Helpful reminders for maintaining NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Helpful reminders for maintaining NC
13
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:52am
I recently ended a 3 year affair. He left his W for me in March and moved out for 3 months. He recently moved back because he didn't anticipate the enormous guilt that he would feel for leaving his kids and also because he felt that he his kids needed him now more than ever. Son (17), daughter (14).

He doesn't love his wife, I know this. How could a man who leaves his wife on their 20th anniversary (that day) for another woman, love her? Regardless of this fact and also regardless of how deeply in love we are, he has chosen to move back "for the kids".

Needless to say, my heart is broken. Nine months ago when I ended our affair and was mentally prepared to be on my own, he asked me to wait. He said that he will divorce her and wants to continue a life with me.

I don't hate him, I know this was a difficult decision for him. I am writing this partly for me but mostly for anyone in my situation who reads this in hopes that it may help.

I told him that if he moves back we cannot have contact. That I've never liked my choice of being in an affair and will not continue one. It reduces me and it reduces him. He has made his choice and I respect it. He didn't ask me to continue an affair with him he knew that I would not. I deserve more. All or nothing. I won't settle anymore. I told him not to contact me unless he divorces her. Period.

Yes, sometimes I feel weak and miss the hell out of him, miss our friendship, want to call him. I have no family here, I am raising 2 kids alone so I did lean on him. Besides this though, we were the best of friends and were happy when we were together. What helps me get by and what keeps me from contacting him is this.......

Every night, he sleeps with her.

She gets to smell him, touch him, hear him breathe at night, pull the sheets up around him, cuddle next to him.

Every morning, she can eat with him and discuss the news.

When he or she is in the mood they have eachother to turn to.

When she wants to go out to dinner she has him to take her.

When he watches TV or a movie, she can sit quietly with him and enjoy the same.

When he wakes up in the morning and scratches his belly looking adorable and sleepy, she can enjoy him.

When he takes out his contacts and puts on his silly glasses that I love so much, or when he smiles, or when he talks and makes that little laugh sometimes, she can see that and enjoy his cute quirks, not me.

If something breaks she has him to fix it for her. If her car breaks down she can have him help her.

If something happens to him (God forbid), she is the one who will be called. She is his Spouse.

He is HER husband. And he has chosen to go back.


The REALITY of this is what will keep me away.

Plain and Simple.

I hope this helps.

I am in such pain, but I am strong, I will be fine. So will you.

Take Care of Yourself!

~Love

Love

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 4:29pm
(((((I wonder if the answer is ending this affair and then maybe ending my marriage. That's kind of where I am right now.)))))

You will be feeling so many mixed emotions once you end the affair that your marraige will begin to look different in many lights. Sometimes affairs strengthen

a marriage. Sometimes they destroy them. Subconsciously you may have even had this affair with hopes of discovery because then you would have had to face up to what is lacking in your marriage. Possibly the affair was your fist step in emotionally walking away from your spouse. Are there children involved?

Let me tell you something. I married when I was 24, had 2 kids by the time I was 27 and my husband was a loser. Long story, but I packed up both babies and started a new life on my own. I HATED being married. Still do to this day :) Some people just aren't cut out for it. I had to learn the hard way. REgardless, FIRST you have to do some soul searching and decide what it is exactly you want and need for yourself. Having an affair is the worst action a person can take when they are already unhappy. It is only a bandaid that bleeds through constantly. You need to dump MM and take a good hard look at your husband and your marraige. Look even harder into your self and see how you fit in all of this. What really matters to you? What actions can you take that will NOT have the potential of destroying another human being? You need to hold yourself accountable for the misguided decisions you have already made. You can do this....Look long and deep....

Good luck my friend,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:43pm
Ugh Who'd want to talk to a philanderer??? Should be easy to ignore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 8:58am
Hi Id...

My response to your post:

Fabulous & Very-Well Put!!!

:)

Katy

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