what he wants each time he leaves you.
You wake up one morning and you feel raw, vulnerable, exposed. You wonder what happened to your pride, to your dignity. You are scrambling to find some remnant of your integrity. You furiously search through your closets, your drawers and under your bed. Somewhere there must be a reason why you let this happen. Somewhere there must be an answer as to why you failed yourself. And then the light goes on. You start to remember where everything went...Ah, yes...you had willingly given it away freely to a man that doesn't even have a CLUE what to do with it. He didn't want that from you...all he ever wanted from you was that perfect woman who always smelled good, looked good, smiled all the time, never had problems, was great in the sack, and available when HE had time. So what DID he do with your pride, dignity and integrity? He destroyed it, not all at once, but over a period of time....
Suddenly you are so reduced, you can't even see yourSELF anymore.....
Id
Harsh, but true. Really a wake up call!!!!!
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